May 29, 2015

This week, former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum and former New York Governor George Pataki became the seventh and eighth members of the Republican Party to announce their candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, and many more people are expected to make their own announcements in the coming weeks, meaning that American voters will have a lot to learn about these GOP hopefuls...

Little-Known Facts About the 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates

—Brian Williams claims to have slept with all of them. (Jameson)

—In Kenya, the word Pataki is a euphemism for giving a giraffe a handjob. (Matt)

—Close friends say that Ben Carson just hasn't been the same since his Uncle Johnny died. (Joe)

—South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham does not like green eggs and ham. (Or gays.) (Brandon)

—Though a staunch Republican now, for much of his youth, Bobby Jindal was bipartisan curious. (Mike)

—While Herman Cain is not on the list yet, there's no way to conclusively prove that one of the other candidates is not Herman Cain in an elaborate disguise. (Jameson)

—If there's one thing that truly defines Mike Huckabee, it's his collection of selfies with Meatloaf. Not the singer; the food. (Matt)

—Scott Walker can touch his tongue to his nose (but refuses to). (Joe)

—Ted Cruz is the Michele Bachmann of Ted Cruzes. (Brandon)

—Scientists are working around the clock to prepare the first Presidential candidate who is not a human, but just a big wad of corporate cash in a suit. (Jameson)

—Marco Rubio eats an apple a day to keep Ben Carson away. (Matt)

—Chris Christie also likes to go around shutting down bridge games of people who piss him off. He just barges right into their basements, not one fuck given. (Joe)

—Rick Perry grunts like a tennis player anytime he reads something. (Brandon)

—Mike Huckabee is a buffoon. (Sorry, that is a well-known fact about a 2016 Republican presidential candidate.) (Mike)

—The candidates have collectively banged 19 hookers. (Jameson)

—Marco Rubio drank some water on TV once. Ha! What a fag. (Joe)

—Jeb Bush is the fourth-most popular Jeb in America, behind former Broncos tight end Jeb Putzier, Jeb the Goat from the 2004 animated film Home on the Range, and convicted Watergate co-conspirator Jeb Stuart Magruder. (Brandon)

—If you pinch Rand Paul under the armpit, he will emit a yellowish discharge out of his bellybutton. (Matt)

—Original title of Carly Fiorina's autobiography Tough Choices was Tough Choices (For the 30,000 of You I Just Laid Off from Hewlett Packard). (Brandon)

—All viable statistical models project that, by the time of the first Republican primary debate, 18% of all U.S. Republicans will be running for the 2016 nomination. (Jameson)

—Given Hillary Clinton's likability and track record as a campaigner, one of them will probably be president in a year and a half. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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