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Baron von Funny

Sports

Feb 2, 2018

Super Bowl 52, featuring the Philadelphia Eagles vs. the New England Patriots, will be played this Sunday, and watched by more than 100 million viewers on TV. Many fans will be betting on the outcome, though for some, the gambling is not limited to the final score...

Other Super Bowl-Related Things People Will Bet on This Weekend Besides the Score

—How many illegal substances it has taken to make Tom Brady still play this way at age 40 (Joe M.)

—Number of condescending Facebook friends who will pretend like they didn't even know the Super Bowl was happening. (Joe W.)

—The over/under on how many Patriots and Eagles fans get their dicks stuck pretending to have sex with the frozen Mary Tyler Moore statue. (Matt)

—Ratio of batteries Philly fans throw at Gronk to batteries eaten by Gronk. (Mike)

—Whether LeGarrette Blount has been long-conning the Eagles, helping them get to the Super Bowl only to throw the game and help his beloved Patriots win another title. (Brandon)

—How many ounces of artichoke dip Uncle Dave will eat after he proclaims “I really shouldn’t have any more of the artichoke dip." (Joe M.)

—The percentage of Eagles fans whose Vikings-fan Uber drivers drop them off in a corn field rather than U.S. Bank Stadium. (Matt)

—Whether NBC will blur Joey Fatone's inevitable nip slip during Justin Timberlake's halftime show. (Mike)

—Whether a drunken John Madden will burst into the broadcast booth claiming to see the disembodied head of Vince Lombardi hovering between the goalposts during a field goal attempt. (Long odds, sure, but who wouldn't enjoy that?!) (Brandon)

—The amount of semen Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth expel onto the telestrator when talking about Tom Brady. (Mike)

—Whether or not Super Bowl MVPs literally become immortal. (We are on Super Bowl 52[!] and there is a living Super Bowl MVP from EVERY SUPER BOWL WHY ISN’T THIS A BIGGER DEAL) (Joe M.)

—Whether, when President Trump calls the winning coach in the locker room, he will claim that he won the Super Bowl. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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