Jan 22, 2010

Earlier this week, in a stunning upset, Republican state senator Scott Brown defeated Massachusetts attorney general and Democrat Martha Coakley in a special election to lay claim to one of the state's U.S. Senate seats, a position that, thanks to the late Senator Ted Kennedy, had been held by Democrats for 46 years. News outlets and political pundits have been analyzing the Coakley loss all week, and now it's our turn...

Mistakes Made by Martha Coakley in the Massachusetts Senate Campaign

—Top advisors were the cast of Jersey Shore. (Mike)

—Let's just say that the thong was a poor choice for that photo op with the Cardinal Archbishop of Boston. (Brandon)

—Failed to convincingly prove that she didn't drown anyone in Chappaquiddick in 1969. (Jameson)

—Never came up with a suitable response to Brown's "If the Kennedys are so great, then how come they're all dead?" zinger. (Joe)

—Decision to do a centerfold spread in Harper's Bazaar wearing nothing but a pair of medical compression socks. (Matt)

—Didn't make nearly enough folksy references to snow machines. (Tenessa)

—Perhaps claiming that the spirit of JFK lives in her vagina wasn't as shrewd a move as originally thought. (Brad)

—Rumors of her secret affair with Paul Revere's hat. (Jameson)

—Sucker punching Larry Bird. (Brandon)

—Do you honestly expect to win a seat in the United States Senate if you don't have a hot daughter who was on American Idol? I mean, really. (Joe)

—Insisting upon doing a "Mass-ACHU-setts" fake sneeze whenever Brown brought up issues of the nation rather than issues of the state. (Matt)

—11th-hour campaign boast that she doinked Tiger Woods just didn't have the impact it would have several months earlier. (Brad)

—Campaign slogan "A marriage for every gay, and a bonus for every hedge fund manager" rubbed many people the wrong way. (Jameson)

—Thought Brown would fall for the old "you vote for me, I'll vote for you" trick. (Mike)

—Lost the support of the apiarist community when she mistakenly attacked "bee taggers" rather than "tea baggers." (Tenessa)

—Stubborn insistence on bringing Ted Kennedy's disembodied head to all of her campaign rallies. (Brandon)

—Eating pot pies in public. Think about it. How many times have you seen a Senator eating a pot pie? Yeah. Zero. My point exactly. (Matt)

—Should have reconsidered her campaign attire, which mostly consisted of a T-shirt that said "Boston Red Sux" on the front and "New England Gay-triots" on the back. (Joe)

—Repeatedly put I before E after the letter C. (Jameson)

—Probably shouldn't have said she was "Bigger than The Beatles when they said they were bigger than Jesus." (Brandon)

—You're competing with Cosmo's America's Sexiest Man for 1982. We've seen his entire naked body. Would it kill you to show a little leg? (Tenessa)

—Wearing pajamas to fundraising events, and pantsuits to pajama parties. (Matt)

—For some reason, a lot of people who watch cable news are associating Democrats with blundering, stymied regulatory logjams, skyrocketing unemployment figures, and an unwinnable war against terrorism right now. (Jameson)

—C'mon, did anyone else know that there are actually Republicans in Massachusetts? (Brad)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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