POOP READING

Jun 16, 2017

Lesser-Known Father's Day Traditions

You should definitely go interrupt Dad in the bathroom to tell him all about it!

Jun 9, 2017

Rejected Titles for the Upcoming Top Gun Sequel

They're feeling the need... the need for greed.

Jun 2, 2017

Possible True Meanings of the Word "Covfefe"

Trump really does have all the best words!

May 26, 2017

Ways to Celebrate a Touchdown That Are Still Banned Under the NFL's Revised Celebration Rules

But apparently it's still anything goes when you're celebrating a safety.

May 19, 2017

Things Trump Could Do at This Point That Would Not Shock Anyone

He really is the Lindsay Lohan of presidents.

May 12, 2017

Real Reasons Trump Fired James Comey

Oh, come on, it's not like only one other president in U.S. history had ever fired the director of the FBI before!

May 5, 2017

Provisions in United’s Undisclosed Settlement with the Guy They Threw Off Their Plane

For starters, no more use of the term "legroom" to refer to a space that does not have enough "room" for any reasonable person's "leg".

Apr 28, 2017

Less Publicized Accomplishments From Trump's First 100 Days in Office

Look, 100 days is really only enough time to make America subpar again.

Apr 21, 2017

Things Julia Roberts Gets to Do Now That She's a Five-Time Winner of People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman in the World

It's no Conspiracy Theory; when that Pretty Woman flashes her Mona Lisa Smile, Everyone Says I Love You!

Apr 14, 2017

Lesser-Known Taxes and Tax Loopholes

So, it turns out besting an IRS agent in a game of chess is not a way to get out of paying your taxes.

Apr 7, 2017

Lesser-Known Smurf Characters

They'll blue you away! [THIS WEBSITE HAS BEEN CANCELLED]

Mar 31, 2017

Least Popular Fist Names

And you thought people were bad at naming their kids.

Mar 24, 2017

Fake Hints from Heloise

For God's sake, stay away from the fake horoscopes. You do not want to go around thinking "someone close to you will make a financial decision" when they really won't!

Mar 17, 2017

Lesser-Known Provisions of the American Health Care Act

Putting the "care" in "We don't care"!

Mar 10, 2017

Other Reasons Americans Are Having Less Sex Than They Used To

We prefer to think of it as having more non-sex than we used to. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Mar 3, 2017

College Courses or Sizzler Menu Items

It's an all-you-can-learn buffet!

Feb 24, 2017

Campaign Slogans For and Against the 2016 Oscar Nominees

But really, we all know it's just a warm-up for the BAFTAs.

Feb 17, 2017

Other Secrets General Flynn Shared with the Russians

Loose lips sink presidential administrations. (Fingers crossed!)

Feb 10, 2017

Valentine's Day Plans for Couples Who Feel 50 Shades Darker Isn't Dark Enough

"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."

Feb 3, 2017

Other Predictions Made by Punxsutawney Phil

Seeing the future beyond a shadow of a doubt!

Jan 27, 2017

Other Titles Considered for The Last Jedi

Those of us holding out for Star Wars: The Naked Lesbian Romp will have to wait a couple more years.

Jan 20, 2017

Additional Slogans for the Trump Administration

Is America great again yet?

Jan 13, 2017

Rejected Names for the Newly-Discovered Species of Gibbon

"That's what you get for not hailing to the chimp!"

Dec 23, 2016

Gifts for the Other Days of Christmas

Maybe this person isn't your true love after all...

Dec 16, 2016

Other Things Drones Will Soon Be Able to Do

[Eyes closed, fingers crossed] Please be "Edit a list of jokes so that I can get back to my bowl of Cheetos"!

Dec 9, 2016

Reasons Old People Are Happier

Don't trust anyone under 50.

Dec 2, 2016

Reasons Americans Are Not Getting Enough Sleep

Ehh, we'll just binge it over the weekend.

Nov 18, 2016

Other Toys on the W.A.T.C.H. Worst Toys List

Santa Claus is coming to town... to testify as part of a class-action lawsuit.

Nov 11, 2016

Surprising Moments from the 2016 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

Better to remember what didn't happen while we try to forget what did.

Nov 4, 2016

Other Things That Have Only Happened Once in the Last 108 Years

Fingers crossed we'll make it seven more years without another archduke getting assassinated!

Oct 28, 2016

Signs That You're in a Poorly-Run Halloween Haunted House

This is what happens when we ship all of our haunting jobs overseas.

Oct 21, 2016

Official Months That Never Got Off the Ground

When you get right down to it, some ideas really feel more “weeky” than “monthy”.

Oct 14, 2016

Other Things Guys Talk About in the Locker Room

Ehh, most of it's about The Hurt Locker, or how much they enjoy shopping at Foot Locker.

Oct 7, 2016

Things Overheard During the Brawl at Chuck E. Cheese's

Is it really all that different from what you'd normally hear at a kid's birthday party?

Sep 30, 2016

Changes Planned for Disney's Lion King Remake

Sep 23, 2016

Other Candies More Dangerous Than a Bowl of Skittles

But less dangerous than a snifter of Bugles.

Sep 16, 2016

Rejected Pilots for the 2016 Fall TV Season

Hey, you don't cast Kevin James or adapt a popular movie franchise, you pay the price.

Sep 9, 2016

Surprises Found in the New Sully Biopic

Can't wait to see who's doing the voice of the plane!

Sep 2, 2016

Corrections the New York Times Would Like to Make

All the News That's Fit to Misprint.

Aug 26, 2016

Real Reasons for the EpiPen Price Hike

Better apply for a loan now for your next asthma inhaler purchase!

Aug 19, 2016

Other Ways That the Trump Campaign Is Shaking Things Up

Making America Even Greater Again Again!

Aug 12, 2016

Other Olympians People Are Amazed They've Never Heard of Before

This is the slippery slope many warned of when we allowed Mark Spitz to win all those gold medals in 1972.

Aug 5, 2016

Other Benefits of Dental Floss That Remain Unproven

4 out of 5 dentists do not recommend this list.

Jul 29, 2016

Other Ways the DNC Is Different from the RNC

Full disclosure: many of these jokes were written by Michelle Obama in 2008.

Jul 22, 2016

Other Problems Caused By Playing Too Much Pokémon Go

What could possibly be making all these people want to escape reality?

Jul 15, 2016

Things Santa Does in the Summer

Luckily, all the passive-aggressive e-mail hashing out the schedule for the timeshare he splits with the Easter Bunny is overwith by Memorial Day.

Jul 8, 2016

Other Problems Found in Leading Brands of Sunscreen

Time for a return to full body swimwear!

Jul 1, 2016

Signs That Your Fourth of July Party Isn't Patriotic Enough

Shouldn't have prematurely shot your wad on that Flag Day dry run; now you've got a mess on your hands.

Jun 24, 2016

Rejected Disney Sequels

You'd be surprised, but the people who pay Tim Burton to spray neon paintballs all over his wife and Johnny Depp actually say "no" sometimes.

Jun 17, 2016

Things That Will Get You Banned by Donald Trump

Also serves as a handy to-do list!

Jun 3, 2016

Unintended Consequences of the FDA's Plan to Reduce Sodium in the American Diet

Won't somebody think of the snack chips!

May 27, 2016

Other Changes the TSA Is Making to Reduce Wait Times

Finally, more time to spend in the boarding line!

May 20, 2016

Reasons Americans Aren't Using Their Local Park

This is why we can't have nice things.

May 13, 2016

Studies Rejected by Scientific Journals

But happily accepted by the Huffington Post!

May 6, 2016

Other Things Your Dog Doesn't Want From You

Man's best friend? More like dog's annoying co-worker.

Apr 22, 2016

Rejected BuzzFeed Content

Who knew a garbage can could throw stuff away?

Apr 15, 2016

Reasons Your Tax Return Is Likely to Be Audited

You really should have known better than to wear that What Would Wesley Snipes Do bracelet.

Apr 8, 2016

Possible Titles for the Fifth Indiana Jones Movie

Is Jaws: The Revenge already taken?

Mar 18, 2016

Signs That You've Got a March Madness Gambling Problem

Ehh, it's not like you've been using your legs all that much anyway.

Mar 11, 2016

Least Popular Canned Soups

Cans are old news anyway. Everyone's eating soup out of giant Swiss horns these days.

Mar 4, 2016

Ways the Republican Party Plans to Stop Donald Trump

Reality is starting to sink in for the Party of Lincoln.

Feb 26, 2016

Other Items Found in This Year's Oscars Gift Bag

At least all those famous, successful, and wealthy nominees will have something to feel good about if they lose.

Feb 19, 2016

Least Popular Items to Create Using a 3D Printer

Just in time for Easter basket gift season!

Feb 12, 2016

Little-Known Facts About Bernie Sanders

Looks like the skeletons are out of the closet– oh wait, that's just Bernie.

Jan 29, 2016

Unusual Pregnancy Cravings

Eat for two, indeed.

Jan 22, 2016

Other Things Sarah Palin Endorses

She still draws the line at putting lipstick on a pig though. Gotta have standards.

Jan 15, 2016

Pros and Cons of Winning $1.5 Billion

Show me the conflicted emotions!

Jan 8, 2016

Least Used New Year's Resolutions

You might be thinking a little too outside the box.

Dec 18, 2015

Surprises Found in Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Did not expect the NC-17 rating. Some things you can't un-see. [Shudder]

Dec 11, 2015

Things Americans Can Do to Raise Their Average Life Expectancy

The answer's probably less salt... unless it's more salt.

Dec 4, 2015

Rejected Meat Loaf Songs and/or Accepted Guy Fieri Restaurant Menu Items

There's a difference?

Nov 20, 2015

Pros and Cons of the New Domino's Pizza Oven Car

What an age to be alive...

Nov 13, 2015

Things Overheard During a Time-Travel-Aided Confrontation Between Jeb Bush and Baby Hitler

It's the Look Who's TalkingInglorious Basterds crossover no one's been waiting for!

Oct 30, 2015

Least Popular Halloween Costumes for 2015

Still more popular than Lincoln Chafee though.

Oct 23, 2015

Other Demands Made By Paul Ryan

Yeah, not like that stupid John Boehner, always asking politely.

Oct 9, 2015

Least Popular Names for Twins

Oct 2, 2015

Additional Volkswagen Claims That Have Been Proven False

Oh, like you've never made hundreds of millions of dollars by lying to millions of people.

Sep 25, 2015

Other Things That Hackers Will Soon Be Able to Steal From You

[Types "How do you install a firewall in your genitals?" into Google.]

Sep 18, 2015

Other Actions That Will Get You Arrested in Irving, Texas

Time to bone up on local civic ordinances! (Though be careful, because boning up will get you arrested.)

Sep 11, 2015

Other Ways the New England Patriots Have Cheated Over the Years

We greatly prefer the unsullied integrity of the Vikings' four Super Bowl losses.

Sep 4, 2015

Rejected Pilots for the 2015 Fall TV Season

Each made the classic TV mistake of not having John Stamos star as a surprised new grandpa. (Watch Grandfathered this fall on Fox!)

Aug 28, 2015

Least Popular Restaurant Chains

Putting the F in food, thanks to the letter grade they got from the health inspector.

Aug 21, 2015

Side Effects of the New "Female Viagra" Drug

Finally, a sex drug that benefits men!

Aug 14, 2015

Items Left on Your Summer To-Do List

Write clever blurb for your list of jokes about fake summer to-do lists.

Aug 7, 2015

Reasons hitchBOT Was Killed

This is why we can't have nice things!

Jul 31, 2015

Reasons You Were Unfriended/Unfollowed on Social Media

Ehh, it's not perfect, but what are ya gonna do? Go back to dealing with people face to face?

Jul 24, 2015

New Discoveries Found on Pluto

Just wait until you see what they found in Uranus!

Jul 17, 2015

Surprises Found in Donald Trump's Personal Financial Disclosure Form

You can't spell "Donald Trump's Money" without "Moody nuns trampled"!

Jul 10, 2015

Other Terrible Things Tom Selleck Has Been Doing While You Weren't Paying Attention

And you do NOT want to know what John Hillerman has been up to. Yeesh.

Jul 3, 2015

Other Questions Hippies Are Being Besieged with in the Wake of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's Dissent

In the event you cannot find a hippie, please consult your nearest trainyard hobo.

Jun 19, 2015

Twitter Hashtags That Failed to Become Trending Topics

#BetterLuckNextTime

Jun 5, 2015

Ways to Mispronounce the Name of Resigning FIFA President Sepp Blatter

Sepp Blatter, João Havelange, Rodolphe Seeldrayers, Daniel Burley Woolfall... why do the names of former FIFA presidents sound like they were created by a drunken random word generator?

May 29, 2015

Little-Known Facts About the 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates

And knowing is half the battle! (The other half being trying not to shoot yourself in the face as you sit through 17 months of political campaigning.)

May 15, 2015

Rejected Candidates to Replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 Bill

We wouldn't have this problem if we'd just switch to Disney Dollars.

May 8, 2015

Stripper Names or Kentucky Derby Horses

Why can't someone be both, like the late Earl Warren?

May 1, 2015

Surprises Found in the New Avengers Sequel

Who knew that "Directed by Woody Allen" was only the beginning?

Apr 17, 2015

Pros and Cons of Becoming the First First Gentleman in White House History

Why has it taken so long to get a man in the White House?

Apr 10, 2015

Little-Known Facts About Scientology Revealed in the New Documentary Going Clear

[BLURB REDACTED AFTER ADVISEMENT FROM AN ANONYMOUS INSTITUTION WHOSE HELPFUL SUGGESTION SHOULD IN NO WAY BE VIEWED AS CENSORSHIP]

Apr 3, 2015

Other Things That Are Causing Teen Driver Accidents

Teens: Always there when adults need to assign blame for society's ills.

Mar 20, 2015

Ways That Life Will Be Different If California Runs Out of Water

And you won't believe what happens when Idaho runs out of potatoes!

Mar 13, 2015

Possible Side Effects of the "Love Hormone" Nasal Spray

C'mon, no one has ever regretted putting things up their nose.

Mar 6, 2015

Pros and Cons of Daylight Saving Time

How come no one ever talks about Darkness Wasting Time?

Feb 27, 2015

Other Items on Hall & Oates's List of the Best Things in Life, Besides Your Kiss

Not on the list: that bastard Eddie Rabbit. He knows what he did.

Feb 20, 2015

Additional Newly Discovered Dr. Seuss Books

Why let being dead keep you being widely read?

Feb 13, 2015

Other Questionable Claims Made By Brian Williams Over the Years

Proud as a peacock, indeed.

Feb 6, 2015

Other Reasons Parents Choose Not to Vaccinate Their Kid

Ehh, they can always make another one.

Jan 30, 2015

Least Popular Super Bowl Party Foods

Guaranteed to make you punt out of bounds!

Dec 19, 2014

Lesser-Known Holiday Traditions

You know, like Yuletide barrels being flung into a fire, and folks dressed up like pesky Mos Def, etc., etc.

Dec 12, 2014

Other Things Mark Wahlberg Would Like Expunged from His Record

It's a "Perfect Storm" for a "Fighter" who wishes that his problems could be "Departed". (We'd like this blurb to also be expunged from the record.)

Dec 5, 2014

Names That Are More Unfortunate Than Dick Butkus

We're looking at you, Dick Armey!

Nov 21, 2014

Qualities Charles Manson Looks for in a Wife

Why can't he just use OkCupid like most sociopaths?

Nov 14, 2014

Best-Selling Real Estate Novels

It's no wonder Paul never had time for a wife!

Oct 31, 2014

Least Popular Halloween Tricks

Where the lesson is: ALWAYS choose treat.

Oct 24, 2014

Least-Used Hyphenated Words

They're grammar-tastic!

Oct 10, 2014

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About the Ebola Virus

But what if you're not getting paranoid enough??

Oct 3, 2014

Other Things the Secret Service Would Like to Clear Up Regarding the White House Intruder

We are shocked that an organization with the word "secret" in its title would be less than forthcoming with information!

Sep 26, 2014

Other Things People Hate Getting for Free

You've got a lot of nerve being so generous, mister.

Sep 19, 2014

Rejected Pilots for the 2014 Fall TV Season

What can you do? The bar got set awfully high by Selfie.

Sep 12, 2014

Lesser-Known Features of the New Apple Watch

Think of all the time you'll save not having to reach all the way into your pocket or purse to grab your phone!

Sep 5, 2014

Least Popular Soups

Crimes against soupmanity! (Not to be confused with the "soup manatee", the horrifying soup-manatee hybrid that killed all those beach goers in Tampa.)

Aug 29, 2014

Things Jay Leno Has Been Doing Lately

You're never bored when you've got the Dancing Itos on speed dial!

Aug 22, 2014

Least Popular Fundraising Stunts

What we need is a fundraising stunt to raise awareness for failed fundraising stunts.

Aug 15, 2014

Unexpected Items on the School Supply List

And wait 'til you see what's on the lunch menu.

Aug 8, 2014

Rejected Titles for George W. Bush's Book About George H.W. Bush

Any book in your hand is worth two from George W. Bush.

Aug 1, 2014

How Do I Get Out of This Chickenshit Outfit?

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Jul 25, 2014

Songs About Food

Are you ready to wok?!

Jul 18, 2014

Rejected Movie Sequels

What can you do when the bar was set so high by Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid?

Jul 11, 2014

Other Ways Life Is Different for the Harry Potter Characters in Their 30s

Get ready for Harry Potter and the Mysterious Lingering Back Pain!

Jul 4, 2014

Other Ways Corporations Are Like People

Hey, and look! That duck is just like an urban municipality!

Jun 27, 2014

Great Things About Being "Left Behind"

It's still better than jury duty, that's for sure.

Jun 13, 2014

Additional Ways to Leave Your Lover

Whatever happened to the time-honored tradition of writing "See ya!" on an old shoe and leaving it in the mouth of their horse?

Jun 6, 2014

Worst Excuses Ever Given for Missing Work

Of course, if you don't skip out on your job, then you have to come up with an excuse for why you didn't make an excuse.

May 30, 2014

Pros and Cons of Google's Self-Driving Car

Sure, but where's our robot to command the self-driving car for us?

May 23, 2014

Ways Target Plans to Win Back Customers

Mo' data breach, mo' problems.

May 16, 2014

Items on Barbara Walters's Retirement Bucket List

But first she'll take a long, leisurely, on-camera stroll with the bucket around its estate, so you can see that they're totally getting to know one another in a casual, friendly setting.

May 9, 2014

Least Inspiring Sports Quotes

Vince Lombardi must be rolling in his gra– oh wait, nope, that's just the sound of the dryer.

May 2, 2014

Rejected Titles for Moby-Dick

Wait, that's the one they kept??

Apr 25, 2014

Words That Almost Rhyme with Bieber

So close, and yet so far.

Apr 18, 2014

Reasons We're Not Drowning as Often as We Used To

Oh god, what if this means we're not drowning as often as we should?!

Apr 11, 2014

Signs That Your Internet Video Probably Isn't Going to Go Viral

Maybe you'll have better luck with your Arli$$ fan fiction.

Apr 4, 2014

Vladimir Putin Turn-Ons

In Soviet Russia, Vladimir Putin turns on YOU! (Seriously though, he will betray and imprison you.)

Mar 28, 2014

Things That Are Causing Our Lower Back Pain

It's probably due to all the offensive back pain "satire" out there these days.

Mar 14, 2014

Other Behavior That Is Considered "Unpresidential"

Better get it all out of your system when you're a Congressman or Governor.

Mar 7, 2014

Little-Known Facts About "Adele Dazeem"

What's in a name? Or, as John Travolta might say, "Warts own an camel?"

Feb 21, 2014

Additional Risks of Sitting Too Much

Some of us prefer to see it as standing too little.

Feb 14, 2014

Other Problems with the Hotels in Sochi

If only Sarah Palin had looked out her window and warned us.

Feb 7, 2014

Ineligible Breeds at the Westminster Dog Show

You can't spell "Westminster Dog Show" without "Tits Showdown Merges"!

Jan 31, 2014

Unusual Promises Made by President Obama During the State of the Union Address

Come on, he's not going to waste his A material on a free TV special.

Jan 24, 2014

Signs That Winter Is Breaking People's Spirit

This does not bode well for the Independent Spirit Awards in March.

Jan 10, 2014

Memorable Moments from 2013 That May Not Have Actually Happened

Sorry, we were busy looking at our phones.

Dec 26, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2012

From bad Halloween costumes to the 2012 election to the new Star Wars movies (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Dec 20, 2013

Least Popular Christmas Characters

Still better than Freddie, the Flag Day Ferret.

Dec 13, 2013

Things You Could Do with $400M

May we recommend buying a costly ad on a little-seen website?

Dec 6, 2013

Other Side Effects of Vitamin D Deficiency

Thank goodness there's plenty of Vitamin D in Sprite! (This week's BvF brought to you by Sprite.)

Nov 22, 2013

Things Americans Are Thankful For

We're the most thankful nation in the world! Take THAT, Sweden!

Nov 15, 2013

Other Mistakes from Over the Years That 60 Minutes Would Like to Retract

They're sorry, but no, there's nothing they can do about Steve Kroft.

Nov 8, 2013

Signs That Your City's Mayor Might Be Smoking Crack

And you were worried about Anthony Weiner's penis.

Nov 6, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2012

From Bigfoot to rejected TV pilots to Invisible Obama (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Nov 1, 2013

Surprising Items Found in Kids' Treat Bags This Halloween

Look, some of us forgot to buy candy, and those underpants had only been worn once!

Oct 18, 2013

Signs That You're Addicted to Oreos

Things fall apart; the creamy center cannot hold.

Oct 11, 2013

Other Amazing Things Peyton Manning Can Do

Soon to be documented in the TV movie The Pass That Fixed Obamacare!

Oct 4, 2013

Additional Demands of the GOP "Suicide Caucus"

We object to the term "Suicide Caucus", when you could have said "Put Myself to Sleep Caucus".

Sep 27, 2013

Lesser-Known Provisions of the Affordable Care Act

Confusing enough to ensure that the uninsured don't feel so sure about their insurance.

Sep 20, 2013

Other Things Starbucks Would Like Its Customers to Stop Doing

It's like they won't even just sit quietly and sip their coffee and maybe eat a couple pastries while listening to this new Paul McCartney album that's on sale for $9.99. Sheesh.

Sep 13, 2013

Rejected Pilots for the 2013 Fall TV Season

Instead, watch James Caan get back in the game in Back in the Game! ABC you on the couch, America!

Sep 6, 2013

Pros and Cons of Swimming for 53 Hours

Just in case you were thinking about trying it yourself.

Aug 30, 2013

Things You Should Do After Labor Day

But why won't anyone give us any do's and don'ts for Grandparents Day?

Aug 23, 2013

Ways to Mispronounce the Name Benedict Cumberbatch

And don't even ask about Shia LaBeouf.

Aug 16, 2013

Least Popular Snack Chips

Which means they're still eaten more often than carrots.

Aug 14, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2012

From unpopular superheroes to Mitt Romney's tax returns to the Octomom porn film (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Aug 9, 2013

Other Things That Are Causing Tension Between Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin

Let's just hope no one serves them a single Eggo waffle.

Jul 26, 2013

Pseudonyms Anthony Weiner Considered Before Choosing "Carlos Danger"

Because you want to make sure the fake name you use for anonymous internet sex reflects the ideas and values of your political campaign.

Jul 12, 2013

Warning Signs People Missed That Aaron Hernandez Might Be a Murderer

It was probably because they were all quiet loners who kept to themselves.

Jul 5, 2013

Less-Heralded Things About Being an American That Are Worth Celebrating This Week

Paging Francis Scott Key and Irving Berlin!

Jun 28, 2013

Additional Movies in the Works That Will Feature a U.S. President

And look for Richard Dreyfuss to reprise his role as Dick Cheney with Bill Pullman as Dan Quayle in Hunting Quayle!

Jun 21, 2013

Other Things Rep. Michael Burgess Has Seen a Fetus Do

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me." "The baby looked at you?"

Jun 14, 2013

Surprising Things the NSA Has Learned from Spying on Americans

It's enough to put you off eavesdropping forever.

Jun 7, 2013

Viewer Complaints About After Earth

Guess this puts the kibosh on After After Earth: The Re-Earthening, huh?

Jun 5, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2012

From lesser-known diseases to the Secret Service scandal to the Cannes film festival (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

May 31, 2013

Additional "Facts" Michele Bachmann Would Like You to Know Before She Leaves Office

The extra N in Bachmann is for "nowledge"!

May 24, 2013

Least Popular Tourist Attractions

Suddenly, spending a week at Aunt Gladys's in Schenectady doesn't sound so bad.

May 17, 2013

Headlines That Less Mature New York City Newspaper Editors Could Run During an Anthony Weiner Mayoral Campaign

Weiner is the gift that keeps on giving.

May 10, 2013

Least Popular Mother's Day Gifts

And you thought the labor pains were uncomfortable.

May 3, 2013

Less Groundbreaking Revelations About Other NBA Players

Maybe we'll just keep the focus on the court for a while, fellas.

Apr 26, 2013

Alternate Uses for the U.S. Penny

A penny saved is a penny adding approximately 0.080 troy ounces of mass to your home.

Apr 19, 2013

Reasons Some Americans Have Not Filed Their Taxes Yet

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and procrastination.

Apr 17, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2012

From Jeremy Lin to high gas prices to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Apr 12, 2013

Surprising Proposals in President Obama's New Budget Plan

Gotta spend money to make money... unless you decide to just literally make more money.

Apr 5, 2013

Other Alarming Things Kim Jong-un Has Done Lately

Like insane father, like insane son.

Mar 29, 2013

Complaints of Jon Hamm's Penis

Next up: the philosophical entreaties of January Jones's breasts.

Mar 22, 2013

Rejected Celebrity Reality Shows

Not to be confused with Rejected!, the celebrity reality show where celebrities pitch ill-fated reality show ideas.

Mar 15, 2013

Job Requirements of the New Pope

A job so back-breakingly tough that the last guy quit!

Mar 8, 2013

Other Things That You Should Probably Worry About

Including worrying about whether you are worrying enough the things you should be worried about.

Mar 1, 2013

Additional Ways Sequestration Will Cut Federal Spending

You can't spell "federal sequestration" without "fear eloquent disaster"!

Feb 22, 2013

Other Unusual Deals Being Offered By U.S. Retailers

Buy this blurb and get half off a second blurb of equal or lesser value!

Feb 15, 2013

Real Reasons the Pope is Retiring

Do they make an RV version of the Popemobile?

Feb 8, 2013

Rejected New Tokens for Monopoly

It takes a lot of work to come up with something better than a thimble.

Feb 6, 2013

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2011-January 2012

From Black Friday to holiday wish lists to Rick Santorum (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Feb 1, 2013

Additional Perks of Being Named Super Bowl MVP

To the victor go the spoils a brand-new 2014 Chevrolet Corvette convertible!

Jan 25, 2013

Terrible Things That Are Already Happening as a Result of Beyoncé Lip-Synching the National Anthem

You ruined everything, ruiner!

Jan 18, 2013

Pros and Cons of Having an Imaginary Girlfriend

Jan 11, 2013

Real Reasons the BBWAA Didn't Vote Anyone Into the Baseball Hall of Fame This Year

Clearly they're saving their votes for the year that Arli$$ becomes eligible for induction.

Jan 4, 2013

Memorable Moments from 2012 That May Not Have Actually Happened

It's possible we were drinking at the time.

Dec 21, 2012

Lesser-Known Reindeer Who Used to Work for Santa

But where's their beloved holiday jingles and stop-motion Christmas specials?

Dec 19, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2011

From Herman Cain to Broadway shows to inappropriate Halloween costumes (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Dec 14, 2012

Least Popular Searches on Google

Boldly going where no man has gone before.

Dec 7, 2012

Rejected Names for the New Royal Baby

Ehh, it's not like anyone's going to be paying attention.

Nov 30, 2012

Other Names Considered Before Settling on the Term "Fiscal Cliff"

It's important that we all agree on the term we're going to mutter under our breath later when we're forced to eat pigeons while living in our shantytown.

Nov 16, 2012

Additional New York Jets Complaints About Tim Tebow

Tebow? More like Te-blows! (The Jets would also like to file a complaint about this blurb.)

Nov 9, 2012

Surprising Moments from the 2012 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

We can really only remember about 47% of it.

Nov 2, 2012

Changes That Will Be Made to the Star Wars Franchise Under Disney

A corporation known for never pinching pennies and a fan base that always handles alterations well. What could possibly go wrong?

Oct 26, 2012

Least Popular Sexy Halloween Costumes

Guaranteed to put the fright in your All Hallows' Eve night.

Oct 19, 2012

Other Things Undecided Voters Can't Decide

To be, or not to be... can they get back to you on that?

Oct 12, 2012

Least Popular Board Games

This is what happens when you buy from Bilton Mradley.

Oct 10, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2011

From the U.S. credit downgrade to the NBA lockout to the HPV vaccine (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Oct 5, 2012

Things Overheard at the First Presidential Debate

Now with 20% more quiet snickering about the use of the word "rebuttal"!

Sep 28, 2012

Perks Conceded to the NFL Referees in Order to Get Them Back to Work

Looks like someone's union is contractually ready for some footbaaalll!

Sep 21, 2012

Pros and Cons of Being Jesus' Wife

Even he who is without sin can sometimes be a pain in the ass.

Sep 14, 2012

Rejected Pilots for the 2012 Fall TV Season

Well, they can't all be The Mob Doctor, can they?

Sep 7, 2012

Other Things That Can Be Attributed to Invisible Obama

But will he meet his match in Ultra-Visible Romney?

Aug 31, 2012

Pros and Cons of Dressing Up as Bigfoot

It's not a hobby, it's a lifestyle.

Aug 24, 2012

Other "Facts" Rep. Todd Akin Would Like to Share With You

Aug 17, 2012

Little-Known Facts About Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan

Because we demand to know everything there is to know about a guy we never heard of a week ago!

Aug 10, 2012

Ways That McDonald's Plans to Rejuvenate Their Business

Get ready to indiscriminately shove more things into your food hole!

Aug 6, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2011

From the GOP candidates to unpopular cereals to the debt ceiling (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Aug 3, 2012

Rejected Summer Olympics Events

Guess the bar was set too high by Equestrian Eventing.

Jul 27, 2012

Secrets Hidden in Mitt Romney's Unreleased Tax Returns

Let he who is without millions in income being exempted through the use of dozens of loopholes cast the first stone.

Jul 20, 2012

Least Popular Superheroes

Of course, this kind of hurtful rejection is just the sort of thing that turns superheroes into supervillains.

Jul 13, 2012

Lesser-Known Rhyming Aphorisms

If the aphorism doesn't rhyme, then it isn't worth a lousy nickel.

Jul 6, 2012

Neighborhood Complaints About Your Behavior on Independence Day

Did you learn nothing from Flag Day?

Jun 29, 2012

Signs That Your City Is Going Bankrupt

You never should have built it on rock n' roll.

Jun 22, 2012

Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film

Guaranteed to start a new wave of octoeroticism!

Jun 15, 2012

Least Popular Father's Day Gifts

It's enough to drive a man to a vasectomy.

Jun 8, 2012

Signs That Americans' Heads Are Growing Too Large

Damn that Mr. Burns and his Brain & Nerve Tonic!

Jun 1, 2012

Other Things People Might Do While High on "Bath Salts"

We can only assume it's a gateway drug to "bath peppers".

May 30, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2011

From the Rapture to bad prom themes to the Royal Wedding (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

May 25, 2012

New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News

You stay classy, America's Most Watched Network!

May 18, 2012

Least Popular Films at the Cannes Film Festival

We're pretty sure they're not saying "Boo-urns".

May 11, 2012

Things That Modern Science Cannot Explain

So phrenology's looking pretty good right about now, huh?

May 4, 2012

Other "Oops Moments" Rick Perry Says God Will Forgive

But if you hang toilet paper in the improper underhand fashion, you're on your own.

Apr 27, 2012

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Feature Editors Could Try to Run a Few Months From Now

And they're keeping an eye on that Albert Pujols situation in Anaheim.

Apr 20, 2012

New Mottos for the U.S. Secret Service

Ask not what your country can do for you; ask who you can do for your country.

Apr 13, 2012

Questions Asked of Tax Professionals at Filing Time

Nothing is certain except death and taxes... and stupid questions.

Apr 6, 2012

Lesser-Known Diseases That Are on the Rise

It's an epidemiological epidemic!

Mar 30, 2012

Ways Americans Are Dealing with High Gas Prices

And don't even get them started on the rising cost of outrage!

Mar 28, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2011

From Charlie Sheen to St. Patrick's Day drinking to the 2010 U.S. Census (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Mar 23, 2012

Other Changes Michael Bay Has Planned for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Franchise

But surely the man who made Pearl Harbor will be faithful to the source material!

Mar 16, 2012

Things Overheard in the Customer Lines for the New iPad

Though some of them are probably just getting in line now for the iPhone 5.

Mar 9, 2012

Other Reasons Peyton Manning and the Colts Are Parting Ways

Nothing old can stay.

Mar 2, 2012

Rejected McDonald's Menu Items

Because the company that brought you the Hulaburger and the Arch Deluxe will not tolerate any bad ideas.

Feb 24, 2012

Campaign Slogans For and Against This Year's Oscar Nominees

At least it's more civilized than the barbed wire steel cage match they use to decide the winners at the Latin Grammys.

Feb 17, 2012

Little-Known Facts About Jeremy Lin

It's a truly Jeremcredible story.

Feb 10, 2012

Least Popular Valentine's Day Gifts

What could go wrong with a homemade "I Love V.D." T-shirt?

Feb 3, 2012

Reasons That the Super Bowl Party You're Attending Isn't Very Enjoyable

Guess you should've gone to that National Weatherperson's Day party instead.

Feb 1, 2012

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2010-January 2011

From Derek Jeter's contract to Santa's naughty list to New Year's resolutions (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Jan 27, 2012

Surprising Moments From President Obama's State of the Union Address

You can't spell "State of the Union" without "uneaten fish toot."

Jan 20, 2012

Other Ways Mark Wahlberg Would Have Changed History If Only He'd Been There

Watch out, John Wilkes Booth – you're about to get Italian Jobbed!

Jan 13, 2012

Other Baby Names Considered By Beyoncé and Jay-Z

Jan 6, 2012

Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head

Looks like someone's drunk on power... and significant amounts of homemade corn liquor.

Dec 30, 2011

Memorable Moments from 2011 That May Not Have Actually Happened

Remembering the year that wasn't.

Dec 23, 2011

Items on Your Holiday Wish List That You Won't Be Receiving

Ask and ye shall receive a Starbucks gift card instead.

Dec 16, 2011

Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow

Kinda makes you wonder who the Vikings are praying to.

Dec 14, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2010

From celebrity products to George W. Bush's memoir to the trapped Chilean miners (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Dec 9, 2011

Other Celebrities Who Have Been Kicked Off of Planes

Still, you're nobody until you've been thrown out of a Shoney's.

Dec 2, 2011

Signs That You're Too Obsessed With Black Friday

A penny saved is a penny you can jab into someone's eye to keep them from grabbing that toaster.

Nov 25, 2011

Less Interesting Versions of Famous Book Titles

Yeah, you can go ahead and judge these books by their covers.

Nov 18, 2011

Other Things Mike Krzyzewski Can Do Better Than Bob Knight

But Knight will always have that TV movie where he was played by Brian Dennehy.

Nov 11, 2011

Least Popular New Broadway Shows

I smell some Tonys! (Oh wait, it's just Danza and Shalhoub.)

Nov 4, 2011

Herman Cain Pickup Lines or Things People Might Say in a Restaurant

Once you go black, you'll need to sign a binding non-disclosure agreement.

Oct 28, 2011

Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

It used to be about the candy, man.

Oct 21, 2011

Upcoming Movie Remakes Featuring Talking Animals

And by "talking animal", we don't mean Vin Diesel.

Oct 14, 2011

Other Ideas Netflix is Scrapping

New Coke must be rolling in its grave.

Oct 7, 2011

Things Republicans Are Willing to Do If It Will Help Them Avoid Having Mitt Romney as Their 2012 Nominee

Looks like somebody poo-pooed the idea of Thaddeus McCotter a little too hastily.

Oct 5, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2010

From Glenn Beck University to the fall TV season to the Ground Zero mosque debate (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Sep 30, 2011

Other Amazing Things That Happened on the Last Night of the MLB Regular Season

But no, you just had to watch Harry's Law, didn't you?

Sep 23, 2011

Other Side Effects Michele Bachmann Claims Are Caused by the HPV Vaccine

And don't get her started on that ridiculous polio booster.

Sep 16, 2011

Rejected Pilots for the 2011 Fall TV Season

Of course, an approved pilot is simply one that gets rejected a month later.

Sep 9, 2011

Least Popular Super Powers

What, like the British Empire and the Soviet Union? (Historical zing!)

Sep 2, 2011

Other Things You Shouldn't Do After Labor Day

This can also serve as a handy to-do list of things to squeeze into your last weekend of summer.

Aug 26, 2011

Things NBA Players Can Do to Pass the Time During the Lockout

If there's a worse time in life to have nothing to do than when you're young, athletic, and rich, medical science has yet to discover it.

Aug 19, 2011

Special Features of Ground Force One

Go Ground Force and leave the driving to POTUS!

Aug 12, 2011

New Mottos for the U.S. in Light of the Credit Downgrade

A downgrade is just an upgrade turned upside down!

Aug 5, 2011

Ways Life Might Be Better Under the Rule of Apes

Perhaps we'll learn to love every ape we see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z.

Jul 29, 2011

Changes Being Made to Pro Football in the Wake of the New NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement

Are you ready for some post-union-decertification-and-possible-violations-of-antitrust-law football?!

Jul 27, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2010

From Mel Gibson to the Russian Spies to the vuvuzela (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Jul 22, 2011

Things That Might Happen if the U.S. Fails to Solve Its Debt Ceiling Crisis

"Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?" "Mmm, yes I would, Kent."

Jul 15, 2011

Rejected Crayola Colors

But at least they have Pantone as their safety corporation.

Jul 8, 2011

Other Changes Being Made to Facebook

Helping you connect and share with the people in your life even when none of you is exactly sure why.

Jul 1, 2011

Film Critic Complaints About Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Well, it's no Freddy Got Fingered, that's for sure.

Jun 24, 2011

Least Popular Breakfast Cereals

Though they're all still preferable to Kellogg's Mueslix.

Jun 17, 2011

Little-Known Facts About the GOP Presidential Candidates

The more you know, the less you understand.

Jun 10, 2011

Other Reasons for Sending Someone a Picture of Your Cock

It should be noted that ladies never need a reason to show us their boobs.

Jun 3, 2011

Other Reasons People Hate the Miami Heat

They're not booing; they're saying "South Booeach".

May 27, 2011

Family Feud Questions That Failed to Get 100 Survey Responses

And you thought Jeopardy was tough.

May 20, 2011

Reasons You Won't Be Getting Raptured

Don't worry – everyone who's left behind gets a free small Enchirito at Taco Bell!

May 18, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2010

From the BP disaster to the NASCAR Hall of Fame to the season finale of Lost (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

May 13, 2011

Lesser-Known Kama Sutra Positions

You might want to do some stretches first.

May 6, 2011

Unfinished Items on Osama bin Laden's Bucket List

Get out there and live life, because you never know when you might get shot in the face by Navy SEALs while hiding out in your secret, fortified compound in Pakistan.

Apr 29, 2011

Things Overheard at the Royal Wedding

If you listen closely, you can actually hear the stuffiness!

Apr 22, 2011

Things to Look Forward to in a Trump Presidency

Be careful what you vote for.

Apr 15, 2011

Bad Prom Themes

You want an event where you awkwardly slow dance in rented clothes under the supervision of your teachers to feel special.

Apr 8, 2011

New Slogans for the Obama Reelection Campaign

You can't spell "reelect Obama" without "acrobat melee."

Apr 1, 2011

Additional Changes AMC Wanted to Make to Mad Men

Up next: The Walking Dead with less zombies and more sexy singing teens.

Mar 30, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2010

From the Winter Olympics to Joe Biden to the Toyota recall (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Mar 25, 2011

Other Surprising Facts Found in the 2010 U.S. Census Data

Well, other than the fact that there sure are a lot of people with the last name Jablome.

Mar 18, 2011

Signs You Got Drunker Than You Realized on St. Patrick's Day

But less drunk than you got on President's Day. (Shudder)

Mar 11, 2011

Things Emilio Estevez Has Been Up To Lately

It's not easy bein' a Sheen.

Mar 4, 2011

Reasons Americans Are Fatter Than Canadians

That just means there's more of us to hate.

Feb 25, 2011

Ways Your Cell Phone is Affecting Your Brain

Not to be confused with ways your cell phone affectation is affecting your social life.

Feb 18, 2011

Things Americans Were Paying Attention To While That Whole Egypt Thing Was Going On

In our defense, we're used to learning about Egypt's past. Who knew they had stuff worth paying attention to in the present?

Feb 11, 2011

Things Charlie Sheen Has Learned in Rehab

That Hanes commercial where he tosses his phone into the back seat of Michael Jordan's car makes a whole lot more sense now.

Feb 9, 2011

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2009-January 2010

From Tiger Woods to Avatar to the NBC late night fiasco (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Feb 4, 2011

Other Things Dogs Can Detect By Smell

And, just like Homer Simpson, they can also hear pudding.

Jan 28, 2011

Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for Best Picture

They can't all be Scent of a Woman, can they?

Jan 21, 2011

Unusual Weather Events on Tap for 2011

You can't spell "forecasting" without "ignore facts!" (Or "finger tacos," for whatever that's worth.)

Jan 14, 2011

New Year's Resolutions That You've Already Broken

Don't feel too bad, you can always try again with your Groundhog Day Self-Improvement Oaths!

Jan 7, 2011

Memorable Moments from 2010 That May Not Have Actually Happened

It was the best of fictitious times, it was the worst of fictitious times.

Dec 24, 2010

Actions That Will Put You on Santa's Naughty List

Get ready for some extra-lumpy coal!

Dec 17, 2010

Pros and Cons of Being Time Magazine's Person of the Year

If a meaningless award is given out by a dying industry, does it still make a sound?

Dec 10, 2010

Surprising Things Found in the Pockets of Your Winter Coat

And just wait 'til you see what's in the pockets of your summer hot pants.

Dec 3, 2010

Additional Contract Demands Being Made by Derek Jeter

Because you can't spell "Pay Derek Jeter good" without "Ode to a greedy jerk."

Dec 1, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2009

From the Balloon Boy to distracted driving to the Sarah Palin memoir (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Nov 26, 2010

Other Things the Pope Says It's Okay to Do Now

Best papal decrees EVER.

Nov 19, 2010

Additional Airport Security Measures Being Planned by the TSA

Now putting the T&A in TSA!

Nov 12, 2010

Surprises Found in the New George W. Bush Memoir

Guaranteed to catch you more off guard than a Category 5 hurricane in the Gulf.

Nov 5, 2010

Ways the Democrats Plan to Win Back the American Public

Have they even tried standing outside the American public's window holding a boom box that's playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes"?

Oct 29, 2010

Halloween Activities That Sound Like Sexual Euphemisms

You'll never look at an Oh Henry! the same way again.

Oct 22, 2010

Additional Changes Being Made to Barnes & Noble Stores

Surely you can't go wrong founding your business model on the assumption that Americans will read more books.

Oct 15, 2010

Ways to Pass the Time While Trapped in an Underground Mine

Sadly, it's still preferable to being delayed in an airport terminal.

Oct 8, 2010

Activities That Are Still Not Recommended During Pregnancy

Nobody wants a crack baby, but where is the next generation of reality TV stars going to come from?

Oct 1, 2010

Other Products Being Launched by Celebrities

But not into space. That's a whole other deal.

Sep 24, 2010

Signs That the Documentary You're Watching Might Not Be Legitimate

It's a fine line between film and flim-flam.

Sep 22, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2009

From Kanye West to swine flu to the Chevy Volt (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Sep 17, 2010

Rejected Pilots for the New Fall TV Season

Unfortunately, Outsourced wasn't one of them.

Sep 10, 2010

New Ways to Get Americans to Quit Smoking

Next, we can work on ways to get Americans to quit trying to get other Americans to quit stuff.

Sep 3, 2010

Additional Courses to Be Offered at Glenn Beck University

Before applying, just make sure you have a safety school, like O'Reilly Tech, Hannity College, or Dartmouth.

Aug 27, 2010

Surprising Stipulations Found in the Tiger Woods Divorce Settlement

Luckily, there's enough green jackets for everyone in the family.

Aug 20, 2010

Other Construction Projects Deemed Too Inappropriate to Be Allowed Within Five Blocks of Ground Zero

If you build it, they will scrum.

Aug 13, 2010

Ways JetBlue Plans to Improve Employee Morale

If you're JetBlue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where you can earn plaudits: puttin' on the PR blitz.

Aug 6, 2010

Reasons Brett Favre is Being So Indecisive

You can't spell "Favre indecision" without "divine fiasco." (You also can't spell it without "fine vino sidecar," but that's just silly.)

Jul 30, 2010

Other Things Obama Fears Will Be WikiLeaked

Loose lips, now at your fingertips!

Jul 28, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2009

From Sarah Palin to rejected Jeopardy! categories to the Congressional health care bill (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Jul 24, 2010

Reasons Mel Gibson Is So Angry

Oh like you've never been caught delivering a series of screaming, profanity-laced tirades on the phone to the Russian singer-songwriter who bore your child.

Jul 16, 2010

American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies

No, even they don't understand why Two and a Half Men is so popular.

Jul 9, 2010

Signs That Parents Are Getting Fed Up With Parenting

Stupid perpetuation of the species!

Jul 2, 2010

Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts

And this after we've spent all these years celebrating their accomplishments by eating hot dogs and blowing stuff up.

Jun 25, 2010

New Slogans for BP

Because if there's one thing slicker than oil, it's good spin doctoring.

Jun 18, 2010

Other Uses for the Vuvuzela

Why should soccer fans be the only ones to enjoy teeth-grinding aggravation and temporary hearing loss?

Jun 11, 2010

Real Reasons the ESPN Zone Restaurant Chain Failed

They flew too close to the sun on wings of buffalo.

Jun 4, 2010

Surprises Found in Mark Twain's Forthcoming Autobiography

Why couldn't Miley Cyrus have waited 100 years to publish her autobiography?

May 28, 2010

Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus

Which is not to be confused with Ways to Kill the Noid Using a Plumber's PVC Apparatus.

May 21, 2010

Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost

Come on, why would they give us anything other than more of the lucid, straightforward, plain-spoken storytelling we've come to enjoy over the years?

May 19, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2009

From Somali pirates to the new Star Trek movie to Obama's first 100 days in office (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

May 14, 2010

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

Celebrating 62 years of ancillary carbon monoxide poisoning!

May 7, 2010

Other Ways BP Plans to Make Up for the Gulf Oil Spill

You just know the make-up sex is going to be really, really good.

Apr 30, 2010

Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors

Maybe they'd be good enough for those jerks over at Hagen-Dazs.

Apr 23, 2010

Additional Problems Caused by Having Too Much Sodium in Your Diet

As it you didn't already have your hands full dealing with the side effects from your Savella.

Apr 16, 2010

Things That John Paul Stevens Will Miss About Being a Supreme Court Justice

Sure, there's the job security, the power, the prestige... but what about the really important stuff?

Apr 9, 2010

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Doctor Say

You're gonna want to start stocking up on apples.

Apr 2, 2010

Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope

Celebrating nearly 20 years of making the Kansas City Royals and their fans feel better about themselves.

Mar 26, 2010

Additional Gaffes Made by Joe Biden

He who gaffes last, gaffes best.

Mar 24, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2009

From March Madness to unwanted Barbie dolls to Christian Bale's profane tirade (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Mar 19, 2010

Moral Imperatives That Didn't Make the Cut for the Ten Commandments

And you thought it was hard enough just trying to live up to the existing ones.

Mar 12, 2010

Lesser-Known St. Patrick's Day Traditions

You might find them preferable to screaming "Erin Go Bragh!" for five hours with a shirtless guy named Sully.

Mar 5, 2010

Other Ways the U.S. Postal Service Plans to Cut Costs

Looks like we gave up a little too quickly on that whole Pony Express idea, huh?

Feb 26, 2010

New Slogans for ESPN

Honestly, they were just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to that girl's pants!

Feb 19, 2010

Rejected Winter Olympics Events

Not surprising coming from the people that shot down Skijring back in 1928.

Feb 12, 2010

Other Things Sarah Palin Has Written on Her Hand

Still, a note on her hand beats two on George Bush.

Feb 5, 2010

Other Problems Found in Toyota Vehicles

Did we learn nothing from the classic 1986 Michael Keaton comedy Gung Ho?

Jan 29, 2010

Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs

There is definitely such a thing as too much of a good thing.

Jan 22, 2010

Mistakes Made by Martha Coakley in the Massachusetts Senate Campaign

You can't spell "Democratic Party" without "tired crap."

Jan 15, 2010

Other Rejected Solutions to NBC's Late Night Problem

Which was caused by the solution to their prime time problem, which was caused by the original solution to their late night problem. Proud as a Peacock, indeed!

Jan 13, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: December 2008-January 2009

From Rod Blagojevich to unpopular holiday stories to the auto bailout (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Jan 8, 2010

Memorable Moments from 2009 That May Not Have Actually Happened

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make a bunch of shit up.

Dec 25, 2009

Least Popular Christmas Carols

Good luck going a-wassailing with these.

Dec 18, 2009

Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie

Who knew that a film set 150 years in the future on a fictional planet located several light years away from Earth would have surprises?

Dec 11, 2009

Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water

Waterworld was right: we're just a couple years away from needing to filter and drink our own urine here, people.

Dec 4, 2009

Additional Accusations Being Made Against Tiger Woods

Looks like somebody's sliced one deep into the rough.

Nov 27, 2009

Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report

Santa's not the only one that knows who's been naughty.

Nov 20, 2009

Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir

Looks like someone's "going rogue" on herself.

Nov 18, 2009

Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2008

From the presidential election to the explosion of the iPhone to the futility of the Detroit Lions (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.

Nov 13, 2009

Hulk Hogan Complaints About Returning to Wrestling at Age 56

Remember kids: say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and for the love of all that is holy, will you please turn down that music?!?

Nov 6, 2009

Ways That Nicolas Cage Wasted Hundreds of Millions of Dollars

Oh, like you've never spent outrageous sums of money to buy multiple European castles.

Oct 30, 2009

Least Popular Halloween Costumes for 2009

I mean, come on, if you're not going to dress up as the late Ray Walston, what's the point?

Oct 23, 2009

Balloon Boy Family Excuses

Hey, since when is deliberately misleading and using the media for your own gain considered to be anything other than a fine American tradition?

Oct 16, 2009

Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve

Won't somebody please think of the children!

Oct 9, 2009

Titles For a Fourth Jason Bourne Movie That Will Keep the Franchise in Alphabetical Order

Because nobody wants to be like those philistines who run the Batman movies.

Oct 2, 2009

Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving

Probably because they're trying to come up with clever little blurbs for the snarky joke lists on their podunk website.

Sep 25, 2009

Additional Ernie Anastos Catchphrases

May we all keep fucking that chicken.

Sep 18, 2009

Other Interjections Kanye West Can No Longer Keep to Himself

Free your mind, and your mouth will follow.

Sep 11, 2009

Surprises Planned for the New Season of Survivor

Besides the surprise that there's yet another season of Survivor.

Sep 4, 2009

Other Things the Airlines Will Soon Be Charging You For

Because they love to fly, and it shows.

Aug 28, 2009

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

And just when you were starting to get over your SARS mania.

Aug 21, 2009

Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement

You know, besides the prestige that comes with joining an organization that has lost four Super Bowls.

Aug 14, 2009

Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life

Unlike that leech on society, the Ford Escape. Get a job, you hippie!

Aug 7, 2009

Real Reasons Paula Abdul Left American Idol

She needs a reason?

Jul 31, 2009

Other Ideas Considered to Resolve the Gates-Crowley Dispute

After all, it's not like the White House has better ways to be spending its time and resources.

Jul 24, 2009

Recent Additions to the Congressional Health Care Bills

Your tax dollars hard at work!

Jul 17, 2009

Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles

Sometimes the road to success includes a few wrong turns.

Jul 10, 2009

Ways That Al Franken Can Make Up For Lost Time

Preferably without resorting to using a DeLorean modified by an eccentric scientist to travel back to a period several years before he was born.

Jul 3, 2009

New Slogans for Mississippi, the Fattest State in the U.S.

Or: How Mississippi Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cankle.

Jun 26, 2009

Other Proposed Changes to the 2010 Oscars

That is, besides just making it longer and more self-congratulatory.

Jun 19, 2009

Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For

Up to, but not yet including, this list.

Jun 12, 2009

Rejected Jeopardy! Categories

Yet somehow "Potent Potables" still gets a free pass.

Jun 5, 2009

Less Prestigious 300 Clubs

Sometimes membership does not have its privileges.

May 29, 2009

Additional Details About Dos Equis's Most Interesting Man in the World

He's far more fascinating than Heineken's Most Drunkenly Incapacitated Dude in a Wendy's.

May 22, 2009

Least Popular Home Repair Books

Sometimes doing it yourself is best left to other people.

May 15, 2009

Additional Cheerios Claims That Were Shot Down By the FDA

Hey, you can't blame a multi-billion-dollar corporation for trying.

May 8, 2009

Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie

Because if there's one thing rabid fan bases love, it's unexpected changes to their beloved franchise.

May 1, 2009

Less Publicized Accomplishments From Obama's First 100 Days in Office

If an accomplishment happens in the forest and no one is around to witness it, does Obama still get credit for it?

Apr 24, 2009

Other Controversial, Inappropriate, or Otherwise Odd Remarks Made By Miss USA Pageant Contestants

America's sweethearts say the darndest things.

Apr 17, 2009

Pros and Cons of Being a Somali Pirate

Apparently there's more to it than just pointing at things off the starboard bow and yelling "Avast, ye scurvy dogs!"

Apr 10, 2009

Other Celebrities Who Will Be Joining the Obama Administration

It's not exactly a collection of the best and the brightest.

Apr 3, 2009

Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes

It's a fine line between cranky old humorist and becoming a real-life version of Grandpa Simpson.

Mar 27, 2009

New NBC Slogans

Is "meh" a slogan, or more of a corporate statement of purpose?

Mar 20, 2009

Signs That You May Be Suffering From March Madness

Self-diagnosis in 25 easy steps. Remember, doctors say early detection is the key.

Mar 13, 2009

Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009

Levels of sexual innuendo not seen since the heyday of Minnesota Twins outfielder Randy Bush.

Mar 6, 2009

Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll

Let's just say that mistakes were made.

Feb 27, 2009

Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package

Clearly not all provisions are created equal.

Feb 20, 2009

Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars

Because we'd like to free up time for more awkward, stilted banter between presenters.

Feb 13, 2009

Additional Past Transgressions Alex Rodriguez Admitted to This Week

The truths finally come out.

Feb 6, 2009

Other Things That Will Set Off a Profanity-Laced Tirade From Christian Bale

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Jan 30, 2009

Other Revelations in Joe Torre's Upcoming Book The Yankee Years

Which is not to be confused with the best-selling male adolescent sex guide, The Yanking Years.

Jan 23, 2009

Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug

Consult your doctor or pharmacist to learn whether these jokes may be right for you.

Jan 16, 2009

Surprises Planned for the Obama Inauguration

It can't just be all swearing-in and speeches. It can't!

Jan 9, 2009

Better Ways to Pick a College Football Champion

Anything's better than the system they have now. Am I right, ladies?

Jan 2, 2009

Better Uses for NBC's 10pm Time Slot Than Giving It to Jay Leno

Is it possible to burn a time slot? Or feed it to wolves?

Dec 26, 2008

Memorable Moments from 2008 That May Not Have Actually Happened

Hindsight isn't always 20/20.

Dec 19, 2008

Least Popular Holiday Tales

Hey, they can't all be "Frosty the Snowman" or "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

Dec 12, 2008

Additional Demands Made by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

Because demanding too little in an extortion conspiracy is the kind of thing that could really haunt a guy.

Dec 10, 2008

Dot-Com Startups That Never Hit It Big

It was probably for the best that they didn't. (Enjoy a special non-Friday bonus BvF!)

Dec 5, 2008

Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion

What, you thought they were actually going to use it to restructure their business models and make better cars?

Nov 28, 2008

Other Missteps That Will Result in a Lifetime Ban for "Pacman" Jones

Just in case his lawyer hasn't done a very good job of reading the fine print.

Nov 21, 2008

Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive

For those of you thinking of applying for the position in the future.

Nov 14, 2008

New Slogans for the Detroit Lions

Because making the team better doesn't really seem to be an option.

Nov 7, 2008

Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened

Though it would have been more entertaining if they had.

Oct 31, 2008

Least Popular Halloween Treats for 2008

For those who'd like to avoid having their house egged and TP'd.

Oct 24, 2008

Other Promotions Being Offered During the 2008 World Series

Because there's nothing Americans love more than earning free stuff without having to do anything for it.

Oct 17, 2008

New Things the iPhone Will Soon Be Able to Do

The smartest smart phone is about to get a whole lot smarter.

Oct 10, 2008

Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign

Just in case you missed the delicate subtleties of all the name-calling and guilt by association.

Baron von Contributors:

Brandon Kruse (Editor-in-Chief) once saw a woman in Pasadena, CA, who was eating corn on the cob, two-handed, while driving. He suspects she may hold the key to understanding the meaning of life.

Tenessa Gemelke has eaten squirrel, has competed in a pageant, and has spoken in tongues.

Once a respected pharmacist, Sean Hecht now resides in a quiet room with plain walls and no sharp objects. If he takes all his meds and hasn't messed himself that week, he is allowed to contribute to PoopReading.com.

Brad Kruse was recently named "Mercenary of the Year" by Soldier of Fortune magazine, fulfilling a lifelong dream.

Known to many as the Garry Shandling of Hat Making, Matt Kruse, now retired, spends his time as lead cashier of Mufreesboro, TN's first fully-enclosed Centaur gift and hobby shop: "Rick's Man-Horse Emporium."

Dan Lee likes to fancy himself kind of a modern day, shorter-haired, less-talented, non-bedwetting, smaller-eared, alive version of Michael Landon.

Joe Mulder starred in such classic films as The Hustler, Cool Hand Luke, and The Sting. He was also an accomplished race car driver, and raised millions for charity with his popular salad dressings. He passed away in September 2008.

In 1999, four Sri Lankan teenagers with a penchant for nonsense humor and an inexplicable grudge against TV's Michael Gross devised a computer program to spew random sentences onto the internet. They named it Jameson Simmons.

Mike Wagner hopes to be the first man to walk on the moon.

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