Nov 9, 2012

Another election year comes to a close, and it's time for a little reflection...

Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

—Mitt Romney opens his Republican National Convention speech by saying, "Where my bitches at?" (Mike)

—The Ohio legislature narrowly passes a law that requires voters to display photo ID at their polling place, as well as a photo ID for their photo ID. (Jameson)

—Brian Williams shows up at Donald Trump's door with a shiv, muttering, "This ends NOW." (Tenessa)

—Marcus Bachmann, husband of noted anti-gay candidate Michele Bachmann, sets a new world record for hot dog eating during a campaign trip to New York City, despite the fact that the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest won't be held for another month. (Brandon)

—Def Leppard plays "Pour Some Sugar on Me" at every Romney campaign event, though it is never really made clear why. (Matt)

—After a GOP primary debate, Newt Gingrich is discovered in a broom closet "Santorum"-ing Herman Cain. (Joe)

—David Axelrod shaves his pubic hair to make a mustache for his genitals. (Mike)

—7-11 coffee cups correctly predict another election, having previously called California for Jerry Brown in 2010, and successfully picked the chairman of the Lackawanna County School Board in Pennsylvania in 2007. (Jameson)

—In a self-described "oops moment" during one of the GOP primary debates, a confused Texas Governor Rick Perry lists Arby's as one of the federal agencies he would eliminate if elected president. (Brandon)

—President Obama appears on the cover of Smithsonian magazine, fully nude except for a cutout of Florida covering his groin with the caption "The President's Big Swinging State". (Matt)

—Karl Rove shrugs and jokes "Dems the breaks! Get it?" in reaction to the news that Obama won Ohio. (Mike)

—Joe Biden wins a $50 bet with a buddy over whether there is anything Biden can possibly do that will cost Obama the election (Biden bet there wasn't). (Joe)

—Running out of money, lacking proper support, and unwilling to continue a campaign under such uncertain conditions, Michele Bachmann is stunned to discover that she has become pro-choice. (Tenessa)

—During the third debate, an on-air fact check debunks Mitt Romney's claim that room temperature Snickers are superior to frozen Snickers. (Mike)

—Senate candidates Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, when asked to identify a vagina in a book full of miscellaneous pictures, respectively point to a coffee urn and a painting of a majestic winged lion. (Brandon)

—Twice rejected by voters, Romney exits politics and begins a nonprofit foundation devoted to the pressing issue of tree height. (Jameson)

—During their Vice Presidential Debate, when Paul Ryan hammers him about the Obama administration's handling of the Libyan embassy attack, Joe Biden pauses, puts on a charming smile, and farts for 85 seconds until his time is up. (Matt)

—The Obama campaign engineers a hologram of the president that only Clint Eastwood can see during Eastwood's speech at the Republican National Convention. (Mike)

—Still bitter over withdrawing from the GOP race only to see voters beg for any alternative to Mitt Romney, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has a torrid revenge affair with Romney's wife Ann...'s Olympic dressage horse, Rafalca. (Brandon)

—Sean Hannity yanks off his belt and begins whipping the news desk after Virginia is called for Obama. (Jameson)

—After the election results come in, Facebook friends quickly put aside partisan differences and celebrate moving forward together as a nation. (Tenessa)

—Voters in Colorado and Washington agree to legalize forcing ducks to anchor news programs at gunpoint. (Brandon)

—The final blow to Mitt Romney's campaign comes on November 1st, when he is voted off The X Factor. (Matt)

—A Romnesia vaccine is developed by the Romney campaign, but Hurricane Sandy prevents its distribution to Ohio, Nevada, Colorado, Iowa, New Hampshire, and Virginia. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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