Jul 10, 2009

After a prolonged legal battle with former Senator Norm Coleman over election results in Minnesota, Al Franken was finally sworn in this week as a U.S. Senator. He has missed six months of time in Congress, and now must dive into the middle of a session.

Ways That Al Franken Can Make Up For Lost Time

—Get one of them Argentinian mistresses everybody's talking about. (Brandon)

—Grab $1 billion from Senate "petty cash" fund, wipe ass with it. (Mike)

—Work much longer and more energetically by taking a cue from his late-70s Saturday Night Live days and doing mountains upon mountains of cocaine. (Joe)

—Outsource the work to Malaysia. (Matt)

—Finally get some publicity for his books by reading them back to back on the Senate floor in a one-man filibuster. (Jameson)

—Cruelly insult political opponents two at a time. (Mike)

—Lull his colleagues to sleep with a free screening of Stuart Saves His Family, then when no one is looking, rewrite a couple of laws. (Brandon)

—Cram session with Georgetown nerds. (Matt)

—This might not have anything to do with the Senate, but he could try to convince Brett Favre to shit or get off the pot. (Joe)

—Resign from office to pursue salmon fishing with crazily-named kids. (Mike)

—Amphetamines and a bullhorn. It worked for Lincoln when he was in Congress. (Brandon)

—Get some of whatever Strom Thurmond had in his system. That dude was a zombie or a robot or one of them Highlanders, right? (Matt)

—Join some exclusive all-white clubs from which he can subsequently resign his membership. (Mike)

—Filibuster some quorum in his subcommittee or whatever the hell it is that senators do. (Joe)

—Get freaky with a bunch of interns and pages. (Mike)

—Twitter about his plans. That's not a waste of time. (Matt)

—Eating at his desk, sleeping at his desk, and... well, let's just say he's going to be doing a lot of things at his desk. (Brandon)

—Personify the smug, condescending caricature of a left-wing elitist on nights and weekends as well. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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