Aug 19, 2016

This week, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump reshuffled his campaign staff, naming Stephen Bannon, a former banker who runs the influential conservative outlet Breitbart News, as his new campaign CEO, and Kellyanne Conway, a veteran Republican pollster, as his new campaign manager. But the changes to the Trump campaign won't stop there...

Other Ways That the Trump Campaign Is Shaking Things Up

—Speeches no longer written and approved by sleep-deprived owls on LSD. (Jameson)

—More Newt Gingrich, who will stand around pantsless and shirtless. (Matt)

—Everyone who attends one of Trump's rallies from now until November gets a free snake. Because none of your business why; that's why. (Joe)

—Secret Service detail is being trained to do the "NOOOO!!!" leap to get between Trump and a mic anytime he goes off message. (Brandon)

—All future press statements and policy claims will be run past Ryan Lochte before release. (Jameson)

—Since realizing that Melania is unacceptably over half his age, Trump has started sending out feelers to Demi Lovato's people. (Joe)

—T-shirt cannons at every debate! (Brandon)

—Trump will now close every speech with a 20-minute slideshow about which female 2016 Olympians he'd most like to bone. (Joe)

—On the stump, Trump will now only belittle the elderly. Because who cares about the elderly, right? (Matt)

—Asking the neighbor kid who mows Trump's lawn if he has any experience running a presidential campaign. (Jameson)

—All campaign events will just consist of Super Bowl XXV being shown on a giant screen in its entirety. Helluva game, that Super Bowl XXV. (Joe)

—Trump will retract his "2nd amendment people" comment, and instead suggest that maybe the Cincinnati Zoo could "Harambe" Clinton. (Brandon)

—This "U.S. President" thing is starting to feel played out; might be time to take a swing at winning the Venezuelan presidency. (Jameson)

—Out: Pence. In: Putin. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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