POOP READING
Sep 2, 2011

We're all familiar with the old fashion guideline "Don't wear white after Labor Day", but the list of rules related to that holiday don't end there...

Other Things You Shouldn't Do After Labor Day

—Make love to a white woman (Matt)

—Fling a banjo into a river. (Brandon)

—Eat that yogurt with an expiration date of June 16. (Tenessa)

—Even think of missing the low, low prices at the Barry's Electronics Post-Labor Day Blowout Extravaganza! (Joe)

—Dispose of spoiled shellfish – the genteel thing to do is keep it until springtime and casually redirect one's gaze if visitors begin retching. (Jameson)

—Wear nothing but a G-string and penny loafers to your kids' parent-teacher conferences. (Matt)

—Give smallpox blankets to your enemies. (Brandon)

—Eat leftovers out of dumpsters outside of the Minnesota State Fair. (Tenessa)

—Wear white meat (Lady Gaga only). (Joe)

—Defecate on a Tuesday (or in a Ruby Tuesday). (Jameson)

—I'm pretty sure this is also a rule before Labor Day, but, have sex with your neighbor's cat? (Matt)

—Not watch football. Woo-hoo, football! Football, everybody!!! (Joe)

—Eat cod without wearing a cod piece. (Matt)

—Attribute the gradually lowering seasonal temperatures to "God punishing homos." (Joe)

—Pay any more attention to Michele Bachmann. (Matt)

—Fire pudding out of a cannon. (Brandon)

—It's probably worth mentioning that you also shouldn't wear white people, Silence of the Lambs-style. (Tenessa)

—Hang around pantsless at the local junior college (do it pre-Labor Day and nobody's really going to hassle you. Um... so I've heard). (Joe)

—Raise taxes. (Not really advisable before Labor Day, either. In fact, better to avoid the economy altogether and focus on your collection of vague, overused clich├ęs.) (Jameson)

—Jerk off to summer-themed porn. (Matt)

—Use a trombone to woo ladies under 35. (Brandon)

—It's probably time to let go of those Anthony Wiener jokes, people. (Tenessa)

—Watch any of the new fall TV shows. Just wait until Christmas and see what's left standing, OK? (Joe)

—Most of the rules are easy to remember because they rhyme with "white": don't drink Sprite, fly a kite, run a light, or rape Bob Knight. (Jameson)

—Work. I mean, the point of Labor Day is to do your one day of work, right? (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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