POOP READING
Jan 6, 2012

Former Pennsylvania Senator and GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum finished a very close second in this week's Iowa caucus, losing to front-runner Mitt Romney by only 8 votes. The surprisingly strong showing has boosted the profile of Santorum's campaign, and also his confidence...

Signs That Rick Santorum's Strong Showing in Iowa Is Going to His Head

—Now requiring members of the media to wear chastity belts in one-on-one interviews. (Mike)

—He's started wearing a necklace with "GHOSTFACE CAUCUS KILLER" written in diamonds. (Matt)

—Finally feels free to talk about more slippery slope arguments against legalizing gay marriage, like man on bird, ladies shacking up with flagpoles, and ménage à dog. (Brandon)

—In speeches, he's now basically daring software companies to send cyborg killing machines back in time from the future to try and prevent him from becoming president. (Joe)

—His "Faith, Family, and Freedom" tour is now called "Totally Pubeless". (Tenessa)

—Started a blog calling for a Constitutional Amendment to allow eight fewer voters at the New Hampshire primary. (Jameson)

—Concluding that the third person is not enough, he is now referring to himself in the seventh-person, the super-hetero subjunctive. (Mike)

—Rather than tipping his waitress, he just leaves a picture of himself. (Matt)

—Has taken to answering all press questions by simply stating, "Hey, you can't spell 'Nut Rams' without Santorum!" (Brandon)

—He's demanding to start the Steelers playoff game on Sunday in place of a dinged-up Ben Roethlisberger. (Joe)

—At a campaign stop in Virginia, he attempted to buy slaves. (Tenessa)

—He no longer asks before deleting his wife's shows off the TiVo. (Jameson)

—Now carries a tiny dog wearing a sweater vest in his man-bag. (Mike)

—He double dips his chips without fear of reprisal. (Matt)

—The new "God Is My Running Mate" bumper sticker on his campaign bus. (Jameson)

—Recently vowed to campaign staffers that he's not only going to win New Hampshire, but Old Hampshire as well. (Joe)

—Lately, he's been requesting the "Presidential Rate" from his prostitute. (Matt)

—He just resigned as governor of Alaska. (Jameson)

—His new campaign ad is just him playing a kettle drum while wearing a "Social Conservatives Do It to Perpetuate the Species" T-shirt. (Brandon)

—No longer holds in his farts when meeting with sick children. (Mike)

—He now answers his phone, "Ron Paul's daddy speaking." (Matt)

—He's now cheating on Newt Gingrich's wife with Marcus Bachmann's secret boyfriend. (Jameson)

—Has become so convinced of his wide-ranging appeal to voters of all lifestyles that he's now referring to his "Google Problem" as a "Google Advantage". (Joe)

—Instead of campaigning during his first day in New Hampshire, he watched a marathon of Murphy Brown. (Matt)

—He's starting to say out loud some of the things he believes. (Mike)

—He still hasn't dropped out of the race. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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