Sep 20, 2013

This week, giant coffee retailer Starbucks announced that it will "respectfully request" that patrons stop bringing guns into its stores. But that wasn't the only behavior Starbucks would like their customers to change...

Other Things Starbucks Would Like Its Customers to Stop Doing

—Insisting on skim milk and, in the same breath, asking for extra whipped cream. (Mike)

—Fashioning shivs out of stir sticks. (Dan)

—Ordering an impossible-to-make drink and then suggesting that they've had it dozens of times at the gas station down the street. (Matt)

—Bringing Starbucks coffee into gun stores. Cuts both ways. (Joe)

—Saying "Hey, I like-a da venti" in a stereotypical Italian accent whenever they order a 20 ounce coffee. (Brandon)

—Pretending they're interested in the lives of their barista just so they can check them out for a few extra seconds. (Mike)

—Pompously saying "I heard on NPR..." every five goddamn minutes. (Matt)

—Pretending like they're ever going to finish the dumb screenplay that they hunker down in a Starbucks and "work on" three days a month. (Joe)

—Picking up their coffee order by twerking against the cup. (Dan)

—Referring to it as a "biracial latte" rather than a black and white mocha. (Matt)

—Letting loose a couple of mongooses just to see what happens. (Brandon)

—Giving their babies such dipshit names. (Joe)

—Taking a sip of coffee, doing a spit-take, and yelling, "THAT'S what coffee tastes like?!" (Matt)

—Making sexual innuendos using the words "whipped," "froth," or "mocha chino." (Mike)

—Shitting up the men's room every Thursday morning, Dale. (Joe)

—In lieu of money, giving the cashier one of those "your name on a piece of rice" grains that don't even have her name on them. (Matt)

—Asking to speak to Dirk Benedict or Katee Sackhoff. (Brandon)

—Availing themselves of any of their other constitutionally guaranteed freedoms while they're at it. (Joe)

—Acknowledging that other coffee places exist. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Mike Wagner

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