POOP READING
Dec 23, 2011

The Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa seasons are upon us, and with them, endless wish list requests for the things people want. But some wishes are more realistic than others...

Items on Your Holiday Wish List That You Won't Be Receiving

—A dog that barks limericks about angels. (Matt)

—A prequel to We Bought a Zoo. (Jameson)

—A turducken stuffed inside a duckturken. (Brandon)

—Some fucking peace and quiet for five minutes. Just FIVE minutes! SHUT UP! JESUS! (Mike)

—Kim Jong Il popping out of a cake. (Jameson)

—Kim Jong Il pooping out a cake. (Brandon)

—A reply from President Obama to your letter about what you assumed to be a shared interest in dressing up ferrets as the Rolling Stones. (Matt)

—A jury of your peers, but really sexy. (Jameson)

—A time-traveling tuba that also churns out fresh homemade butter. (Brandon)

—Angelina Jolie. (Mike)

—A wife that doesn't scoff at the idea of shitting in a coffee can in the corner of the living room on Sundays because it's the fantasy football playoffs and you can't miss a goddamn minute of action! (Matt)

—The iPhone 5. (Jameson)

—A Victorian Era blow job? What does that even mean?? (Brandon)

—A CD compilation of Roseanne Barr's best farts on the set of Roseanne. (Matt)

—An uncle who won't get all handsy at Christmas dinner. (Jameson)

—New episodes of Community in January. (Brandon)

—Human beef jerky. (Matt)

—A viable alternative to Mitt Romney. (Jameson)

—MethNogg. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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