Jun 22, 2012

Nadya Suleman, known as The Octomom after giving birth to octuplets in 2009, has appeared in an adult film in the hopes of raising money to stave off bankruptcy. The movie, entitled Octomom: Home Alone, was released this week, and contains even more unusual elements than you might expect...

Surprises Found in the Octomom Porn Film

—It's only the second sexiest of all the Home Alone movies. (Dan)

—Oddly starts off with a clip of Mitt Romney proclaiming "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message." (Joe)

—Movie's only boob action is her literally breastfeeding what appears to be a malnourished vagrant. (Brandon)

—Every single scene is interrupted by one of her kids asking for a Gogurt. (Tenessa)

—No matter how bad you might think it is, multiple high-def closeups still manage to defy your expectations about what a woman's lady parts might look like after birthing 14 children. (Jameson)

—Let's just say that after one particularly amazing group scene, they could also call her "Octomouth". (Matt)

—It's narrated by Morgan Freeman. (Dan)

—Not wanting to snub her first six children, the ones from before she had octuplets, she actually insisted on being billed as "Tetradecamom." (Joe)

—Horribly misguided "eight fetuses in a womb" orgy scene performed by adult film stars in baby bonnets crammed inside a weather balloon. (Brandon)

—One unlucky partner learns the hard way that there's been a ninth baby hiding in there all along. (Tenessa)

—Special guest appearance by Wilford Brimley to plug both the Octomom and Liberty Medical. (Matt)

—The plot is pretty complex; lot of ins and outs. (Dan)

—First time we've ever seen the guy in a porn movie sporting a thousand-yard stare and clearly fighting back tears. (Joe)

—Product placement scene where she says "Octuple your pleasure with Doublemint gum!" while stuffing four sticks of it into her vagina seems unlikely to appeal to gum chewers, porn enthusiasts, or math sticklers. (Brandon)

—It turns out she has eight of everything. EVERYTHING. (Tenessa)

—Even though it's called Octomom: Home Alone, you totally know there's a whole video crew there. (Dan)

—Bizarre, Hanukkah-esque "conception reenactment" where she gets impregnated by eight different penises over eight separate nights. (Jameson)

—There are several moments when you can see her children watching through the bedroom window. (Matt)

—She gives birth twice during the film. (Dan)

—Very unerotic cameo appearance by Spider-Man villain Doctor Octopus. (Joe)

—Much-hyped "octojob" sex act is just a handjob done with no thumbs. (Brandon)

—The deluxe edition of the DVD comes with a free baby! (Dan)

—Ends with a wedding to an "Octodad" where, after the couple's first kiss, two white doves are released from her vagina. (Matt)

—Every time anyone hits on her, she says, "Meh. The kids are finally asleep. Wanna watch TV?" (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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