Dec 2, 2011

The day after Thanksgiving, now commonly referred to as Black Friday, has become the biggest shopping day of the year, with many stores opening at midnight and offering huge discounts. This has led to increasingly crazed behavior from customers, with fights, muggings, and even a woman who pepper sprayed her competitors. It's time to look in the mirror, people...

Signs That You're Too Obsessed With Black Friday

—You're already in line for next year. (Jameson)

—You bought 65 $2 wafflemakers because it was cheaper than buying one $140 waffle maker. (Mike)

—When peeing your pants didn't convince the JCPenney clerk to let you in early to use the bathroom, you peed his pants. (Tenessa)

—You got hired at Target so you could work on Thanksgiving Day and then quit at 11:59pm that night in order to be in the store a minute before the other customers. (Matt)

—After you were done shopping, you made love to your receipt. (Brandon)

—You pepper sprayed an entire crowd of shoppers just to get to a shelf full of bargain-priced pepper spray. (Joe)

—You converted your life savings into Walgreens coupons. (Jameson)

—You've been doing monthly cycles of steroids and human growth hormone to reduce your front-door-to-electronics-department sprint times. (Matt)

—Remember that really sad and uncomfortable scene in the car from Boogie Nights? Yeah, well, you just did that in a Costco parking lot for a vat of C batteries. (Mike)

—When you listened to the song "Friday" by Rebecca Black on Black Friday, you had an orgasm so powerful that it knocked out three of your teeth. (Joe)

—You traded your XBox to a guy for his place in line to get a discounted XBox. (Jameson)

—You flew to northwestern Indiana so you could enjoy Black Friday in the Eastern Time Zone in Walkerton, and then drove 30 minutes west to Wanatah to enjoy Black Friday in the Central Time Zone. (Matt)

—You spent the better part of a year and hundreds of thousands of dollars building a fake store to lure and trap fellow Black Friday shoppers in order to thin out the competition. (Brandon)

—To come down from your high, you had to spend the day after Black Friday at TGI Friday's watching Karen Black movies. (Jameson)

—You traded your youngest son to a couple who had grabbed the last half-priced LCD TV, then you traded the TV for a better son. (Mike)

—In a showing of solidarity with Black Friday, you threw your computer out the window on Cyber Monday. (Matt)

—Your family hasn't seen you at a Thanksgiving dinner in eight years. Some of your cousins actually assume you've died. (Jameson)

—You shopped on Black Friday. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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