Dec 11, 2009

The New York Times published a report this week stating that more than 20 percent of the U.S.'s water treatment systems have violated the Safe Drinking Water Act over the last five years, violations that included chemicals like arsenic or radioactive substances like uranium, as well as dangerous bacteria often found in sewage. But the list doesn't stop there...

Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water

—Shredded bits of water safety regulations. (Jameson)

—Used holy water. (Matt)

—Several gallons of Tiger Woods's semen, apparently. (Brandon)

—Excess Jellin' runoff from slightly damaged Dr. Scholl's inserts. (Mike)

—Levi Johnston's cock (that thing is everywhere these days). (Joe)

—PUR water filtration system waste. (Matt)

—Chicken soup for the soul. (Jameson)

—No matter how good your treatment system is, you can never fully get rid of all of the walrus blood. (Brandon)

—Your recommended daily value of ecstasy. (Matt)

—A secret government potion that makes you engage in wild accusations about secret Muslims, government takeovers, and the death of the American dream (Glenn Beck only). (Mike)

—Well, if you're me, then vodka. (Joe)

—Child actors' tears. (Matt)

—Kevin Garnett's sack sweat (as part of his NBA contract). (Jameson)

—Nobody's seen Matt LeBlanc for a really long time now... (Brandon)

—Old New Coke. (Matt)

—That stuff that you hear when shaking a Magic 8-Ball. (Mike)

—All of the people who weren't "smarter than a 5th grader." (Matt)

—Strontium-90, wombat urine, and Venus dust; basically the same stuff that's in Mountain Dew. (Jameson)

—Photos of you drinking water. (Matt)

—Where do you think all those clunkers from the "Cash for Clunkers" program went? (Brandon)

—Pubic hair gel. (Matt)

—My keys! So that's where they were... (Joe)

—If you live downstream from Rush Limbaugh, a shitload of barbiturates. (Mike)

—Lye that was used to discretely dissolve ALF's remains. (Matt)

—Tea from all those goddam tea parties. (Jameson)

—Roughly 10% actual clean drinking water, as per the amended "Safe" Drinking Water Act of 2009. (Thanks a lot, Democratic supermajority!) (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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