Baron von Funny Memorial Memorial Day Baron von Funny
Pros and Cons of Life Under Quarantine
It's not all sweatpants and sadness. Okay, yeah, it pretty much is.
May 22, 2020
May 18, 2018
Real Reasons the Baron von Funny is Ending After Ten Years
One last chance to come up with a clever little blurb for the snarky joke list on our podunk website.
May 11, 2018
Other Things to Hate About Lettuce
And don't get us started on those damn Brussels sprouts.
May 4, 2018
Least Popular Fast Food Mascots
Still more well-liked than Skip Bayless though.
Apr 27, 2018
Surprises Found in Avengers: Infinity War
Marvel really pulled out all the stops for this one!
Apr 20, 2018
Other Secrets Sean Hannity is Ready to Confess
Quick, someone set up a mic'd confessional outside of the Fox News studios!
Apr 13, 2018
Rejected Doritos Flavors
That's okay, they'll just get repurposed as new Pepsi flavors!
Apr 6, 2018
Lesser-Known Traditions at The Masters
Does my tradition of getting wasted and watching the coverage with a giant bag of Cheetos count?
Mar 30, 2018
Possible Consequences of Easter Falling on April Fool's Day
Though it'll be nothing compared to the chaos that will occur when National High Five Day lands on Memorial Day.
Mar 23, 2018
Possible Side Effects of the New Male Birth Control Pill
It's nothing that a new anti-male-birth-control-side-effects pill won't fix! (Side effects of that pill include weakening of contraceptive effectiveness, hyper virility, and dry mouth.)
Mar 16, 2018
Lesser-Known Facts About Stephen Hawking
In some ways, you could say that guest-starring on The Simpsons was the least of his accomplishments!
Mar 9, 2018
Rejected Model Names for New Cars
Soon to be repurposed as new baby names!
Mar 2, 2018
Reasons the NFL and Papa John's Parted Ways
Nothing gold can stay.
Feb 23, 2018
Other Surprising Keys to Living Past 90
Think of it as the bucket list for achieving your bucket list!
Feb 9, 2018
Rejected New Events for the Winter Olympics
C'mon, we need to give the Russian athletes new ways to cheat.
Feb 2, 2018
Other Super Bowl-Related Things People Will Bet on This Weekend Besides the Score
You can bet on the score?
Jan 26, 2018
Rejected New Diet Coke Flavors
Who wouldn't love the chance to drink a new Coke?
Jan 12, 2018
Reasons Why This Flu Season Is Worse Than Ever
Or maybe everyone just has 2018 fever! Oh wait, nope, it's definitely the flu.
Jan 5, 2018
Other Names Considered for the East Coast Winter Storm Besides "Bomb Cyclone"
And coming this spring: rain grenades of death!
Dec 22, 2017
Things Santa Brings Bad Children Instead of Coal
Of course, now Santa will end up on the Trump Administration's naughty list for taking away coal jobs.
Dec 15, 2017
Reasons Mississippi Is the Least Healthy State in America
They prefer to be ranked #1 in unhealthiness, thank you very much.
Dec 1, 2017
Imagined Trump Headlines That Seem Totally Plausible
Tomorrow's news today!
Nov 17, 2017
Least Popular Thanksgiving Menu Items
Let's all give thanks that we don't have to eat them.
Nov 10, 2017
Greatest Things Prior to Sliced Bread
Thank god some guy had a knife and figured out a way to cut soft food!
Nov 3, 2017
Real Secrets Trump Hopes Mueller's Investigation Won't Reveal
Good thing Trump's the best at keeping information from being discovered.
Oct 27, 2017
Other Promotions Being Offered During the 2017 World Series
Baseball: Still America's Masterpass™time.
Oct 20, 2017
Surprises Found in the Declassified Kennedy Assassination Records
[Crosses fingers] Please be something that gets Trump impeached, please be something that gets Trump impeached...
Oct 13, 2017
Reasons Trump Wants to Stockpile 30,000 Nuclear Weapons
Maybe he meant "30,000 new, clear wipe-ons." Is that a thing?
Oct 6, 2017
Biggest Fears of Mr. Clean
It's not easy bein' clean.
Sep 29, 2017
Other Reasons Americans Are Contracting More STDs Than Ever Before
U.S.A! U.S.A.! (Untreatable Syphilitic Abscess!)
Sep 22, 2017
Ways Life May Change if the World Runs Out of Antibiotics
Bout time this generation learned to fight disease the old-fashioned way: by dying young.
Sep 15, 2017
Rejected Pilots for the 2017 Fall TV Season
Proving that there is such a thing as must-avoid TV.
Sep 8, 2017
Names Trump Mistakenly Thinks DACA Is an Acronym For
Thankfully, he's hired the best people to help him figure it out.
Sep 1, 2017
New Products from the Makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
The ability to monetize incredulity is what separates us from the animals.
Aug 25, 2017
Real Reasons Munch's Make Believe Band Broke Up
Don't worry, they'll get back together in 20 years to cash in on a nostalgia tour.
Aug 18, 2017
Other Philosophical Questions Posed By Tim Allen
Now we know why he's always been referred to as the "Socrates of the sitcom".
Aug 4, 2017
Noteworthy Accomplishments from Anthony Scaramucci's 10 Days in Office
It's a shame, he was only one day away from retirement.
Jul 28, 2017
Rejected Titles for Hillary Clinton's Upcoming Book
Get ready to pay $35 to relive a series of events that made you vomit in your mouth!
Jul 21, 2017
Other Baby Names Considered By George and Amal Clooney
If there's one thing more challenging than the crisis in Sudan, it's thinking up a good baby name.
Jul 14, 2017
Reasons Americans Aren't Walking as Much as They Should
But just try to beat us in amount of time spent on sedentary activities!
Jun 30, 2017
Signs That the Framed Trump Magazine Cover You're Looking at Is Fake
Maybe rather than being critical, his tweets of "FAKE NEWS!" are meant to express his enthusiasm for it?
Jun 23, 2017
Jun 16, 2017
Lesser-Known Father's Day Traditions
You should definitely go interrupt Dad in the bathroom to tell him all about it!
Jun 9, 2017
Rejected Titles for the Upcoming Top Gun Sequel
They're feeling the need... the need for greed.
Jun 2, 2017
Possible True Meanings of the Word "Covfefe"
Trump really does have all the best words!
May 26, 2017
Ways to Celebrate a Touchdown That Are Still Banned Under the NFL's Revised Celebration Rules
But apparently it's still anything goes when you're celebrating a safety.
May 19, 2017
Things Trump Could Do at This Point That Would Not Shock Anyone
He really is the Lindsay Lohan of presidents.
May 12, 2017
Real Reasons Trump Fired James Comey
Oh, come on, it's not like only one other president in U.S. history had ever fired the director of the FBI before!
May 5, 2017
Provisions in United’s Undisclosed Settlement with the Guy They Threw Off Their Plane
For starters, no more use of the term "legroom" to refer to a space that does not have enough "room" for any reasonable person's "leg".
Apr 28, 2017
Less Publicized Accomplishments From Trump's First 100 Days in Office
Look, 100 days is really only enough time to make America subpar again.
Apr 21, 2017
Things Julia Roberts Gets to Do Now That She's a Five-Time Winner of People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman in the World
It's no Conspiracy Theory; when that Pretty Woman flashes her Mona Lisa Smile, Everyone Says I Love You!
Apr 14, 2017
Lesser-Known Taxes and Tax Loopholes
So, it turns out besting an IRS agent in a game of chess is not a way to get out of paying your taxes.
Apr 7, 2017
Lesser-Known Smurf Characters
They'll blue you away! [THIS WEBSITE HAS BEEN CANCELLED]
Mar 31, 2017
Least Popular Fist Names
And you thought people were bad at naming their kids.
Mar 24, 2017
Fake Hints from Heloise
For God's sake, stay away from the fake horoscopes. You do not want to go around thinking "someone close to you will make a financial decision" when they really won't!
Mar 17, 2017
Lesser-Known Provisions of the American Health Care Act
Putting the "care" in "We don't care"!
Mar 10, 2017
Other Reasons Americans Are Having Less Sex Than They Used To
We prefer to think of it as having more non-sex than we used to. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Mar 3, 2017
College Courses or Sizzler Menu Items
It's an all-you-can-learn buffet!
Feb 24, 2017
Campaign Slogans For and Against the 2016 Oscar Nominees
But really, we all know it's just a warm-up for the BAFTAs.
Feb 17, 2017
Other Secrets General Flynn Shared with the Russians
Loose lips sink presidential administrations. (Fingers crossed!)
Feb 10, 2017
Valentine's Day Plans for Couples Who Feel 50 Shades Darker Isn't Dark Enough
"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."
Feb 3, 2017
Other Predictions Made by Punxsutawney Phil
Seeing the future beyond a shadow of a doubt!
Jan 27, 2017
Other Titles Considered for The Last Jedi
Those of us holding out for Star Wars: The Naked Lesbian Romp will have to wait a couple more years.
Jan 20, 2017
Additional Slogans for the Trump Administration
Is America great again yet?
Jan 13, 2017
Rejected Names for the Newly-Discovered Species of Gibbon
"That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp!"
Dec 23, 2016
Gifts for the Other Days of Christmas
Maybe this person isn't your true love after all...
Dec 16, 2016
Other Things Drones Will Soon Be Able to Do
[Eyes closed, fingers crossed] Please be "Edit a list of jokes so that I can get back to my bowl of Cheetos"!
Dec 9, 2016
Reasons Old People Are Happier
Don't trust anyone under 50.
Dec 2, 2016
Reasons Americans Are Not Getting Enough Sleep
Ehh, we'll just binge it over the weekend.
Nov 18, 2016
Other Toys on the W.A.T.C.H. Worst Toys List
Santa Claus is coming to town... to testify as part of a class-action lawsuit.
Nov 11, 2016
Surprising Moments from the 2016 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened
Better to remember what didn't happen while we try to forget what did.
Nov 4, 2016
Other Things That Have Only Happened Once in the Last 108 Years
Fingers crossed we'll make it seven more years without another archduke getting assassinated!
Oct 28, 2016
Signs That You're in a Poorly-Run Halloween Haunted House
This is what happens when we ship all of our haunting jobs overseas.
Oct 21, 2016
Official Months That Never Got Off the Ground
When you get right down to it, some ideas really feel more “weeky” than “monthy”.
Oct 14, 2016
Other Things Guys Talk About in the Locker Room
Ehh, most of it's about The Hurt Locker, or how much they enjoy shopping at Foot Locker.
Oct 7, 2016
Things Overheard During the Brawl at Chuck E. Cheese's
Is it really all that different from what you'd normally hear at a kid's birthday party?
Sep 30, 2016
Changes Planned for Disney's Lion King Remake
Guess not every idea gets rejected...
Sep 23, 2016
Other Candies More Dangerous Than a Bowl of Skittles
But less dangerous than a snifter of Bugles.
Sep 16, 2016
Rejected Pilots for the 2016 Fall TV Season
Hey, you don't cast Kevin James or adapt a popular movie franchise, you pay the price.
Sep 9, 2016
Surprises Found in the New Sully Biopic
Can't wait to see who's doing the voice of the plane!
Sep 2, 2016
Corrections the New York Times Would Like to Make
All the News That's Fit to Misprint.
Aug 26, 2016
Real Reasons for the EpiPen Price Hike
Better apply for a loan now for your next asthma inhaler purchase!
Aug 19, 2016
Other Ways That the Trump Campaign Is Shaking Things Up
Making America Even Greater Again Again!
Aug 12, 2016
Other Olympians People Are Amazed They've Never Heard of Before
This is the slippery slope many warned of when we allowed Mark Spitz to win all those gold medals in 1972.
Aug 5, 2016
Other Benefits of Dental Floss That Remain Unproven
4 out of 5 dentists do not recommend this list.
Jul 29, 2016
Other Ways the DNC Is Different from the RNC
Full disclosure: many of these jokes were written by Michelle Obama in 2008.
Jul 22, 2016
Other Problems Caused By Playing Too Much Pokémon Go
What could possibly be making all these people want to escape reality?
Jul 15, 2016
Things Santa Does in the Summer
Luckily, all the passive-aggressive e-mail hashing out the schedule for the timeshare he splits with the Easter Bunny is overwith by Memorial Day.
Jul 8, 2016
Other Problems Found in Leading Brands of Sunscreen
Time for a return to full body swimwear!
Jul 1, 2016
Signs That Your Fourth of July Party Isn't Patriotic Enough
Shouldn't have prematurely shot your wad on that Flag Day dry run; now you've got a mess on your hands.
Jun 24, 2016
Rejected Disney Sequels
You'd be surprised, but the people who pay Tim Burton to spray neon paintballs all over his wife and Johnny Depp actually say "no" sometimes.
Jun 17, 2016
Things That Will Get You Banned by Donald Trump
Also serves as a handy to-do list!
Jun 3, 2016
Unintended Consequences of the FDA's Plan to Reduce Sodium in the American Diet
Won't somebody think of the snack chips!
May 27, 2016
Other Changes the TSA Is Making to Reduce Wait Times
Finally, more time to spend in the boarding line!
May 20, 2016
Reasons Americans Aren't Using Their Local Park
This is why we can't have nice things.
May 13, 2016
Studies Rejected by Scientific Journals
But happily accepted by the Huffington Post!
May 6, 2016
Other Things Your Dog Doesn't Want From You
Man's best friend? More like dog's annoying co-worker.
Apr 22, 2016
Rejected BuzzFeed Content
Who knew a garbage can could throw stuff away?
Apr 15, 2016
Reasons Your Tax Return Is Likely to Be Audited
You really should have known better than to wear that What Would Wesley Snipes Do bracelet.
Apr 8, 2016
Possible Titles for the Fifth Indiana Jones Movie
Is Jaws: The Revenge already taken?
Mar 18, 2016
Signs That You've Got a March Madness Gambling Problem
Ehh, it's not like you've been using your legs all that much anyway.
Mar 11, 2016
Least Popular Canned Soups
Cans are old news anyway. Everyone's eating soup out of giant Swiss horns these days.
Mar 4, 2016
Ways the Republican Party Plans to Stop Donald Trump
Reality is starting to sink in for the Party of Lincoln.
Feb 26, 2016
Other Items Found in This Year's Oscars Gift Bag
At least all those famous, successful, and wealthy nominees will have something to feel good about if they lose.
Feb 19, 2016
Least Popular Items to Create Using a 3D Printer
Just in time for Easter basket gift season!
Feb 12, 2016
Little-Known Facts About Bernie Sanders
Looks like the skeletons are out of the closet– oh wait, that's just Bernie.
Jan 29, 2016
Unusual Pregnancy Cravings
Eat for two, indeed.
Jan 22, 2016
Other Things Sarah Palin Endorses
She still draws the line at putting lipstick on a pig though. Gotta have standards.
Jan 15, 2016
Pros and Cons of Winning $1.5 Billion
Show me the conflicted emotions!
Jan 8, 2016
Least Used New Year's Resolutions
You might be thinking a little too outside the box.
Dec 18, 2015
Surprises Found in Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Did not expect the NC-17 rating. Some things you can't un-see. [Shudder]
Dec 11, 2015
Things Americans Can Do to Raise Their Average Life Expectancy
The answer's probably less salt... unless it's more salt.
Dec 4, 2015
Rejected Meat Loaf Songs and/or Accepted Guy Fieri Restaurant Menu Items
There's a difference?
Nov 20, 2015
Pros and Cons of the New Domino's Pizza Oven Car
What an age to be alive...
Nov 13, 2015
Things Overheard During a Time-Travel-Aided Confrontation Between Jeb Bush and Baby Hitler
It's the Look Who's Talking–Inglorious Basterds crossover no one's been waiting for!
Oct 30, 2015
Least Popular Halloween Costumes for 2015
Still more popular than Lincoln Chafee though.
Oct 23, 2015
Other Demands Made By Paul Ryan
Yeah, not like that stupid John Boehner, always asking politely.
Oct 9, 2015
Least Popular Names for Twins
It's tough living up to Boof Bonser & Rusty Kuntz.
Oct 2, 2015
Additional Volkswagen Claims That Have Been Proven False
Oh, like you've never made hundreds of millions of dollars by lying to millions of people.
Sep 25, 2015
Other Things That Hackers Will Soon Be Able to Steal From You
[Types "How do you install a firewall in your genitals?" into Google.]
Sep 18, 2015
Other Actions That Will Get You Arrested in Irving, Texas
Time to bone up on local civic ordinances! (Though be careful, because boning up will get you arrested.)
Sep 11, 2015
Other Ways the New England Patriots Have Cheated Over the Years
We greatly prefer the unsullied integrity of the Vikings' four Super Bowl losses.
Sep 4, 2015
Rejected Pilots for the 2015 Fall TV Season
Each made the classic TV mistake of not having John Stamos star as a surprised new grandpa. (Watch Grandfathered this fall on Fox!)
Aug 28, 2015
Least Popular Restaurant Chains
Putting the F in food, thanks to the letter grade they got from the health inspector.
Aug 21, 2015
Side Effects of the New "Female Viagra" Drug
Finally, a sex drug that benefits men!
Aug 14, 2015
Items Left on Your Summer To-Do List
Write clever blurb for your list of jokes about fake summer to-do lists.
Aug 7, 2015
Reasons hitchBOT Was Killed
This is why we can't have nice things!
Jul 31, 2015
Reasons You Were Unfriended/Unfollowed on Social Media
Ehh, it's not perfect, but what are ya gonna do? Go back to dealing with people face to face?
Jul 24, 2015
New Discoveries Found on Pluto
Just wait until you see what they found in Uranus!
Jul 17, 2015
Surprises Found in Donald Trump's Personal Financial Disclosure Form
You can't spell "Donald Trump's Money" without "Moody nuns trampled"!
Jul 10, 2015
Other Terrible Things Tom Selleck Has Been Doing While You Weren't Paying Attention
And you do NOT want to know what John Hillerman has been up to. Yeesh.
Jul 3, 2015
Other Questions Hippies Are Being Besieged with in the Wake of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's Dissent
In the event you cannot find a hippie, please consult your nearest trainyard hobo.
Jun 19, 2015
Twitter Hashtags That Failed to Become Trending Topics
BetterLuckNextTime
Jun 5, 2015
Ways to Mispronounce the Name of Resigning FIFA President Sepp Blatter
Sepp Blatter, João Havelange, Rodolphe Seeldrayers, Daniel Burley Woolfall... why do the names of former FIFA presidents sound like they were created by a drunken random word generator?
May 29, 2015
Little-Known Facts About the 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates
And knowing is half the battle! (The other half being trying not to shoot yourself in the face as you sit through 17 months of political campaigning.)
May 15, 2015
Rejected Candidates to Replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 Bill
We wouldn't have this problem if we'd just switch to Disney Dollars.
May 8, 2015
Stripper Names or Kentucky Derby Horses
Why can't someone be both, like the late Earl Warren?
May 1, 2015
Surprises Found in the New Avengers Sequel
Who knew that "Directed by Woody Allen" was only the beginning?
Apr 17, 2015
Pros and Cons of Becoming the First First Gentleman in White House History
Why has it taken so long to get a man in the White House?
Apr 10, 2015
Little-Known Facts About Scientology Revealed in the New Documentary Going Clear
[BLURB REDACTED AFTER ADVISEMENT FROM AN ANONYMOUS INSTITUTION WHOSE HELPFUL SUGGESTION SHOULD IN NO WAY BE VIEWED AS CENSORSHIP]
Apr 3, 2015
Other Things That Are Causing Teen Driver Accidents
Teens: Always there when adults need to assign blame for society's ills.
Mar 20, 2015
Ways That Life Will Be Different If California Runs Out of Water
And you won't believe what happens when Idaho runs out of potatoes!
Mar 13, 2015
Possible Side Effects of the "Love Hormone" Nasal Spray
C'mon, no one has ever regretted putting things up their nose.
Mar 6, 2015
Pros and Cons of Daylight Saving Time
How come no one ever talks about Darkness Wasting Time?
Feb 27, 2015
Other Items on Hall & Oates's List of the Best Things in Life, Besides Your Kiss
Not on the list: that bastard Eddie Rabbit. He knows what he did.
Feb 20, 2015
Additional Newly Discovered Dr. Seuss Books
Why let being dead keep you being widely read?
Feb 13, 2015
Other Questionable Claims Made By Brian Williams Over the Years
Proud as a peacock, indeed.
Feb 6, 2015
Other Reasons Parents Choose Not to Vaccinate Their Kid
Ehh, they can always make another one.
Jan 30, 2015
Least Popular Super Bowl Party Foods
Guaranteed to make you punt out of bounds!
Dec 19, 2014
Lesser-Known Holiday Traditions
You know, like Yuletide barrels being flung into a fire, and folks dressed up like pesky Mos Def, etc., etc.
Dec 12, 2014
Other Things Mark Wahlberg Would Like Expunged from His Record
It's a "Perfect Storm" for a "Fighter" who wishes that his problems could be "Departed". (We'd like this blurb to also be expunged from the record.)
Dec 5, 2014
Names That Are More Unfortunate Than Dick Butkus
We're looking at you, Dick Armey!
Nov 21, 2014
Qualities Charles Manson Looks for in a Wife
Why can't he just use OkCupid like most sociopaths?
Nov 14, 2014
Best-Selling Real Estate Novels
It's no wonder Paul never had time for a wife!
Oct 31, 2014
Least Popular Halloween Tricks
Where the lesson is: ALWAYS choose treat.
Oct 24, 2014
Least-Used Hyphenated Words
They're grammar-tastic!
Oct 10, 2014
Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About the Ebola Virus
But what if you're not getting paranoid enough??
Oct 3, 2014
Other Things the Secret Service Would Like to Clear Up Regarding the White House Intruder
We are shocked that an organization with the word "secret" in its title would be less than forthcoming with information!
Sep 26, 2014
Other Things People Hate Getting for Free
You've got a lot of nerve being so generous, mister.
Sep 19, 2014
Rejected Pilots for the 2014 Fall TV Season
What can you do? The bar got set awfully high by Selfie.
Sep 12, 2014
Lesser-Known Features of the New Apple Watch
Think of all the time you'll save not having to reach all the way into your pocket or purse to grab your phone!
Sep 5, 2014
Least Popular Soups
Crimes against soupmanity! (Not to be confused with the "soup manatee", the horrifying soup-manatee hybrid that killed all those beach goers in Tampa.)
Aug 29, 2014
Things Jay Leno Has Been Doing Lately
You're never bored when you've got the Dancing Itos on speed dial!
Aug 22, 2014
Least Popular Fundraising Stunts
What we need is a fundraising stunt to raise awareness for failed fundraising stunts.
Aug 15, 2014
Unexpected Items on the School Supply List
And wait 'til you see what's on the lunch menu.
Aug 8, 2014
Rejected Titles for George W. Bush's Book About George H.W. Bush
Any book in your hand is worth two from George W. Bush.
Aug 1, 2014
How Do I Get Out of This Chickenshit Outfit?
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
Jul 25, 2014
Songs About Food
Are you ready to wok?!
Jul 18, 2014
Rejected Movie Sequels
What can you do when the bar was set so high by Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid?
Jul 11, 2014
Other Ways Life Is Different for the Harry Potter Characters in Their 30s
Get ready for Harry Potter and the Mysterious Lingering Back Pain!
Jul 4, 2014
Other Ways Corporations Are Like People
Hey, and look! That duck is just like an urban municipality!
Jun 27, 2014
Great Things About Being "Left Behind"
It's still better than jury duty, that's for sure.
Jun 13, 2014
Additional Ways to Leave Your Lover
Whatever happened to the time-honored tradition of writing "See ya!" on an old shoe and leaving it in the mouth of their horse?
Jun 6, 2014
Worst Excuses Ever Given for Missing Work
Of course, if you don't skip out on your job, then you have to come up with an excuse for why you didn't make an excuse.
May 30, 2014
Pros and Cons of Google's Self-Driving Car
Sure, but where's our robot to command the self-driving car for us?
May 23, 2014
Ways Target Plans to Win Back Customers
Mo' data breach, mo' problems.
May 16, 2014
Items on Barbara Walters's Retirement Bucket List
But first she'll take a long, leisurely, on-camera stroll with the bucket around its estate, so you can see that they're totally getting to know one another in a casual, friendly setting.
May 9, 2014
Least Inspiring Sports Quotes
Vince Lombardi must be rolling in his gra– oh wait, nope, that's just the sound of the dryer.
May 2, 2014
Rejected Titles for Moby-Dick
Wait, that's the one they kept??
Apr 25, 2014
Words That Almost Rhyme with Bieber
So close, and yet so far.
Apr 18, 2014
Reasons We're Not Drowning as Often as We Used To
Oh god, what if this means we're not drowning as often as we should?!
Apr 11, 2014
Signs That Your Internet Video Probably Isn't Going to Go Viral
Maybe you'll have better luck with your Arli$$ fan fiction.
Apr 4, 2014
Vladimir Putin Turn-Ons
In Soviet Russia, Vladimir Putin turns on YOU! (Seriously though, he will betray and imprison you.)
Mar 28, 2014
Things That Are Causing Our Lower Back Pain
It's probably due to all the offensive back pain "satire" out there these days.
Mar 14, 2014
Other Behavior That Is Considered "Unpresidential"
Better get it all out of your system when you're a Congressman or Governor.
Mar 7, 2014
Little-Known Facts About "Adele Dazeem"
What's in a name? Or, as John Travolta might say, "Warts own an camel?"
Feb 21, 2014
Additional Risks of Sitting Too Much
Some of us prefer to see it as standing too little.
Feb 14, 2014
Other Problems with the Hotels in Sochi
If only Sarah Palin had looked out her window and warned us.
Feb 7, 2014
Ineligible Breeds at the Westminster Dog Show
You can't spell "Westminster Dog Show" without "Tits Showdown Merges"!
Jan 31, 2014
Unusual Promises Made by President Obama During the State of the Union Address
Come on, he's not going to waste his A material on a free TV special.
Jan 24, 2014
Signs That Winter Is Breaking People's Spirit
This does not bode well for the Independent Spirit Awards in March.
Jan 10, 2014
Memorable Moments from 2013 That May Not Have Actually Happened
Sorry, we were busy looking at our phones.
Dec 26, 2013
Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2012
From bad Halloween costumes to the 2012 election to the new Star Wars movies (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Dec 20, 2013
Least Popular Christmas Characters
Still better than Freddie, the Flag Day Ferret.
Dec 13, 2013
Things You Could Do with $400M
May we recommend buying a costly ad on a little-seen website?
Dec 6, 2013
Other Side Effects of Vitamin D Deficiency
Thank goodness there's plenty of Vitamin D in Sprite! (This week's BvF brought to you by Sprite.)
Nov 22, 2013
Things Americans Are Thankful For
We're the most thankful nation in the world! Take THAT, Sweden!
Nov 15, 2013
Other Mistakes from Over the Years That 60 Minutes Would Like to Retract
They're sorry, but no, there's nothing they can do about Steve Kroft.
Nov 8, 2013
Signs That Your City's Mayor Might Be Smoking Crack
And you were worried about Anthony Weiner's penis.
Nov 6, 2013
Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2012
From Bigfoot to rejected TV pilots to Invisible Obama (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Nov 1, 2013
Surprising Items Found in Kids' Treat Bags This Halloween
Look, some of us forgot to buy candy, and those underpants had only been worn once!
Oct 18, 2013
Signs That You're Addicted to Oreos
Things fall apart; the creamy center cannot hold.
Oct 11, 2013
Other Amazing Things Peyton Manning Can Do
Soon to be documented in the TV movie The Pass That Fixed Obamacare!
Oct 4, 2013
Additional Demands of the GOP "Suicide Caucus"
We object to the term "Suicide Caucus", when you could have said "Put Myself to Sleep Caucus".
Sep 27, 2013
Lesser-Known Provisions of the Affordable Care Act
Confusing enough to ensure that the uninsured don't feel so sure about their insurance.
Sep 20, 2013
Other Things Starbucks Would Like Its Customers to Stop Doing
It's like they won't even just sit quietly and sip their coffee and maybe eat a couple pastries while listening to this new Paul McCartney album that's on sale for $9.99. Sheesh.
Sep 13, 2013
Rejected Pilots for the 2013 Fall TV Season
Instead, watch James Caan get back in the game in Back in the Game! ABC you on the couch, America!
Sep 6, 2013
Pros and Cons of Swimming for 53 Hours
Just in case you were thinking about trying it yourself.
Aug 30, 2013
Things You Should Do After Labor Day
But why won't anyone give us any do's and don'ts for Grandparents Day?
Aug 23, 2013
Ways to Mispronounce the Name Benedict Cumberbatch
And don't even ask about Shia LaBeouf.
Aug 16, 2013
Least Popular Snack Chips
Which means they're still eaten more often than carrots.
Aug 14, 2013
Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2012
From unpopular superheroes to Mitt Romney's tax returns to the Octomom porn film (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Aug 9, 2013
Other Things That Are Causing Tension Between Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin
Let's just hope no one serves them a single Eggo waffle.
Jul 26, 2013
Pseudonyms Anthony Weiner Considered Before Choosing "Carlos Danger"
Because you want to make sure the fake name you use for anonymous internet sex reflects the ideas and values of your political campaign.
Jul 12, 2013
Warning Signs People Missed That Aaron Hernandez Might Be a Murderer
It was probably because they were all quiet loners who kept to themselves.
Jul 5, 2013
Less-Heralded Things About Being an American That Are Worth Celebrating This Week
Paging Francis Scott Key and Irving Berlin!
Jun 28, 2013
Additional Movies in the Works That Will Feature a U.S. President
And look for Richard Dreyfuss to reprise his role as Dick Cheney with Bill Pullman as Dan Quayle in Hunting Quayle!
Jun 21, 2013
Other Things Rep. Michael Burgess Has Seen a Fetus Do
"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me." "The baby looked at you?"
Jun 14, 2013
Surprising Things the NSA Has Learned from Spying on Americans
It's enough to put you off eavesdropping forever.
Jun 7, 2013
Viewer Complaints About After Earth
Guess this puts the kibosh on After After Earth: The Re-Earthening, huh?
Jun 5, 2013
Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2012
From lesser-known diseases to the Secret Service scandal to the Cannes film festival (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
May 31, 2013
Additional "Facts" Michele Bachmann Would Like You to Know Before She Leaves Office
The extra N in Bachmann is for "nowledge"!
May 24, 2013
Least Popular Tourist Attractions
Suddenly, spending a week at Aunt Gladys's in Schenectady doesn't sound so bad.
May 17, 2013
Headlines That Less Mature New York City Newspaper Editors Could Run During an Anthony Weiner Mayoral Campaign
Weiner is the gift that keeps on giving.
May 10, 2013
Least Popular Mother's Day Gifts
And you thought the labor pains were uncomfortable.
May 3, 2013
Less Groundbreaking Revelations About Other NBA Players
Maybe we'll just keep the focus on the court for a while, fellas.
Apr 26, 2013
Alternate Uses for the U.S. Penny
A penny saved is a penny adding approximately 0.080 troy ounces of mass to your home.
Apr 19, 2013
Reasons Some Americans Have Not Filed Their Taxes Yet
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and procrastination.
Apr 17, 2013
Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2012
From Jeremy Lin to high gas prices to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Apr 12, 2013
Surprising Proposals in President Obama's New Budget Plan
Gotta spend money to make money... unless you decide to just literally make more money.
Apr 5, 2013
Other Alarming Things Kim Jong-un Has Done Lately
Like insane father, like insane son.
Mar 29, 2013
Complaints of Jon Hamm's Penis
Next up: the philosophical entreaties of January Jones's breasts.
Mar 22, 2013
Rejected Celebrity Reality Shows
Not to be confused with Rejected!, the celebrity reality show where celebrities pitch ill-fated reality show ideas.
Mar 15, 2013
Job Requirements of the New Pope
A job so back-breakingly tough that the last guy quit!
Mar 8, 2013
Other Things That You Should Probably Worry About
Including worrying about whether you are worrying enough the things you should be worried about.
Mar 1, 2013
Additional Ways Sequestration Will Cut Federal Spending
You can't spell "federal sequestration" without "fear eloquent disaster"!
Feb 22, 2013
Other Unusual Deals Being Offered By U.S. Retailers
Buy this blurb and get half off a second blurb of equal or lesser value!
Feb 15, 2013
Real Reasons the Pope is Retiring
Do they make an RV version of the Popemobile?
Feb 8, 2013
Rejected New Tokens for Monopoly
It takes a lot of work to come up with something better than a thimble.
Feb 6, 2013
Best of Baron von Funny: December 2011-January 2012
From Black Friday to holiday wish lists to Rick Santorum (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Feb 1, 2013
Additional Perks of Being Named Super Bowl MVP
To the victor go the spoils a brand-new 2014 Chevrolet Corvette convertible!
Jan 25, 2013
Terrible Things That Are Already Happening as a Result of Beyoncé Lip-Synching the National Anthem
You ruined everything, ruiner!
Jan 18, 2013
Pros and Cons of Having an Imaginary Girlfriend
Call her Maybe?
Jan 11, 2013
Real Reasons the BBWAA Didn't Vote Anyone Into the Baseball Hall of Fame This Year
Clearly they're saving their votes for the year that Arli$$ becomes eligible for induction.
Jan 4, 2013
Memorable Moments from 2012 That May Not Have Actually Happened
It's possible we were drinking at the time.
Dec 21, 2012
Lesser-Known Reindeer Who Used to Work for Santa
But where's their beloved holiday jingles and stop-motion Christmas specials?
Dec 19, 2012
Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2011
From Herman Cain to Broadway shows to inappropriate Halloween costumes (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Dec 14, 2012
Least Popular Searches on Google
Boldly going where no man has gone before.
Dec 7, 2012
Rejected Names for the New Royal Baby
Ehh, it's not like anyone's going to be paying attention.
Nov 30, 2012
Other Names Considered Before Settling on the Term "Fiscal Cliff"
It's important that we all agree on the term we're going to mutter under our breath later when we're forced to eat pigeons while living in our shantytown.
Nov 16, 2012
Additional New York Jets Complaints About Tim Tebow
Tebow? More like Te-blows! (The Jets would also like to file a complaint about this blurb.)
Nov 9, 2012
Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened
We can really only remember about 47% of it.
Nov 2, 2012
Changes That Will Be Made to the Star Wars Franchise Under Disney
A corporation known for never pinching pennies and a fan base that always handles alterations well. What could possibly go wrong?
Oct 26, 2012
Least Popular Sexy Halloween Costumes
Guaranteed to put the fright in your All Hallows' Eve night.
Oct 19, 2012
Other Things Undecided Voters Can't Decide
To be, or not to be... can they get back to you on that?
Oct 12, 2012
Least Popular Board Games
This is what happens when you buy from Bilton Mradley.
Oct 10, 2012
Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2011
From the U.S. credit downgrade to the NBA lockout to the HPV vaccine (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Oct 5, 2012
Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate
Now with 20% more quiet snickering about the use of the word "rebuttal"!
Sep 28, 2012
Perks Conceded to the NFL Referees in Order to Get Them Back to Work
Looks like someone's union is contractually ready for some footbaaalll!
Sep 21, 2012
Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife
Even he who is without sin can sometimes be a pain in the ass.
Sep 14, 2012
Rejected Pilots for the 2012 Fall TV Season
Well, they can't all be The Mob Doctor, can they?
Sep 7, 2012
Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama
But will he meet his match in Ultra-Visible Romney?
Aug 31, 2012
Pros and Cons of Dressing Up as Bigfoot
It's not a hobby, it's a lifestyle.
Aug 24, 2012
Other "Facts" Rep. Todd Akin Would Like to Share With You
He's learnding!
Aug 17, 2012
Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan
Because we demand to know everything there is to know about a guy we never heard of a week ago!
Aug 10, 2012
Ways That McDonald's Plans to Rejuvenate Their Business
Get ready to indiscriminately shove more things into your food hole!
Aug 6, 2012
Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2011
From the GOP candidates to unpopular cereals to the debt ceiling (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Aug 3, 2012
Rejected Summer Olympics Events
Guess the bar was set too high by Equestrian Eventing.
Jul 27, 2012
Secrets Hidden in Mitt Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns
Let he who is without millions in income being exempted through the use of dozens of loopholes cast the first stone.
Jul 20, 2012
Least Popular Superheroes
Of course, this kind of hurtful rejection is just the sort of thing that turns superheroes into supervillains.
Jul 13, 2012
Lesser-Known Rhyming Aphorisms
If the aphorism doesn't rhyme, then it isn't worth a lousy nickel.
Jul 6, 2012
Neighborhood Complaints About Your Behavior on Independence Day
Did you learn nothing from Flag Day?
Jun 29, 2012
Signs That Your City Is Going Bankrupt
You never should have built it on rock n' roll.
Jun 22, 2012
Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film
Guaranteed to start a new wave of octoeroticism!
Jun 15, 2012
Least Popular Father's Day Gifts
It's enough to drive a man to a vasectomy.
Jun 8, 2012
Signs That Americans' Heads Are Growing Too Large
Damn that Mr. Burns and his Brain & Nerve Tonic!
Jun 1, 2012
Other Things People Might Do While High on "Bath Salts"
We can only assume it's a gateway drug to "bath peppers".
May 30, 2012
Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2011
From the Rapture to bad prom themes to the Royal Wedding (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
May 25, 2012
New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News
You stay classy, America's Most Watched Network!
May 18, 2012
Least Popular Films at the Cannes Film Festival
We're pretty sure they're not saying "Boo-urns".
May 11, 2012
Things That Modern Science Cannot Explain
So phrenology's looking pretty good right about now, huh?
May 4, 2012
Other "Oops Moments" Rick Perry Says God Will Forgive
But if you hang toilet paper in the improper underhand fashion, you're on your own.
Apr 27, 2012
Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now
And they're keeping an eye on that Albert Pujols situation in Anaheim.
Apr 20, 2012
New Mottos for the U.S. Secret Service
Ask not what your country can do for you; ask who you can do for your country.
Apr 13, 2012
Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time
Nothing is certain except death and taxes... and stupid questions.
Apr 6, 2012
Lesser-Known Diseases That Are on the Rise
It's an epidemiological epidemic!
Mar 30, 2012
Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices
And don't even get them started on the rising cost of outrage!
Mar 28, 2012
Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2011
From Charlie Sheen to St. Patrick's Day drinking to the 2010 U.S. Census (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Mar 23, 2012
Other Changes Michael Bay Has Planned for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise
But surely the man who made Pearl Harbor will be faithful to the source material!
Mar 16, 2012
Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad
Though some of them are probably just getting in line now for the iPhone 5.
Mar 9, 2012
Other Reasons Peyton Manning and the Colts Are Parting Ways
Nothing old can stay.
Mar 2, 2012
Rejected McDonald's Menu Items
Because the company that brought you the Hulaburger and the Arch Deluxe will not tolerate any bad ideas.
Feb 24, 2012
Campaign Slogans For and Against This Year's Oscar Nominees
At least it's more civilized than the barbed wire steel cage match they use to decide the winners at the Latin Grammys.
Feb 17, 2012
Little-Known Facts About Jeremy Lin
It's a truly Jeremcredible story.
Feb 10, 2012
Least Popular Valentine's Day Gifts
What could go wrong with a homemade "I Love V.D." T-shirt?
Feb 3, 2012
Reasons That the Super Bowl Party You're Attending Isn't Very Enjoyable
Guess you should've gone to that National Weatherperson's Day party instead.
Feb 1, 2012
Best of Baron von Funny: December 2010-January 2011
From Derek Jeter's contract to Santa's naughty list to New Year's resolutions (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Jan 27, 2012
Surprising Moments From President Obama's State of the Union Address
You can't spell "State of the Union" without "uneaten fish toot."
Jan 20, 2012
Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There
Watch out, John Wilkes Booth – you're about to get Italian Jobbed!
Jan 13, 2012
Other Baby Names Considered By Beyoncé and Jay-Z
Namin' ain't easy.
Jan 6, 2012
Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head
Looks like someone's drunk on power... and significant amounts of homemade corn liquor.
Dec 30, 2011
Memorable Moments from 2011 That May Not Have Actually Happened
Remembering the year that wasn't.
Dec 23, 2011
Items on Your Holiday Wish List That You Won't Be Receiving
Ask and ye shall receive a Starbucks gift card instead.
Dec 16, 2011
Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow
Kinda makes you wonder who the Vikings are praying to.
Dec 14, 2011
Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2010
From celebrity products to George W. Bush's memoir to the trapped Chilean miners (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Dec 9, 2011
Other Celebrities Who Have Been Kicked Off of Planes
Still, you're nobody until you've been thrown out of a Shoney's.
Dec 2, 2011
Signs That You're Too Obsessed With Black Friday
A penny saved is a penny you can jab into someone's eye to keep them from grabbing that toaster.
Nov 25, 2011
Less Interesting Versions of Famous Book Titles
Yeah, you can go ahead and judge these books by their covers.
Nov 18, 2011
Other Things Mike Krzyzewski Can Do Better Than Bob Knight
But Knight will always have that TV movie where he was played by Brian Dennehy.
Nov 11, 2011
Least Popular New Broadway Shows
I smell some Tonys! (Oh wait, it's just Danza and Shalhoub.)
Nov 4, 2011
Herman Cain Pickup Lines or Things People Might Say in a Restaurant
Once you go black, you'll need to sign a binding non-disclosure agreement.
Oct 28, 2011
Inappropriate Halloween Costumes
It used to be about the candy, man.
Oct 21, 2011
Upcoming Movie Remakes Featuring Talking Animals
And by "talking animal", we don't mean Vin Diesel.
Oct 14, 2011
Other Ideas Netflix is Scrapping
New Coke must be rolling in its grave.
Oct 7, 2011
Things Republicans Are Willing to Do If It Will Help Them Avoid Having Mitt Romney as Their 2012 Nominee
Looks like somebody poo-pooed the idea of Thaddeus McCotter a little too hastily.
Oct 5, 2011
Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2010
From Glenn Beck University to the fall TV season to the Ground Zero mosque debate (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Sep 30, 2011
Other Amazing Things That Happened on the Last Night of the MLB Regular Season
But no, you just had to watch Harry's Law, didn't you?
Sep 23, 2011
Other Side Effects Michele Bachmann Claims Are Caused by the HPV Vaccine
And don't get her started on that ridiculous polio booster.
Sep 16, 2011
Rejected Pilots for the 2011 Fall TV Season
Of course, an approved pilot is simply one that gets rejected a month later.
Sep 9, 2011
Least Popular Super Powers
What, like the British Empire and the Soviet Union? (Historical zing!)
Sep 2, 2011
Other Things You Shouldn't Do After Labor Day
This can also serve as a handy to-do list of things to squeeze into your last weekend of summer.
Aug 26, 2011
Things NBA Players Can Do to Pass the Time During the Lockout
If there's a worse time in life to have nothing to do than when you're young, athletic, and rich, medical science has yet to discover it.
Aug 19, 2011
Special Features of Ground Force One
Go Ground Force and leave the driving to POTUS!
Aug 12, 2011
New Mottos for the U.S. in Light of the Credit Downgrade
A downgrade is just an upgrade turned upside down!
Aug 5, 2011
Ways Life Might Be Better Under the Rule of Apes
Perhaps we'll learn to love every ape we see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z.
Jul 29, 2011
Changes Being Made to Pro Football in the Wake of the New NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement
Are you ready for some post-union-decertification-and-possible-violations-of-antitrust-law football?!
Jul 27, 2011
Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2010
From Mel Gibson to the Russian Spies to the vuvuzela (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Jul 22, 2011
Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis
"Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?" "Mmm, yes I would, Kent."
Jul 15, 2011
Rejected Crayola Colors
But at least they have Pantone as their safety corporation.
Jul 8, 2011
Other Changes Being Made to Facebook
Helping you connect and share with the people in your life even when none of you is exactly sure why.
Jul 1, 2011
Film Critic Complaints About Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Well, it's no Freddy Got Fingered, that's for sure.
Jun 24, 2011
Least Popular Breakfast Cereals
Though they're all still preferable to Kellogg's Mueslix.
Jun 17, 2011
Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates
The more you know, the less you understand.
Jun 10, 2011
Other Reasons for Sending Someone a Picture of Your Cock
It should be noted that ladies never need a reason to show us their boobs.
Jun 3, 2011
Other Reasons People Hate the Miami Heat
They're not booing; they're saying "South Booeach".
May 27, 2011
Family Feud Questions That Failed to Get 100 Survey Responses
And you thought Jeopardy was tough.
May 20, 2011
Reasons You Won't Be Getting Raptured
Don't worry – everyone who's left behind gets a free small Enchirito at Taco Bell!
May 18, 2011
Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2010
From the BP disaster to the NASCAR Hall of Fame to the season finale of Lost (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
May 13, 2011
Lesser-Known Kama Sutra Positions
You might want to do some stretches first.
May 6, 2011
Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List
Get out there and live life, because you never know when you might get shot in the face by Navy SEALs while hiding out in your secret, fortified compound in Pakistan.
Apr 29, 2011
Things Overheard at the Royal Wedding
If you listen closely, you can actually hear the stuffiness!
Apr 22, 2011
Things to Look Forward to in a Trump Presidency
Be careful what you vote for.
Apr 15, 2011
Bad Prom Themes
You want an event where you awkwardly slow dance in rented clothes under the supervision of your teachers to feel special.
Apr 8, 2011
New Slogans for the Obama Reelection Campaign
You can't spell "reelect Obama" without "acrobat melee."
Apr 1, 2011
Additional Changes AMC Wanted to Make to Mad Men
Up next: The Walking Dead with less zombies and more sexy singing teens.
Mar 30, 2011
Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2010
From the Winter Olympics to Joe Biden to the Toyota recall (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Mar 25, 2011
Other Surprising Facts Found in the 2010 U.S. Census Data
Well, other than the fact that there sure are a lot of people with the last name Jablome.
Mar 18, 2011
Signs You Got Drunker Than You Realized on St. Patrick's Day
But less drunk than you got on President's Day. (Shudder)
Mar 11, 2011
Things Emilio Estevez Has Been Up To Lately
It's not easy bein' a Sheen.
Mar 4, 2011
Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians
That just means there's more of us to hate.
Feb 25, 2011
Ways Your Cell Phone is Affecting Your Brain
Not to be confused with ways your cell phone affectation is affecting your social life.
Feb 18, 2011
Things Americans Were Paying Attention To While That Whole Egypt Thing Was Going On
In our defense, we're used to learning about Egypt's past. Who knew they had stuff worth paying attention to in the present?
Feb 11, 2011
Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab
That Hanes commercial where he tosses his phone into the back seat of Michael Jordan's car makes a whole lot more sense now.
Feb 9, 2011
Best of Baron von Funny: December 2009-January 2010
From Tiger Woods to Avatar to the NBC late night fiasco (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Feb 4, 2011
Other Things Dogs Can Detect By Smell
And, just like Homer Simpson, they can also hear pudding.
Jan 28, 2011
Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for Best Picture
They can't all be Scent of a Woman, can they?
Jan 21, 2011
Unusual Weather Events on Tap for 2011
You can't spell "forecasting" without "ignore facts!" (Or "finger tacos," for whatever that's worth.)
Jan 14, 2011
New Year's Resolutions That You've Already Broken
Don't feel too bad, you can always try again with your Groundhog Day Self-Improvement Oaths!
Jan 7, 2011
Memorable Moments from 2010 That May Not Have Actually Happened
It was the best of fictitious times, it was the worst of fictitious times.
Dec 24, 2010
Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List
Get ready for some extra-lumpy coal!
Dec 17, 2010
Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year
If a meaningless award is given out by a dying industry, does it still make a sound?
Dec 10, 2010
Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat
And just wait 'til you see what's in the pockets of your summer hot pants.
Dec 3, 2010
Additional Contract Demands Being Made by Derek Jeter
Because you can't spell "Pay Derek Jeter good" without "Ode to a greedy jerk."
Dec 1, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2009
From the Balloon Boy to distracted driving to the Sarah Palin memoir (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Nov 26, 2010
Other Things the Pope Says It's Okay to Do Now
Best papal decrees EVER.
Nov 19, 2010
Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA
Now putting the T&A in TSA!
Nov 12, 2010
Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir
Guaranteed to catch you more off guard than a Category 5 hurricane in the Gulf.
Nov 5, 2010
Ways the Democrats Plan to Win Back the American Public
Have they even tried standing outside the American public's window holding a boom box that's playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes"?
Oct 29, 2010
Halloween Activities That Sound Like Sexual Euphemisms
You'll never look at an Oh Henry! the same way again.
Oct 22, 2010
Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores
Surely you can't go wrong founding your business model on the assumption that Americans will read more books.
Oct 15, 2010
Ways to Pass the Time While Trapped in an Underground Mine
Sadly, it's still preferable to being delayed in an airport terminal.
Oct 8, 2010
Activities That Are Still Not Recommended During Pregnancy
Nobody wants a crack baby, but where is the next generation of reality TV stars going to come from?
Oct 1, 2010
Other Products Being Launched by Celebrities
But not into space. That's a whole other deal.
Sep 24, 2010
Signs That the Documentary You're Watching Might Not Be Legitimate
It's a fine line between film and flim-flam.
Sep 22, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2009
From Kanye West to swine flu to the Chevy Volt (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Sep 17, 2010
Rejected Pilots for the New Fall TV Season
Unfortunately, Outsourced wasn't one of them.
Sep 10, 2010
New Ways to Get Americans to Quit Smoking
Next, we can work on ways to get Americans to quit trying to get other Americans to quit stuff.
Sep 3, 2010
Additional Courses to Be Offered at Glenn Beck University
Before applying, just make sure you have a safety school, like O'Reilly Tech, Hannity College, or Dartmouth.
Aug 27, 2010
Surprising Stipulations Found in the Tiger Woods Divorce Settlement
Luckily, there's enough green jackets for everyone in the family.
Aug 20, 2010
Other Construction Projects Deemed Too Inappropriate to Be Allowed Within Five Blocks of Ground Zero
If you build it, they will scrum.
Aug 13, 2010
Ways JetBlue Plans to Improve Employee Morale
If you're JetBlue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where you can earn plaudits: puttin' on the PR blitz.
Aug 6, 2010
Reasons Brett Favre is Being So Indecisive
You can't spell "Favre indecision" without "divine fiasco." (You also can't spell it without "fine vino sidecar," but that's just silly.)
Jul 30, 2010
Other Things Obama Fears Will Be WikiLeaked
Loose lips, now at your fingertips!
Jul 28, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2009
From Sarah Palin to rejected Jeopardy! categories to the Congressional health care bill (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Jul 24, 2010
Reasons Mel Gibson Is So Angry
Oh like you've never been caught delivering a series of screaming, profanity-laced tirades on the phone to the Russian singer-songwriter who bore your child.
Jul 16, 2010
American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies
No, even they don't understand why Two and a Half Men is so popular.
Jul 9, 2010
Signs That Parents Are Getting Fed Up With Parenting
Stupid perpetuation of the species!
Jul 2, 2010
Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts
And this after we've spent all these years celebrating their accomplishments by eating hot dogs and blowing stuff up.
Jun 25, 2010
New Slogans for BP
Because if there's one thing slicker than oil, it's good spin doctoring.
Jun 18, 2010
Other Uses for the Vuvuzela
Why should soccer fans be the only ones to enjoy teeth-grinding aggravation and temporary hearing loss?
Jun 11, 2010
Real Reasons the ESPN Zone Restaurant Chain Failed
They flew too close to the sun on wings of buffalo.
Jun 4, 2010
Surprises Found in Mark Twain's Forthcoming Autobiography
Why couldn't Miley Cyrus have waited 100 years to publish her autobiography?
May 28, 2010
Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus
Which is not to be confused with Ways to Kill the Noid Using a Plumber's PVC Apparatus.
May 21, 2010
Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost
Come on, why would they give us anything other than more of the lucid, straightforward, plain-spoken storytelling we've come to enjoy over the years?
May 19, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2009
From Somali pirates to the new Star Trek movie to Obama's first 100 days in office (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
May 14, 2010
Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame
Celebrating 62 years of ancillary carbon monoxide poisoning!
May 7, 2010
Other Ways BP Plans to Make Up for the Gulf Oil Spill
You just know the make-up sex is going to be really, really good.
Apr 30, 2010
Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors
Maybe they'd be good enough for those jerks over at Hagen-Dazs.
Apr 23, 2010
Additional Problems Caused by Having Too Much Sodium in Your Diet
As it you didn't already have your hands full dealing with the side effects from your Savella.
Apr 16, 2010
Things That John Paul Stevens Will Miss About Being a Supreme Court Justice
Sure, there's the job security, the power, the prestige... but what about the really important stuff?
Apr 9, 2010
Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Doctor Say
You're gonna want to start stocking up on apples.
Apr 2, 2010
Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope
Celebrating nearly 20 years of making the Kansas City Royals and their fans feel better about themselves.
Mar 26, 2010
Additional Gaffes Made by Joe Biden
He who gaffes last, gaffes best.
Mar 24, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2009
From March Madness to unwanted Barbie dolls to Christian Bale's profane tirade (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Mar 19, 2010
Moral Imperatives That Didn't Make the Cut for the Ten Commandments
And you thought it was hard enough just trying to live up to the existing ones.
Mar 12, 2010
Lesser-Known St. Patrick's Day Traditions
You might find them preferable to screaming "Erin Go Bragh!" for five hours with a shirtless guy named Sully.
Mar 5, 2010
Other Ways the U.S. Postal Service Plans to Cut Costs
Looks like we gave up a little too quickly on that whole Pony Express idea, huh?
Feb 26, 2010
New Slogans for ESPN
Honestly, they were just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to that girl's pants!
Feb 19, 2010
Rejected Winter Olympics Events
Not surprising coming from the people that shot down Skijring back in 1928.
Feb 12, 2010
Other Things Sarah Palin Has Written on Her Hand
Still, a note on her hand beats two on George Bush.
Feb 5, 2010
Other Problems Found in Toyota Vehicles
Did we learn nothing from the classic 1986 Michael Keaton comedy Gung Ho?
Jan 29, 2010
Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs
There is definitely such a thing as too much of a good thing.
Jan 22, 2010
Mistakes Made by Martha Coakley in the Massachusetts Senate Campaign
You can't spell "Democratic Party" without "tired crap."
Jan 15, 2010
Other Rejected Solutions to NBC's Late Night Problem
Which was caused by the solution to their prime time problem, which was caused by the original solution to their late night problem. Proud as a Peacock, indeed!
Jan 13, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: December 2008-January 2009
From Rod Blagojevich to unpopular holiday stories to the auto bailout (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Jan 8, 2010
Memorable Moments from 2009 That May Not Have Actually Happened
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make a bunch of shit up.
Dec 25, 2009
Least Popular Christmas Carols
Good luck going a-wassailing with these.
Dec 18, 2009
Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie
Who knew that a film set 150 years in the future on a fictional planet located several light years away from Earth would have surprises?
Dec 11, 2009
Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water
Waterworld was right: we're just a couple years away from needing to filter and drink our own urine here, people.
Dec 4, 2009
Additional Accusations Being Made Against Tiger Woods
Looks like somebody's sliced one deep into the rough.
Nov 27, 2009
Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report
Santa's not the only one that knows who's been naughty.
Nov 20, 2009
Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir
Looks like someone's "going rogue" on herself.
Nov 18, 2009
Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2008
From the presidential election to the explosion of the iPhone to the futility of the Detroit Lions (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Nov 13, 2009
Hulk Hogan Complaints About Returning to Wrestling at Age 56
Remember kids: say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and for the love of all that is holy, will you please turn down that music?!?
Nov 6, 2009
Ways That Nicolas Cage Wasted Hundreds of Millions of Dollars
Oh, like you've never spent outrageous sums of money to buy multiple European castles.
Oct 30, 2009
Least Popular Halloween Costumes for 2009
I mean, come on, if you're not going to dress up as the late Ray Walston, what's the point?
Oct 23, 2009
Balloon Boy Family Excuses
Hey, since when is deliberately misleading and using the media for your own gain considered to be anything other than a fine American tradition?
Oct 16, 2009
Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve
Won't somebody please think of the children!
Oct 9, 2009
Titles For a Fourth Jason Bourne Movie That Will Keep the Franchise in Alphabetical Order
Because nobody wants to be like those philistines who run the Batman movies.
Oct 2, 2009
Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving
Probably because they're trying to come up with clever little blurbs for the snarky joke lists on their podunk website.
Sep 25, 2009
Additional Ernie Anastos Catchphrases
May we all keep fucking that chicken.
Sep 18, 2009
Other Interjections Kanye West Can No Longer Keep to Himself
Free your mind, and your mouth will follow.
Sep 11, 2009
Surprises Planned for the New Season of Survivor
Besides the surprise that there's yet another season of Survivor.
Sep 4, 2009
Other Things the Airlines Will Soon Be Charging You For
Because they love to fly, and it shows.
Aug 28, 2009
Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu
And just when you were starting to get over your SARS mania.
Aug 21, 2009
Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement
You know, besides the prestige that comes with joining an organization that has lost four Super Bowls.
Aug 14, 2009
Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life
Unlike that leech on society, the Ford Escape. Get a job, you hippie!
Aug 7, 2009
Real Reasons Paula Abdul Left American Idol
She needs a reason?
Jul 31, 2009
Other Ideas Considered to Resolve the Gates-Crowley Dispute
After all, it's not like the White House has better ways to be spending its time and resources.
Jul 24, 2009
Recent Additions to the Congressional Health Care Bills
Your tax dollars hard at work!
Jul 17, 2009
Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles
Sometimes the road to success includes a few wrong turns.
Jul 10, 2009
Ways That Al Franken Can Make Up For Lost Time
Preferably without resorting to using a DeLorean modified by an eccentric scientist to travel back to a period several years before he was born.
Jul 3, 2009
New Slogans for Mississippi, the Fattest State in the U.S.
Or: How Mississippi Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cankle.
Jun 26, 2009
Other Proposed Changes to the 2010 Oscars
That is, besides just making it longer and more self-congratulatory.
Jun 19, 2009
Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For
Up to, but not yet including, this list.
Jun 12, 2009
Rejected Jeopardy! Categories
Yet somehow "Potent Potables" still gets a free pass.
Jun 5, 2009
Less Prestigious 300 Clubs
Sometimes membership does not have its privileges.
May 29, 2009
Additional Details About Dos Equis's Most Interesting Man in the World
He's far more fascinating than Heineken's Most Drunkenly Incapacitated Dude in a Wendy's.
May 22, 2009
Least Popular Home Repair Books
Sometimes doing it yourself is best left to other people.
May 15, 2009
Additional Cheerios Claims That Were Shot Down By the FDA
Hey, you can't blame a multi-billion-dollar corporation for trying.
May 8, 2009
Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie
Because if there's one thing rabid fan bases love, it's unexpected changes to their beloved franchise.
May 1, 2009
Less Publicized Accomplishments From Obama's First 100 Days in Office
If an accomplishment happens in the forest and no one is around to witness it, does Obama still get credit for it?
Apr 24, 2009
Other Controversial, Inappropriate, or Otherwise Odd Remarks Made By Miss USA Pageant Contestants
America's sweethearts say the darndest things.
Apr 17, 2009
Pros and Cons of Being a Somali Pirate
Apparently there's more to it than just pointing at things off the starboard bow and yelling "Avast, ye scurvy dogs!"
Apr 10, 2009
Other Celebrities Who Will Be Joining the Obama Administration
It's not exactly a collection of the best and the brightest.
Apr 3, 2009
Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes
It's a fine line between cranky old humorist and becoming a real-life version of Grandpa Simpson.
Mar 27, 2009
New NBC Slogans
Is "meh" a slogan, or more of a corporate statement of purpose?
Mar 20, 2009
Signs That You May Be Suffering From March Madness
Self-diagnosis in 25 easy steps. Remember, doctors say early detection is the key.
Mar 13, 2009
Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009
Levels of sexual innuendo not seen since the heyday of Minnesota Twins outfielder Randy Bush.
Mar 6, 2009
Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll
Let's just say that mistakes were made.
Feb 27, 2009
Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package
Clearly not all provisions are created equal.
Feb 20, 2009
Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars
Because we'd like to free up time for more awkward, stilted banter between presenters.
Feb 13, 2009
Additional Past Transgressions Alex Rodriguez Admitted to This Week
The truths finally come out.
Feb 6, 2009
Other Things That Will Set Off a Profanity-Laced Tirade From Christian Bale
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Jan 30, 2009
Other Revelations in Joe Torre's Upcoming Book The Yankee Years
Which is not to be confused with the best-selling male adolescent sex guide, The Yanking Years.
Jan 23, 2009
Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug
Consult your doctor or pharmacist to learn whether these jokes may be right for you.
Jan 16, 2009
Surprises Planned for the Obama Inauguration
It can't just be all swearing-in and speeches. It can't!
Jan 9, 2009
Better Ways to Pick a College Football Champion
Anything's better than the system they have now. Am I right, ladies?
Jan 2, 2009
Better Uses for NBC's 10pm Time Slot Than Giving It to Jay Leno
Is it possible to burn a time slot? Or feed it to wolves?
Dec 26, 2008
Memorable Moments from 2008 That May Not Have Actually Happened
Hindsight isn't always 20/20.
Dec 19, 2008
Least Popular Holiday Tales
Hey, they can't all be "Frosty the Snowman" or "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
Dec 12, 2008
Additional Demands Made by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich
Because demanding too little in an extortion conspiracy is the kind of thing that could really haunt a guy.
Dec 10, 2008
Dot-Com Startups That Never Hit It Big
It was probably for the best that they didn't. (Enjoy a special non-Friday bonus BvF!)
Dec 5, 2008
Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion
What, you thought they were actually going to use it to restructure their business models and make better cars?
Nov 28, 2008
Other Missteps That Will Result in a Lifetime Ban for "Pacman" Jones
Just in case his lawyer hasn't done a very good job of reading the fine print.
Nov 21, 2008
Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive
For those of you thinking of applying for the position in the future.
Nov 14, 2008
New Slogans for the Detroit Lions
Because making the team better doesn't really seem to be an option.
Nov 7, 2008
Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened
Though it would have been more entertaining if they had.
Oct 31, 2008
Least Popular Halloween Treats for 2008
For those who'd like to avoid having their house egged and TP'd.
Oct 24, 2008
Other Promotions Being Offered During the 2008 World Series
Because there's nothing Americans love more than earning free stuff without having to do anything for it.
Oct 17, 2008
New Things the iPhone Will Soon Be Able to Do
The smartest smart phone is about to get a whole lot smarter.
Oct 10, 2008
Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign
Just in case you missed the delicate subtleties of all the name-calling and guilt by association.
Baron von Contributors:
Tenessa Gemelke has eaten squirrel, has competed in a pageant, and has spoken in tongues.
Once a respected pharmacist, Sean Hecht now resides in a quiet room with plain walls and no sharp objects. If he takes all his meds and hasn't messed himself that week, he is allowed to contribute to PoopReading.com.
Brad Kruse was recently named "Mercenary of the Year" by Soldier of Fortune magazine, fulfilling a lifelong dream.
Brandon Kruse (Editor-in-Chief) once saw a woman in Pasadena, CA, who was eating corn on the cob, two-handed, while driving. He suspects she may hold the key to understanding the meaning of life.
Known to many as the Garry Shandling of Hat Making, Matt Kruse, now retired, spends his time as lead cashier of Mufreesboro, TN's first fully-enclosed Centaur gift and hobby shop: "Rick's Man-Horse Emporium."
Dan Lee likes to fancy himself kind of a modern day, shorter-haired, less-talented, non-bedwetting, smaller-eared, alive version of Michael Landon.
Joe Mulder starred in such classic films as The Hustler, Cool Hand Luke, and The Sting. He was also an accomplished race car driver, and raised millions for charity with his popular salad dressings. He passed away in September 2008.
In 1999, four Sri Lankan teenagers with a penchant for nonsense humor and an inexplicable grudge against TV's Michael Gross devised a computer program to spew random sentences onto the internet. They named it Jameson Simmons.
Mike Wagner hopes to be the first man to walk on the moon.
Joe Wright is a five-time French Open mixed doubles champion (juniors) and is 73rd in line to the Norwegian throne.
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