Aug 31, 2012

Earlier this week, an apparent attempt to stage a Bigfoot sighting backfired horribly when a 44-year-old man dressed up to look like the furry mystery creature was struck by two cars on a Montana highway and killed. Clearly, the life of a Bigfoot impersonator is full of ups and downs...

Pros and Cons of Dressing Up as Bigfoot

—Makes it easy to lay low for a few months while you ride out a moment of public embarrassment worse than co-starring in two movies with an orangutan. (Brandon)

—Reduces your sunscreen expenses by more than half. (Tenessa)

—Safe to eat at Chik-Fil-A without being recognized. (Jameson)

—Access to all the inside dish on the Kardashians when you sneak into family gatherings pretending to be Khloe. (Joe)

—Ever since those Jack Links commercials starting gaining popularity, a Bigfoot can pretty much do whatever he wants to a hiker with complete impunity. (Matt)

—The option of simply adding a clown costume and performing as Patch Adams in local hospitals. (Dan)

—Increased odds of being legitimately raped by a legitimate Bigfoot. (Brandon)

—Invited to sit next to Lithgow at all the really important Harry and the Hendersons events. (Jameson)

—Ever since that "smells like Bigfoot's dick!" crack in Anchorman, it's been impossible to get a blowjob. (Matt)

—There's very little effort required to change over to your day job as bass player in GWAR. (Dan)

—Nobody at Walmart bats an eyelash. (Tenessa)

—There's a chance you'll find it takes a week for your wife to even notice. (Brandon)

—Sometimes another girl at the prom is wearing the same Bigfoot outfit. (Jameson)

—Lady Bigfoot impersonators make '70s bush look like a Brazilian wax. (Matt)

—You have to put up with people constantly giving you shit because your feet aren't "that big." (Dan)

—And you thought your sweaty nutsack smelled bad before you put the Bigfoot costume on... (Joe)

—Slap on some sunglasses and a black suit, and suddenly you're the star of another Joaquin Phoenix fake documentary. (Brandon)

—Nobody minds if you take a leak outside. In fact, they more or less expect it. (Jameson)

—Chad in accounts receivable won't be the boss of you anymore! (Brandon)

—If you go to a Hollywood party, people are still less scared of you than Mickey Rourke. (Matt)

—You get to drive John Tesh's car whenever he's not using it. (Jameson)

—Within a few days, you're typically knee-deep in "mistaken for Chewbacca" tail. (Brandon)

—The Yeti enthusiasts are real assholes. (Dan)

—Pretty decent chance you'll end up dating Lindsay Lohan at one time or another. (Jameson)

—Still more societally acceptable than dressing up as Chazz Palminteri. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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