Aug 5, 2011

Rise of the Planet of the Apes opens in theaters this weekend, with a plot that revolves around super-intelligent apes overthrowing human society. But maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing...

Ways Life Might Be Better Under the Rule of Apes

—They sure as shit wouldn't keep making Final Destination movies. (Mike)

—Little to no controversy over whether the President was born in Africa. (Joe)

—Donald Trump would almost certainly be mauled by the lead orangutan, if for no other reason than the striking resemblance. (Matt)

—No more hot, expensive trips to the zoo every time you want to see a monkey wanking it. (Jameson)

—Apes have a more evolved attitude about expanding instant replay in Major League Baseball. (Brandon)

—New economic growth sector in swinging vine futures. (Mike)

—Wedding vows would contain the phrase "you may now fling the poop." (Joe)

—I've gotta think my banana euphemisms would play pretty well for at least the first year. (Matt)

—Apes prefer sign language, so 40,000 texting-while-driving fatalities will be avoided each year. (Jameson)

—Apes don't care who you marry, so long as their sexual orifice is properly red and swollen when you attempt to mate with them. (Brandon)

—Anyone who violates the "one urinal buffer" rule in a mostly empty men's room will get their cock ripped off by the bathroom apetendant. (Mike)

—When playing chess, we'd probably start saying "primate" instead of "checkmate." Granted that's not an earth-shattering change, but you've got to admit it's delightful. (Joe)

—So long underwear! (Matt)

—At this point, I'll take my chances with an Ape Congress. (Jameson)

—Mandatory daily grooming for bathing-averse hipsters. (Brandon)

—Runaway TV hit Two and a Half Apes. (Mike)

—Fewer sports scandals involving steroids; more sports scandals involving super-fast, super-strong apes disguised as humans and surreptitiously inserted into starting lineups. (Joe)

—I'll probably go to hell for this but: monkey escorts. (Matt)

—Maybe in an ape world, we'd get some kickass movies about humans taking over. (Jameson)

—Fast food menu items will contain less saturated fats and refined sugars, and more high-protein insect larvae (except for Taco Bell, which will contain slightly less insect larvae than at present). (Brandon)

—Watching Sarah Palin praise the "real apes" that live in the heartland while bad-mouthing the jerks in the "apestream media," only to get feces thrown at her by both. (Mike)

—Most of the chatter on Facebook will be more intelligent. (Jameson)

—Humans might get to be in zoos. You ever seen what they do to animals in zoos? They put them in nicely appointed spaces, give them their favorite foods to eat, and all but beg them to hump each other. Sounds pretty sweet to me. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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