Nov 2, 2012

This week, the Walt Disney Company announced that they had purchased Lucasfilm Ltd., the production company founded by George Lucas that owns the rights to the Star Wars movie franchise. As a result, Disney has stated that they plan to release a seventh Star Wars film in 2015, with two more sequels expected to follow. And it's a pretty good bet that Disney will be putting their own stamp on this new trilogy...

Changes That Will Be Made to the Star Wars Franchise Under Disney

—Black spots on stormtroopers + Darth Vader with a fur coat = futuristic new version of 101 Dalmatians. (Brandon)

—Yoda to do weekly appearances on SportsCenter making NFL picks as "Yodstradamus". (Matt)

—Goodbye, John Williams. Hello, Randy Newman. (Dan)

—Billy Ray Cyrus is now Luke Skywalker's father. (Mike)

—Now, before engaging in a fatal shootout with Han Solo, Greedo will sing an uplifting ballad cataloging his hopes, dreams, and desire to escape the drudgery of a life of bounty hunting. (Joe)

—Crossover movie where Jar Jar Binks and Mater from Cars become best friends, which will almost certainly lead to a spike in murder-suicides. (Matt)

—Get ready for Darth Zurg! (Dan)

—Padawans to be renamed Padawans of the Caribbean. (Mike)

—Chewbacca won't walk around shirtless anymore but will, in the tradition of Donald Duck, continue to eschew pants. (Joe)

—New cantina scene in upcoming movie will take place in an ESPNZone in hopes of reviving the troubled theme restaurant. (Brandon)

—Admiral Ackbar's famous line during the pivotal battle scene in Return of the Jedi will be overdubbed to "It's a Parent Trap! Starring Lindsay Lohan! Now available on Blu-Ray!" (Mike)

—Every Disney princess will make a cameo appearance sporting a gold bikini. You're welcome, dads. (Joe)

—Princess Lea will finally get her own princess movie where she tries to win the heart of that stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf-herder Han Solo. (Matt)

—Spin-off series The Secret Life of the Tatooine Teenager. (Mike)

—All blatantly racist Star Wars characters to be quietly swept under the rug, Song of the South-style. (Joe)

—Jabba the Hut to be renamed Eisner the Hutt. (Mike)

—At the end of Return of the Jedi, after defeating the Empire, Luke Skywalker will be asked what he's going to do next and he'll reply, "I'm going to Disney World!" (Brandon)

—"May the Force Be With You" to be replaced with "That's So Raven!" (Mike)

—People will actually start looking forward to future Star Wars films. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Mike Wagner

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