Jan 16, 2009

On Tuesday, January 20th, President-elect Barack Obama will be officially sworn in as our 44th President, in a ceremony held on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol building. It will be the most expensive inauguration in U.S. history, and rumor has it the Obama team will be pulling out all the stops to make it memorable...

Surprises Planned for the Obama Inauguration

—Announcement that Obama will be selling the naming rights to pieces of legislation. First up? The Trojan Stimulus Package. (Mike)

—Collection plates for the immediate and arbitrary redistribution of wealth. (Jameson)

—Inaugural "poem" will actually be curse-filled monologue from Glengarry Glen Ross. (Brandon)

—After administering the oath of office to Obama, "Chief Justice John Roberts" will peel off his wig and reveal that he is none other than Howie Mandel. (Watch Howie Do It, Fridays at 8pm Eastern/7pm Central on NBC!) (Joe)

—To demonstrate how "green" the Obama administration will be, the platform and podium for the ceremony will be constructed entirely from Al Gore's feces. (Brad)

—First 15,000 attendees foot the bill for the second $350 billion of the bailout. (Matt)

—At some point during Obama's inaugural address, Oprah Winfrey will personally lean on everyone in attendance. (Sean)

—To help the sagging economy, the U.S. will sell Maine to Canada. (Mike)

—Remaining Guantanamo detainees each given an opportunity to waterboard Dick Cheney. (Matt)

—A partial-birth abortion tent for pregnant teens and other harlots. (Jameson)

—Joe Biden? Shirtless all day. (Joe)

—The West Front lawn of the Capitol building will be resodded with $100 bills from Obama's leftover campaign funds. (Sean)

—Fresh from creating controversy at the Golden Globes, The Wrestler director Darren Aronofsky will be on hand to deliver an on-camera middle finger during Obama's inaugural address. (Brandon)

—Obama to take on Joey "Jaws" Chestnut in porkbelly eating contest. (Matt)

—Invocation will be delivered by Rerun from What's Happening!! (Joe)

—Gilded throne where top campaign donors can get a photo-op on Obama's lap. (Jameson)

—Ritual sacrifice of all non-believers in the New Reformation Church of Obama. (Matt)

—Joe Biden's mom is making her famous peach cobbler, just like she served to the boys who came home from the Civil War. (Sean)

—Announcement that $1 million of the proposed stimulus package will be earmarked for "getting the Bush stink out of the White House." (Brad)

—Inaugural address filled with spoilers from the upcoming fifth season of Lost. (Mike)

—21-gun salute from the newly-formed U.S. Army Same Sex Honor Guard. (Jameson)

—David Axelrod to play recording of an extended, particularly wet fart over the sound system just as Obama starts to take the Presidential Oath of Office. (Matt)

—The question of what kind of puppy Sasha and Malia Obama get will be settled on the White House lawn, "Michael Vick style." (Joe)

—Head of security for the event? Paul Blart, Mall Cop. (Brandon)

—Obama to reveal that he is actually a white man named Barry Conrad, and that everything dating back to the inauguration of George W. Bush has all been part of a massive psychological study by the makers of Lexapro. (Sean)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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