Aug 24, 2012

Last week, in a television interview, Missouri Rep. Todd Akin claimed that in the case of "legitimate rape", a woman was unlikely to get pregnant, a comment that quickly earned him widespread condemnation, and may derail his bid for a U.S. Senate seat this fall. But that was not the only piece of information Akin wants to pass along to the masses...

Other "Facts" Rep. Todd Akin Would Like to Share With You

—"Leading research tells us that the best cure for brain cancer is to jump off a bridge." (Jameson)

—"If you poop into a crevice during the first five minutes of an earthquake, the earthquake can shut itself down." (Mike)

—"Plain and simple, using a crock pot makes you gay." (Matt)

—"Look, the thing most people don't know is that there are three settings on the human penis: impregnate, do not impregnate, and baptize." (Brandon)

—"From what I understand from science professors, racism has no negative consequences whatsoever." (Tenessa)

—"If elected, the only cock pictures I would ever text would be to my female wife. Like it says in the Bible." (Joe)

—"Menstrual flow is what oozes out of a volcano." (Dan)

—"If an email from a grandparent begins with "Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: The TRUTH about Obama," you know it's true." (Mike)

—"The global financial crisis is the result of too many men listening to their wives." (Matt)

—"I heavily researched my legitimate rape statement, and I can assure you that I never got pregnant." (Brandon)

—"We won't see a downturn in quality at all in Season 4 of Community even though they fired Dan Harmon as showrunner." (Joe)

—"It's a slippery slope; if we make an exception for abortions in the case of rape, next we'll be making exceptions for women who aren't even pregnant." (Jameson)

—"If he loved you enough, your dad would never die." (Mike)

—"Diet Dr. Pepper tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper, but my friend Dr. Ted Pepper tastes more like a creamy saline solution." (Matt)

—"Legitimate homeless people are too dedicated to their craft to accept handouts." (Brandon)

—"I don't care what he calls himself, I like the cut of Chad Johnson's jib." (Joe)

—"Girls who are hitchhiking cannot be legitimately raped. Having given a 'thumbs up' sign is a biological indicator of consent." (Tenessa)

—"When I was in high school, I impregnated Wendy Weidauer just by thinking about her while I masturbated." (Mike)

—"Barack Obama's real full name? Barack Hussein Bin Laden Satan Castro Stalin-Making-Out-With-Hitler Obama." (Matt)

—"Also, if it’s a legitimate crepe, the female body has ways to try to shut THAT whole thing down, too." (Brandon)

—"Those twenty percent of dentists who don't recommend Trident? All homos." (Joe)

—"Most modern computers have mechanisms to prevent legitimate spam e-mail, so if you see a penis enlargement pitch in your inbox, it's because your penis is too small." (Jameson)

—"'Dark Side of the Moon' syncs up perfectly with any movie if you get baked enough." (Joe)

—"Most Alzheimer's patients just aren't trying very hard." (Brandon)

—"When an asshole politician says an extremely insensitive, backward statement, the American democratic system has ways to shut that whole thing down." (Matt)

—"I'm still going to win in November." (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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