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Sports

Dec 16, 2011

After a 1-4 start to their season, the Denver Broncos replaced quarterback Kyle Orton with former Heisman Trophy winner and first round pick Tim Tebow. Since then, the Broncos have gone 7-1. Tebow, a Christian who is very outspoken about his faith, often credits God for his success, and that credit apparently extends beyond the football field...

Other Ways God Has Helped Tim Tebow

—Gave him the power to turn water into Mr. Pibb. (Brandon)

—Struck Tebow's mother mute just as she was about to name him "Elbow." (Tenessa)

—Did you hear about the hooker Tebow killed while on a 36-hour cocaine binge? No? EXACTLY. (Mike)

—By teaching him Tebowing, which God originally perfected as a way to discreetly poop in the midst of a large group. (Matt)

—God screams Tebow's name during sex, on the understanding that, once he marries, Tebow will return the favor. (Jameson)

—Hooked him up with Jesus H. Chryst, the best and most reputable plumber in the greater Denver area. (Brandon)

—He has never once experienced a paper cut, a hangnail, or an episode of Whitney. (Tenessa)

—When Tebow buys an assortment pack of Hershey miniature candy bars, God slips in a few extra Krackels. (Mike)

—Together, they have defeated every version of Zelda. (Matt)

—Ever been at a salad bar and had to wait around for the croutons to be restocked? Not Tim Tebow. (Jameson)

—Changed Tebow's reproductive system so that instead of ejaculating semen, his penis releases a stream of quoted Bible verses, thus allowing him to masturbate and spread the gospel at the same time. (Brandon)

—Kept him off of the Minnesota Vikings. (Mike)

—Gave him a really awesome copy of Constantine on DVD. (Jameson)

—He's now able to spiral cut the shit out of a ham. (Matt)

—He happened to look down at his odometer at 11:11 am on 11/11/11 and it read 1111.1. (Jameson)

—He did not have to pay a lot for this muffler. (Tenessa)

—Guess who's going to be the new celebrity spokesman for Don Miguel brand microwavable burritos? (Brandon)

—Atheist Christopher Hitchens died without having won a Heisman, a BCS Championship, or a single NFL game – that should pretty much settle any doubt. (Jameson)

—Made him white. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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