Jul 4, 2014

This week, the Supreme Court ruled that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act violated federal law when it required “closely held” private corporations – in this case, Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc. – to cover certain forms of birth control in their employee health plans. The idea that corporations can have religious beliefs is being viewed as another step toward the concept of corporations as people. But the similarities don't stop there...

Other Ways Corporations Are Like People

—Their loading docks also get itchy sometimes. (Dan)

—They are no longer interested in soccer. (Mike)

—Think they were created by God. (Jameson)

—Both have difficulty distinguishing between Mickey Rourke and a plate of fucked-up-looking spaghetti. (Matt)

—They should be exercising right now, but instead they are binge-watching Scandal. (Tenessa)

—Will try to get away with anything they can when they think no one is looking. (Brandon)

—Corporations weren't particularly interested in A Million Ways To Die In the West either. (Joe)

—Neither wants to see Justice Alito's scrotum, no matter how smooth he suggests it is. (Matt)

—Also hate Stacy in procurement. (Jameson)

—They contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars to political parties, just like you and me. (Dan)

—Most corporations only go to church on Christmas with their parents. (Mike)

—When watching a civil war reenactment, they too wonder if soldiers used to just poop in the middle of a field, or if they took the time to go to the woods. (Matt)

—They're fatter than they should be, but don't care to do anything about it. (Jameson)

—They can't resist Paul Rudd. (Tenessa)

—Have at one time or another released unwanted fluids into rivers, lakes, and oceans. (Brandon)

—They also masturbate in the Kmart parking lot. (Matt)

—Corporations who need corporations are the luckiest corporations in the world. (Joe)

—Minnesota-based companies inexplicably hate Joe Mauer, whereas companies based everywhere else think he is outstanding. (Mike)

—If the lights were dim, sure, they'd have a three-way with Judi Dench and Michael Cain. (Matt)

—Like people, they dislike some federal laws; unlike people, they can totally ignore the ones they don't like. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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