POOP READING
Apr 21, 2017

Superstar actress Julia Roberts was named People magazine's Most Beautiful Woman in the World this week, winning the title for a record fifth time. With this history-making honor under her belt, she's ready to take advantage of her powerful position...

Things Julia Roberts Gets to Do Now That She's a Five-Time Winner of People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman in the World

—Hunt a man for sport. (Dan)

—Whip Jon Lovitz like a rented mule. (Jameson)

—Watch a special closed-circuit feed of BeyoncĂ© and J-Lo when they find out Julia Roberts won again. (Joe)

—Decide which iconic likeness of her will be carved into Mount Rushmore: Mary Reilly, Tinkerbell, or Darby Shaw from The Pelican Brief. (Brandon)

—Rule Papua New Guinea. (Matt)

—Slash the beautiful faces of Scarlett Johansson and Rachel McAdams so they don't get any ideas about next year's title. (Jameson)

—Represent Earth in any intergalactic beauty-offs that may come up over the course of the next year. (Joe)

—Well, it goes without saying that the phrase "Limit one per customer" on coupons no longer applies to her. (Brandon)

—Tell the world all the dirty, dirty stuff Dave Letterman whispered into her ear on the way to commercial break over the years. (Jameson)

—Land a substantive role in a good movie. (Ha! Just kidding, she's 49!) (Joe)

—Can walk into any person's home, squat, and pee on their floor while making sustained eye contact with them, which is the ultimate power move. (Brandon)

—Nudge People into creating a Weirdest Head Shape award so her brother Eric can win something. (Jameson)

—She's so beautiful that she might be able to use her appearance to trick our unpopular President into saying something suggestive or untoward about her, a recording of which could be made public, forcing him – a married man – to resign in disgrace. (Joe)

—Get a greenlight for her pet project, the action-heavy sequel Erin Brockovich 2: Don't Make Erin Break a Bitch. (Brandon)

—Bring her certificate to any Bayonne, NJ, Nissan dealership for $1500 cash back on any new or pre-owned vehicle on the lot. (Jameson)

—If they ever want to reboot the Police Academy franchise, she has the option of portraying the most beautiful character: Tackleberry. (Joe)

—World tour, meeting the most beautiful women in places like Azerbaijan, Croatia, and Australia, and coaching them on how to be born in the U.S. next time so they might have a chance. (Jameson)

—Finally, she'll start getting let off with a warning instead of receiving a ticket during traffic stops. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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