POOP READING
Sep 22, 2010

Best of Baron von Funny: August-September 2009

Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life

—Air bag has two settings: 1) saving you during an accident, and 2) auto-erotic asphyxiation. (Mike)

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—You've been watching Ocean's Eleven over and over for tips on how to steal Tamiflu from Walgreens. (Sean)

Other Things the Airlines Will Soon Be Charging You For

—If you decide not to buy anything from the SkyMall catalog, that'll cost you $30. (Jameson)

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—It seems like people on the subway have been staring ever since you started wearing a respirator mask over your Spiderman costume. (Matt)

Additional Ernie Anastos Catchphrases

—"Oh, black people. When will you ever learn?" (Joe)

Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life

—Will teach tough, angry minority youths in your city to love poetry, la Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. (Brandon)

Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement

—Unlimited Booty calls (he can call backup quarterback John David Booty at any time, from any location, free of charge). (Brad)

Surprises Planned for the New Season of Survivor

—No lip balm. Enjoy the cracked lips, suckers! (Matt)

Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement

—Once a day, a player of Favre's choosing will be "bitch-slapped" by ESPN's Ed Werder. (Mike)

Real Reasons Paula Abdul Left American Idol

—FOX kept trying to censor her tweets. (Jameson)

Real Reasons Paula Abdul Left American Idol

—Randy Jackson kept trying to "censor" her "tweets." (Brandon)

Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life

—It won't tell anyone about that time you jerked off to a Lebron James dunk compilation on YouTube, unlike your mom. (Matt)

Surprises Planned for the New Season of Survivor

—Winner will receive an "Old West" photo of him or herself with Jeff Probst. (Jameson)

Other Interjections Kanye West Can No Longer Keep to Himself

—"While a reasonable variant, afterwards should never be used to replace afterward." (Matt)

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—You're grossly overweight and you have Washington Redskins season tickets, yet you refrain from wearing a novelty pig snout to the team's season opener. (Joe)

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—Every time you fart, you demand that your wife put her head near your ass to see if things "smell swiney" down there. (Mike)

Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life

—Gets 650 miles per gallon in the country – like you'd ever go to the country, you latte-sipping yuppie. (Jameson)

Additional Ernie Anastos Catchphrases

—"Short and loose like a Chinese prostitute." (Matt)

Other Things the Airlines Will Soon Be Charging You For

—Arm rest property taxes. (Brandon)

Other Interjections Kanye West Can No Longer Keep to Himself

—"The Goonies really doesn't hold up! Watch it again as an adult if you don't believe me!" (Joe)

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—You paid $8 for that iPhone app that listens to your cough and tells you which flu you have: regular, avian, swine, or Gary Busey. (Jameson)

Additional Ernie Anastos Catchphrases

—"Shut the doors and crank up the Skynyrd, it's time for the obituaries!" (Matt)

Surprises Planned for the New Season of Survivor

—Immunity challenges to be replaced by swine flu immunity challenges. (Brandon)

Real Reasons Paula Abdul Left American Idol

—If you had to sit between a dick and a douche, would you stay? (Matt)

Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life

—Steering wheel programmed to give you an electric shock every time you attempt to get fast food drive-thru, you lardass. (Joe)

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—You bought a decontamination hazmat suit to wear over your decontamination hazmat suit. (Jameson)

Other Interjections Kanye West Can No Longer Keep to Himself

—"I'll start eating white bread when white people start eating black forest ham." (Matt)

Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement

—Dropped hints that they may charter another one of those sex boats. (Brandon)

Signs That You're Getting a Little Too Paranoid About Swine Flu

—You've stopped having secret sexual relations with pigs and started having them with larger birds. (Mike)

Additional Ernie Anastos Catchphrases

—"Bend over and take it in your news hole!" (Matt)

Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement

—Nothing. It's all just a scam so Favre can screw over the Vikings (and more importantly, their fans) at the most inopportune moment. Once a Packer, always a Packer! (Sean)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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