Dec 11, 2015

This week, the federal government announced that the average life expectancy for people in the United States is 79 years old, the third year in a row that the figure has held at that mark. So what can be done to push it over the age 80 hump?

Things Americans Can Do to Raise Their Average Life Expectancy

—Replace yearly flu shot with a shot of Keith Richards's sweat. (Mike)

—Cover only every third meal with gravy. (Joe)

—Maybe steer clear of Taco Bell's "Flesh-Eating Bacteria Burrito". (Jameson)

—Stop stepping directly into the path of all that automatic weapon fire. (Brandon)

—Become both a little less country and a little less rock-n-roll. (Dan)

—Eat no less than 80 apples a day. (Matt)

—Stop lying about their age. (Mike)

—We'd consume a lot more veggies if we could get them in "vape" form. (Jameson)

—Have we even tried Weekend at Bernie's-ing a bunch of really old dudes for a year to bring up the average? (Brandon)

—Get as many 1 Up Mushrooms as possible. (Dan)

—A sit-up a day. (Joe)

—Tortoises live forever; maybe it's time we carried around thick shells to hide in. (Jameson)

—Stop being a Vikings fan. (Brandon)

—Cross the streams. (Dan)

—Wouldn't it be easier to just bring down the life expectancy of all the other countries? (Jameson)

—Daily cocktail of Vaseline, Vick's VapoRub, and Bacos. (Mike)

—Since "wearable tech" is so hot these days, maybe we can get fat guys to strap on mobile defibrillators. (Jameson)

—I don't have the answer, but let's tell everybody in West Virginia that the solution is eating each other's farts, and see what happens. This is gonna be classic! (Brandon)

—Stop, collaborate, and listen. No, wait, smell like teen spirit. Or maybe it was push it, push it real good. I forget which one my doctor recommended. (Dan)

—If we can just get one person to live to 10,000 years old, it'll bring the average up for all of us! (Jameson)

—Whenever they want to eat a bag of Doritos, eat a banana instead. And then eat the bag of Doritos. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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