Aug 7, 2015

hitchBOT, a hitchhiking robot with GPS and the ability to carry on basic conversation, was destroyed this week. Though the Canadian-designed robot had made successful trips through Canada and Germany, it only lasted two weeks into its planned journey across the United States from Boston to San Francisco, and was found beheaded with its arms torn off in Philadelphia. Clearly, the robot made enemies, and the theories behind its death are growing rapidly...

Reasons hitchBOT Was Killed

—Wouldn't stop talking about his screenplay idea. (Jameson)

—A police officer mistook him for a black person. (Tenessa)

—Only joke he was programmed to tell was "In Soviet Russia, robot hitchhike YOU!" (Dan)

—Copycat killing patterned after July's hippieBOT murder. (Brandon)

—Was erroneously thought to be part of a sequel to the terrible 2005 Will Smith movie Hitch. (Joe)

—The hot dog strategically placed on his crotch with a Mets sticker on it and the message "Eat me, Philly!" might have had something to do with it. (Matt)

—Apple ordered a hit on him. (Dan)

—Kept trying to jack it in the passenger seat. (Brandon)

—If you don't quash the robot uprising early, while they still have pool noodles for arms, you're only going to have to face it later, when they're packing lasers and chainsaws. (Jameson)

Law & Order: SVU producers needed something new to rip from the headlines. (Tenessa)

—Kept uploading video that was oriented vertically instead of horizontally. As such, beheading and dismemberment was far, far too good for hitchBOT. (Joe)

—hitchBOT? More like bitchBOT! (Dan)

—Murdered by his jealous lover, IBM supercomputer Watson. (Brandon)

—Wouldn't stop asking, "How much longer until we stop and get grape Fanta?" (Tenessa)

—He sneezed with his eyes open, and he died. JUST LIKE I'VE WARNED YOU ABOUT! (Dan)

—hitchBOT's voice was provided by Gilbert Gottfried. (Brandon)

—Sure, hitchBOT can carry on basic conversation, but if someone in my car doesn't address me as "Sir", I rip his fucking arms off. (Jameson)

—Kept running his damn robot mouth about Nestle's proprietary rice crunchification technology. (Brandon)

—The designers weren't prepared for the sheer number of hand jobs and blowies hitchBOT would be asked to give, and so his head and arms eventually fell off. (Dan)

—To atone for the sins of all robotkind. (Joe)

—Robot snitches get robot stitches. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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