POOP READING
Dec 15, 2017

This week, the United Health Foundation released its annual report listing America's Health Rankings, and while Massachusetts ranked #1, Mississippi finished last. The rankings take into account a variety of health factors, such as rates of infectious diseases, obesity, physical inactivity, smoking and infant mortality, as well as air pollution levels and the availability of health care providers, but the factors that led to Mississippi's last place ranking don't stop there...

Reasons Mississippi Is the Least Healthy State in America

—Too many Cross Fit burnings (Joe W.)

—The official state vegetable is fudge. (Brandon)

—Rascal scooters are the traditional baby shower gift. (Matt)

—Still proudly hosting America‚Äôs only Needle-Sharing, Chain-Smoking, Fried Butterfat Cook-Off and SIDS Rodeo every year. (Jameson)

—Was not a good idea to start raising nothing but "gravy-fed cattle" back in '04. (Joe M.)

—Spelling Mississippi as rapidly as possible takes a surprising amount out of you, leaving little opportunity for more rigorous exercise. (Mike)

—To save money on sex ed classes and handing out condoms, public schools instead just give students old WW2 pamphlets on the dangers of contracting VD in France. (Brandon)

—Even their solar panels run on coal. (Matt)

—If the shrimp po-boy I ate there in 2006 is any indication of the general culinary quality, residents probably spend 80% of their time in a blissful food coma. (Jameson)

—Because Wisconsin joined Canada I guess? (Joe M.)

—The Office of Public Health's website has a nutrition page that simply says "If it ain't fried, it ain't food." (Matt)

—To save money, most residents skip the ER and diagnose their diseases with a DVD box set of House, M.D.. (Jameson)

—Too much Masala (applies to Denzel Washington's health only). (Joe W.)

—Biding its time to be selected to compete on The Biggest Loser: Fat State, No Hate. (Mike)

—The University of Mississippi bioengineered the world's first and only burrito tree. (Matt)

—You could probably live well into your 80s if you stopped eating fried catfish every day, but medical science has yet to come up with a justification for bothering to live longer if those years will just be spent denying yourself fried catfish. (Joe M.)

—Misunderstood Obamacare to literally be medical care provided by Obama himself, and have been abstaining from treatments of any kind since 2010, waiting for the former President to show up. (Brandon)

—Most rural families in the state still eating river mud three meals a day. (Jameson)

—You'd drink and do drugs too if you were stuck between Louisiana and Alabama. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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