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Baron von Funny

Sports

Nov 14, 2008

At 0-9, the Detroit Lions are currently the worst team in the National Football League, and they haven't had a winning season since 2000. But the team is still trying to put a good face on a bad situation...

New Slogans for the Detroit Lions

—"Preventing championship-celebrating, downtown-destroying riots since 1957." (Mike)

—"Arena football quality at NFL prices!" (Jameson)

—"Come out and see league-leading punter Nick Harris!" (Brad)

—"Welcome to Ford Field, where bringing a monkey to the game isn't frowned upon anymore!" (Matt)

—"The 2008 Detroit Lions: All ticket sales are final." (Joe)

—"You think you've got better things to do than come to our games? Well, in that case, you should probably focus on those things." (Jameson)

—"Thanks to the collapse of the Big Three automakers and the conviction of ex-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, we're not even the most disappointing thing in Detroit!" (Brandon)

—"See tomorrow's C-level celebrity golf tournament hosts today!" (Mike)

—"If you prefer, you can watch our guys play Madden 2009 for a couple hours instead." (Jameson)

—"Where else are you going to throw away your money on a Sunday? Church?" (Matt)

—"Catch 'Orlovsky Fever!'... as in backup quarterback Dan Orlovsky, and not the disease that killed all those hobos in Delaware." (Joe)

—"Please stop teasing us!" (Jameson)

—"Come watch us hold up a boom box playing Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes' outside of Barry Sanders's house." (Mike)

—"Now 100% Millen-free!" (Brad)

—"Sorry, folks. We were thinking golf rules all these years. Low score bad. We get it now." (Matt)

—"Home of the world's first triple-digit point spread!" (Jameson)

—"The 2008 Detroit Lions: Statistically, we're just as likely to win a Super Bowl as any other team Daunte Culpepper has played for!" (Joe)

—"Are you ready for some football? Because we are not." (Jameson)

—"You think we're bad? Just think about all of the negative equity you have in your home! Now who's the fuck-up?" (Matt)

—"Keep your shirt on, we're going somewhere with this..." (Brandon)

—"Detroit: Come for the unemployment; stay for the lousy football." (Jameson)

—"We hate to blame all this on the Bush administration, but the timing seems like more than a coincidence." (Matt)

—"Even though you can spell 'absolutely terrible' without 'Detroit Lions', you'd be wise not to." (Mike)

—"Remember former coach Wayne Fontes? You think he still wears those track suits?" (Matt)

—"Finally, an argument in favor of TV blackouts!" (Jameson)

—"Lots of Great Football Action... and We're Not 'Lion'!" (Found crumpled up in the bottom of some Lions PR guy's wastebasket as he sat slumped over his desk next to an empty bottle of cheap scotch.) (Joe)

—"Last one out of the stadium has to coach next week's game." (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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