Apr 17, 2009

Somali pirates have been back in the news lately after hijacking several ships and abducting a U.S. freighter captain. And as with any occupation, the job has its ups and downs...

Pros and Cons of Being a Somali Pirate

—You get to meet real live U.S. Navy Seals! (Jameson)

—Not nearly as many Keira Knightley types hanging around as Pirates of the Caribbean made it seem like there would be. (Sean)

—Always at sea during "Somali Pirate's Week" on Jeopardy! (Mike)

—When Captain Morgan visits, he's always a little too eager to "put a little Captain in you" if you know what I mean. (Matt)

—In the modern pirate era, "Jolly Roger" no longer refers to the skull and crossbones flag, but rather to that effeminate dude who works over in accounts receivable. (Brandon)

—Your kids think you'll be bringing home cool stuff like gold doubloons and jewelry, but it's mostly just irregular sunglasses, jet ski parts, and Applebee's training DVDs. (Jameson)

—All the good "Beard" names have been taken, so now all you hear is stuff like "Indigo Beard," "Fat Beard," and "Hey You Beard." (Matt)

—You have to listen to all the Kenyan Pirates brag about Obama. (Mike)

—The mainstream media is swarming to scapegoat Somali pirates these days, meaning you'll probably have to leave it off your resumé. (Jameson)

—Too many Johnny Depp wannabes; people have forgotten that it's supposed to be about the raping and the pillaging. (Brandon)

—Two words: mermaid orgies. (Matt)

—Unlimited free appetizers at the Long John Silver's in Mogadishu. (Mike)

—That annual Talk Like a Pirate Day bullshit gets old really fast. (Jameson)

—The wildest girls spend spring break off the Horn of Africa. (Matt)

—No one blinks if you start arguing with the bird perched on your shoulder. (Mike)

—Though completely awesome, those sail-propelled pirate ships can't catch a canoe. (Matt)

—Turn of phrase "I need that like I need a hole in the head" is sort of off the table now. (Jameson)

—A life at sea does no favors to the genitalia for thee. (Matt)

—The term "pirate" is given a bad name by those bastards who leaked the Wolverine movie. (Mike)

—The pungent aromas of fish guts, mildewed clothing, and sweaty ass are not the aphrodisiacs that all those Kanye West songs would lead you to believe they are. (Brandon)

—Text-messaging fees for satellite phones are outrageous. (Matt)

—Only real chance for advancement is if your boss's face gets shot off. (Jameson)

—It's still better than being a Pittsburgh Pirate. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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