Additional Courses to Be Offered at Glenn Beck University
Before applying, just make sure you have a safety school, like O'Reilly Tech, Hannity College, or Dartmouth.
Sep 3, 2010
Aug 27, 2010
Surprising Stipulations Found in the Tiger Woods Divorce Settlement
Luckily, there's enough green jackets for everyone in the family.
Aug 20, 2010
Other Construction Projects Deemed Too Inappropriate to Be Allowed Within Five Blocks of Ground Zero
If you build it, they will scrum.
Aug 13, 2010
Ways JetBlue Plans to Improve Employee Morale
If you're JetBlue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where you can earn plaudits: puttin' on the PR blitz.
Aug 6, 2010
Reasons Brett Favre is Being So Indecisive
You can't spell "Favre indecision" without "divine fiasco." (You also can't spell it without "fine vino sidecar," but that's just silly.)
Jul 30, 2010
Other Things Obama Fears Will Be WikiLeaked
Loose lips, now at your fingertips!
Jul 28, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: June-July 2009
From Sarah Palin to rejected Jeopardy! categories to the Congressional health care bill (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Jul 24, 2010
Reasons Mel Gibson Is So Angry
Oh like you've never been caught delivering a series of screaming, profanity-laced tirades on the phone to the Russian singer-songwriter who bore your child.
Jul 16, 2010
American Secrets Discovered by the Russian Spies
No, even they don't understand why Two and a Half Men is so popular.
Jul 9, 2010
Signs That Parents Are Getting Fed Up With Parenting
Stupid perpetuation of the species!
Jul 2, 2010
Reasons the Founding Fathers Hate Our Stupid Guts
And this after we've spent all these years celebrating their accomplishments by eating hot dogs and blowing stuff up.
Jun 25, 2010
New Slogans for BP
Because if there's one thing slicker than oil, it's good spin doctoring.
Jun 18, 2010
Other Uses for the Vuvuzela
Why should soccer fans be the only ones to enjoy teeth-grinding aggravation and temporary hearing loss?
Jun 11, 2010
Real Reasons the ESPN Zone Restaurant Chain Failed
They flew too close to the sun on wings of buffalo.
Jun 4, 2010
Surprises Found in Mark Twain's Forthcoming Autobiography
Why couldn't Miley Cyrus have waited 100 years to publish her autobiography?
May 28, 2010
Ways to Fill the Void During the Summer TV Hiatus
Which is not to be confused with Ways to Kill the Noid Using a Plumber's PVC Apparatus.
May 21, 2010
Surprises Found in the Final Episode of Lost
Come on, why would they give us anything other than more of the lucid, straightforward, plain-spoken storytelling we've come to enjoy over the years?
May 19, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: April-May 2009
From Somali pirates to the new Star Trek movie to Obama's first 100 days in office (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
May 14, 2010
Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame
Celebrating 62 years of ancillary carbon monoxide poisoning!
May 7, 2010
Other Ways BP Plans to Make Up for the Gulf Oil Spill
You just know the make-up sex is going to be really, really good.
Apr 30, 2010
Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors
Maybe they'd be good enough for those jerks over at Häagen-Dazs.
Apr 23, 2010
Additional Problems Caused by Having Too Much Sodium in Your Diet
As it you didn't already have your hands full dealing with the side effects from your Savella.
Apr 16, 2010
Things That John Paul Stevens Will Miss About Being a Supreme Court Justice
Sure, there's the job security, the power, the prestige... but what about the really important stuff?
Apr 9, 2010
Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Doctor Say
You're gonna want to start stocking up on apples.
Apr 2, 2010
Signs That the Pittsburgh Pirates and Their Fans Have Given Up Hope
Celebrating nearly 20 years of making the Kansas City Royals and their fans feel better about themselves.
Mar 26, 2010
Additional Gaffes Made by Joe Biden
He who gaffes last, gaffes best.
Mar 24, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: February-March 2009
From March Madness to unwanted Barbie dolls to Christian Bale's profane tirade (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Mar 19, 2010
Moral Imperatives That Didn't Make the Cut for the Ten Commandments
And you thought it was hard enough just trying to live up to the existing ones.
Mar 12, 2010
Lesser-Known St. Patrick's Day Traditions
You might find them preferable to screaming "Erin Go Bragh!" for five hours with a shirtless guy named Sully.
Mar 5, 2010
Other Ways the U.S. Postal Service Plans to Cut Costs
Looks like we gave up a little too quickly on that whole Pony Express idea, huh?
Feb 26, 2010
New Slogans for ESPN
Honestly, they were just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to that girl's pants!
Feb 19, 2010
Rejected Winter Olympics Events
Not surprising coming from the people that shot down Skijöring back in 1928.
Feb 12, 2010
Other Things Sarah Palin Has Written on Her Hand
Still, a note on her hand beats two on George Bush.
Feb 5, 2010
Other Problems Found in Toyota Vehicles
Did we learn nothing from the classic 1986 Michael Keaton comedy Gung Ho?
Jan 29, 2010
Signs That You're a Little Too Obsessed with Apple and Steve Jobs
There is definitely such a thing as too much of a good thing.
Jan 22, 2010
Mistakes Made by Martha Coakley in the Massachusetts Senate Campaign
You can't spell "Democratic Party" without "tired crap."
Jan 15, 2010
Other Rejected Solutions to NBC's Late Night Problem
Which was caused by the solution to their prime time problem, which was caused by the original solution to their late night problem. Proud as a Peacock, indeed!
Jan 13, 2010
Best of Baron von Funny: December 2008-January 2009
From Rod Blagojevich to unpopular holiday stories to the auto bailout (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Jan 8, 2010
Memorable Moments from 2009 That May Not Have Actually Happened
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make a bunch of shit up.
Dec 25, 2009
Least Popular Christmas Carols
Good luck going a-wassailing with these.
Dec 18, 2009
Surprises Found in the New Avatar Movie
Who knew that a film set 150 years in the future on a fictional planet located several light years away from Earth would have surprises?
Dec 11, 2009
Things That Might Be in Your Drinking Water
Waterworld was right: we're just a couple years away from needing to filter and drink our own urine here, people.
Dec 4, 2009
Additional Accusations Being Made Against Tiger Woods
Looks like somebody's sliced one deep into the rough.
Nov 27, 2009
Other Toys Listed on the "Trouble in Toyland" Report
Santa's not the only one that knows who's been naughty.
Nov 20, 2009
Surprises Found in the New Sarah Palin Memoir
Looks like someone's "going rogue" on herself.
Nov 18, 2009
Best of Baron von Funny: October-November 2008
From the presidential election to the explosion of the iPhone to the futility of the Detroit Lions (and more!), enjoy some of our favorite jokes from one year ago.
Nov 13, 2009
Hulk Hogan Complaints About Returning to Wrestling at Age 56
Remember kids: say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and for the love of all that is holy, will you please turn down that music?!?
Nov 6, 2009
Ways That Nicolas Cage Wasted Hundreds of Millions of Dollars
Oh, like you've never spent outrageous sums of money to buy multiple European castles.
Oct 30, 2009
Least Popular Halloween Costumes for 2009
I mean, come on, if you're not going to dress up as the late Ray Walston, what's the point?
Oct 23, 2009
Balloon Boy Family Excuses
Hey, since when is deliberately misleading and using the media for your own gain considered to be anything other than a fine American tradition?
Oct 16, 2009
Reasons Why the Math Scores of U.S. Schoolchildren Are Failing to Improve
Won't somebody please think of the children!
Oct 9, 2009
Titles For a Fourth Jason Bourne Movie That Will Keep the Franchise in Alphabetical Order
Because nobody wants to be like those philistines who run the Batman movies.
Oct 2, 2009
Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving
Probably because they're trying to come up with clever little blurbs for the snarky joke lists on their podunk website.
Sep 25, 2009
Additional Ernie Anastos Catchphrases
May we all keep fucking that chicken.
Sep 18, 2009
Other Interjections Kanye West Can No Longer Keep to Himself
Free your mind, and your mouth will follow.
Sep 11, 2009
Surprises Planned for the New Season of Survivor
Besides the surprise that there's yet another season of Survivor.
Sep 4, 2009
Other Things the Airlines Will Soon Be Charging You For
Because they love to fly, and it shows.
Aug 28, 2009
Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu
And just when you were starting to get over your SARS mania.
Aug 21, 2009
Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement
You know, besides the prestige that comes with joining an organization that has lost four Super Bowls.
Aug 14, 2009
Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life
Unlike that leech on society, the Ford Escape. Get a job, you hippie!
Aug 7, 2009
Real Reasons Paula Abdul Left American Idol
She needs a reason?
Jul 31, 2009
Other Ideas Considered to Resolve the Gates-Crowley Dispute
After all, it's not like the White House has better ways to be spending its time and resources.
Jul 24, 2009
Recent Additions to the Congressional Health Care Bills
Your tax dollars hard at work!
Jul 17, 2009
Rejected Harry Potter Book Titles
Sometimes the road to success includes a few wrong turns.
Jul 10, 2009
Ways That Al Franken Can Make Up For Lost Time
Preferably without resorting to using a DeLorean modified by an eccentric scientist to travel back to a period several years before he was born.
Jul 3, 2009
New Slogans for Mississippi, the Fattest State in the U.S.
Or: How Mississippi Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cankle.
Jun 26, 2009
Other Proposed Changes to the 2010 Oscars
That is, besides just making it longer and more self-congratulatory.
Jun 19, 2009
Other Things Sarah Palin Is Now Demanding an Apology For
Up to, but not yet including, this list.
Jun 12, 2009
Rejected Jeopardy! Categories
Yet somehow "Potent Potables" still gets a free pass.
Jun 5, 2009
Less Prestigious 300 Clubs
Sometimes membership does not have its privileges.
May 29, 2009
Additional Details About Dos Equis's Most Interesting Man in the World
He's far more fascinating than Heineken's Most Drunkenly Incapacitated Dude in a Wendy's.
May 22, 2009
Least Popular Home Repair Books
Sometimes doing it yourself is best left to other people.
May 15, 2009
Additional Cheerios Claims That Were Shot Down By the FDA
Hey, you can't blame a multi-billion-dollar corporation for trying.
May 8, 2009
Surprises Found in the New Star Trek Movie
Because if there's one thing rabid fan bases love, it's unexpected changes to their beloved franchise.
May 1, 2009
Less Publicized Accomplishments From Obama's First 100 Days in Office
If an accomplishment happens in the forest and no one is around to witness it, does Obama still get credit for it?
Apr 24, 2009
Other Controversial, Inappropriate, or Otherwise Odd Remarks Made By Miss USA Pageant Contestants
America's sweethearts say the darndest things.
Apr 17, 2009
Pros and Cons of Being a Somali Pirate
Apparently there's more to it than just pointing at things off the starboard bow and yelling "Avast, ye scurvy dogs!"
Apr 10, 2009
Other Celebrities Who Will Be Joining the Obama Administration
It's not exactly a collection of the best and the brightest.
Apr 3, 2009
Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes
It's a fine line between cranky old humorist and becoming a real-life version of Grandpa Simpson.
Mar 27, 2009
New NBC Slogans
Is "meh" a slogan, or more of a corporate statement of purpose?
Mar 20, 2009
Signs That You May Be Suffering From March Madness
Self-diagnosis in 25 easy steps. Remember, doctors say early detection is the key.
Mar 13, 2009
Chien-Ming Wang Headlines That Less Mature Sports Editors Could Try to Run During Spring Training 2009
Levels of sexual innuendo not seen since the heyday of Minnesota Twins outfielder Randy Bush.
Mar 6, 2009
Least Popular Versions of the Barbie Doll
Let's just say that mistakes were made.
Feb 27, 2009
Lesser-Known Provisions in the New Economic Stimulus Package
Clearly not all provisions are created equal.
Feb 20, 2009
Better Ways to End Long Speeches at the Oscars
Because we'd like to free up time for more awkward, stilted banter between presenters.
Feb 13, 2009
Additional Past Transgressions Alex Rodriguez Admitted to This Week
The truths finally come out.
Feb 6, 2009
Other Things That Will Set Off a Profanity-Laced Tirade From Christian Bale
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Jan 30, 2009
Other Revelations in Joe Torre's Upcoming Book The Yankee Years
Which is not to be confused with the best-selling male adolescent sex guide, The Yanking Years.
Jan 23, 2009
Possible Side Effects of Savella, the Newly-Approved Fibromyalgia Drug
Consult your doctor or pharmacist to learn whether these jokes may be right for you.
Jan 16, 2009
Surprises Planned for the Obama Inauguration
It can't just be all swearing-in and speeches. It can't!
Jan 9, 2009
Better Ways to Pick a College Football Champion
Anything's better than the system they have now. Am I right, ladies?
Jan 2, 2009
Better Uses for NBC's 10pm Time Slot Than Giving It to Jay Leno
Is it possible to burn a time slot? Or feed it to wolves?
Dec 26, 2008
Memorable Moments from 2008 That May Not Have Actually Happened
Hindsight isn't always 20/20.
Dec 19, 2008
Least Popular Holiday Tales
Hey, they can't all be "Frosty the Snowman" or "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
Dec 12, 2008
Additional Demands Made by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich
Because demanding too little in an extortion conspiracy is the kind of thing that could really haunt a guy.
Dec 10, 2008
Dot-Com Startups That Never Hit It Big
It was probably for the best that they didn't. (Enjoy a special non-Friday bonus BvF!)
Dec 5, 2008
Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion
What, you thought they were actually going to use it to restructure their business models and make better cars?
Nov 28, 2008
Other Missteps That Will Result in a Lifetime Ban for "Pacman" Jones
Just in case his lawyer hasn't done a very good job of reading the fine print.
Nov 21, 2008
Pros and Cons of Being the Sexiest Man Alive
For those of you thinking of applying for the position in the future.
Nov 14, 2008
New Slogans for the Detroit Lions
Because making the team better doesn't really seem to be an option.
Nov 7, 2008
Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened
Though it would have been more entertaining if they had.
Oct 31, 2008
Least Popular Halloween Treats for 2008
For those who'd like to avoid having their house egged and TP'd.
Oct 24, 2008
Other Promotions Being Offered During the 2008 World Series
Because there's nothing Americans love more than earning free stuff without having to do anything for it.
Oct 17, 2008
New Things the iPhone Will Soon Be Able to Do
The smartest smart phone is about to get a whole lot smarter.
Oct 10, 2008
Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign
Just in case you missed the delicate subtleties of all the name-calling and guilt by association.
Baron von Contributors:
Brandon Kruse (Editor-in-Chief) once saw a woman in Pasadena, CA, who was eating corn on the cob, two-handed, while driving. He suspects she may hold the key to understanding the meaning of life.
Tenessa Gemelke has eaten squirrel, has competed in a pageant, and has spoken in tongues.
Once a respected pharmacist, Sean Hecht now resides in a quiet room with plain walls and no sharp objects. If he takes all his meds and hasn't messed himself that week, he is allowed to contribute to PoopReading.com.
Brad Kruse was recently named "Mercenary of the Year" by Soldier of Fortune magazine, fulfilling a lifelong dream.
Known to many as the Garry Shandling of Hat Making, Matt Kruse, now retired, spends his time as lead cashier of Mufreesboro, TN's first fully-enclosed Centaur gift and hobby shop: "Rick's Man-Horse Emporium."
Joe Mulder starred in such classic films as The Hustler, Cool Hand Luke, and The Sting. He was also an accomplished race car driver, and raised millions for charity with his popular salad dressings. He passed away in September 2008.
Jameson Simmons adamantly refuses to update his contributor blurb, even though it has been over a year. (He insists the update above "doesn't count.")
Mike Wagner hopes to be the first man to walk on the moon.
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