Jan 28, 2011

The nominations for the 83rd Academy Awards were announced this week, including ten picks for Best Picture. But that still leaves hundreds of films that didn't make the cut...

Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for Best Picture

—You made a really gripping, socially relevant, generation-defining film... about the founding of Friendster. (Jameson)

—No British people. Did you honestly think you were going to get nominated for Best Picture without British people? (Joe)

—Miscalculated the porn to mental illness ratio. (Mike)

—It features a sex scene between Benicio del Toro and a desk. (Brandon)

—You hired the wrong Bridges, dammit! (Matt)

—Despite your protestations, "Jessica Alba's boobs" were not eligible for Best Supporting Actress. (Tenessa)

—You forgot to take the filter out of the camera, so every single scene has that "looking through binoculars" effect over it. (Jameson)

—Your movie has Robert De Niro in it, and it's currently after 1995. (Joe)

—Too much fartsy, not enough artsy. (Matt)

—The words "From the mind of Michael Bay" appear in the trailer. (Mike)

—Who names their movie Swimmin' Doggy Superhero, Hurray!, for chrissakes?? (Brandon)

—The Academy just isn't ready for Danny McBride as a romantic lead yet. (Jameson)

—Because one time eleven years ago, Harvey Weinstein thought you looked at him funny. (Joe)

—Perhaps a full frontal nude scene featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't the best use of 3-D technology. (Matt)

—It's a shot-for-shot remake of All About Steve starring a bunch of chimpanzees. Sure, it's better than the original, but it still isn't Oscar-worthy. (Mike)

—It was Sex & the City 2. (Tenessa)

—The film's "classical" soundtrack was just a Def Leppard mix tape. (Matt)

—It has funny, wise-ass Will Smith in it, instead of humble, heroic Will Smith. (Jameson)

—It was one of the funniest and best-plotted comedies of the last few decades, it made tons of money, it was very well-reviewed, and it contained a star-making performance by Zach Galifianakis and some hilarious scenes with a tiger. (Joe)

—Your version of Winter's Bone had less winter and more bone. (Matt)

—The constant Go-Gurt product placements really undercut the authenticity of your Depression-era period piece. (Brandon)

—The plot does not easily lend itself to a sanctimonious acceptance speech about how, deep down, we're all the same. (Mike)

—Apparently "starring, written, directed, financed, and edited by Gary Busey" just doesn't hold the Hollywood caché it used to. (Jameson)

—The most common remark overheard after viewing your film was "Well, I guess I can no longer say that I've never seen nostril sex before." (Matt)

—No holocaust stuff. Duh. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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