Mar 1, 2013

Barring last-minute action by Congress, on Friday, March 1st, $1.2 trillion in automatic spending cuts will go into effect over the next 10 years, with roughly $85 billion slated for this year. The cuts could affect Pentagon employees, airline travel, military benefits, and National Parks, and the consequences don't stop there...

Additional Ways Sequestration Will Cut Federal Spending

—Salt for icy roads will be replaced with less expensive pepper. (Dan)

—Public school lunches will be discontinued. Students encouraged to politely ask patrons of the nearest Subway if they're going to finish that. (Jameson)

—Medicaid to be replaced by MediCain, which is just actor Dean Cain pretending to be a doctor. (Brandon)

—If you plan on flushing your toilet again, it had better be on an odd-numbered day. So help you God, it had better be on an odd-numbered day. (Joe)

—In lieu of costly weapons, front line soldiers will now unrelentingly Harlem Shake at Al Qaeda fighters until they surrender. (Matt)

—Early childhood education will be replaced with high fructose corn syrup. (Tenessa)

—John Boehner will now simply be tan instead of his preferred, and more expensive, orange color. (Dan)

—The Congressional slush fund for hush money to mistresses and rent boys will be eliminated, with dozens of new reality shows sure to follow. (Jameson)

—You know how the Smithsonian does NOT smell like the combined odor of hundreds of ancient, putrefying artifacts of human existence? Well, not anymore it doesn't! (Brandon)

—Restaurants will now serve you Pepsi without even bothering to ask if it's "okay". (Joe)

—Rather than expensive gifts, foreign dignitaries visiting the White House will be presented with an autographed VHS copy of Dorf on Golf. (Matt)

—Instead of lighting their cigars with a $100 bill, lobbyists will light their cigars with two $50 bills. (Tenessa)

—The postal service will revert to horseback. No one will notice a difference in service. (Dan)

—Anybody who's currently up in space fucking stays up in space. (Joe)

—Tanks will be replaced with Ford Escorts found abandoned in the California desert. (Matt)

—To save money on printing, all government documents referring to sequestration will use the shortened term "sequestratio". (Jameson)

—For their in-session lunches, Supreme Court justices will be forced to change from Red Baron brand frozen supreme pizza to cheaper, inferior Tombstone brand frozen supreme pizza. (Brandon)

—That Sports Illustrated that's supposed to be in your mailbox on Wednesday, but that usually doesn't show up until Friday? Well enjoy reading it the following Tuesday, sucker! (Joe)

—The Congressional Cafeteria will now serve nothing but European horse meat. (Matt)

—Funding for the government's top secret anti-pterodactyl force will dry up completely. So, yeah. I hope you enjoy pterodactyls. (Joe)

—I was going to write a joke, but then I read taxthechurches.org just to get a ballpark figure, and now I'm mad. (Jameson)

—No more chocolate milk on Fridays. FOR ANYONE. (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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