Jul 5, 2013

Thursday was Independence Day, a national holiday commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. It's a day when Americans tend to celebrate their freedoms, and there sure are a lot of them to celebrate...

Less-Heralded Things About Being an American That Are Worth Celebrating This Week

—You can celebrate the 4th of July even though the Second Continental Congress declared independence from Great Britain on July 2nd. (Mike)

—International Federation of Competitive Eating sanctioned baby-eating contests. (Matt)

—There is no freedom on the planet as broad as the freedom with which Americans name their kids. (Jameson)

—Pooping in a tent in your backyard may be "frowned upon", but it's still perfectly legal. (Brandon)

—We have the right to split up all of Asia on a world map just so we can be in the middle. (Dan)

—Plenty of countries still won't let their people vote at all; we're so into voting that we vote for made-up shit like the ESPYs. (Joe)

—Jumped from 4th to 1st in morbid obesity worldwide without breaking a sweat, which is actually one of the keys to doing it. (Mike)

—Flag condoms are considered acceptable public attire due to their high level of patriotism. (Matt)

—We make the only movies or TV shows anyone watches, and if someone else dares to make a good one, we'll "Americanize" it! (Jameson)

—If you want gravy on something, you can pretty much always get gravy on it. Even if the item in question is not food. Even if you're not in a restaurant. (Brandon)

—The citizens of Norfolk, NE pronounce the name of their town "Nor-fork" despite the lack of a second "r" and everyone just accepts it. (Mike)

—Protected by a constitution you are free to interpret in any way you want – even in ways that contradict each other! (Jameson)

—Kate Hudson keeps making movies, but nobody forces you to watch them at gunpoint, like they do in Myanmar. (Brandon)

—The right to bare arms. Also known as the Tank Top Amendment. (Dan)

—It's still technically legal to punch anybody with the surname "King." (Joe)

—Putting the words "eco" or "green" in front of products eliminate the need to feel guilty about the consequences those products bring on the environment. (Mike)

—You can give a man a Cleveland Steamer in one state and transport him across the border of another without running afoul of the Interstate Commerce Clause. (Matt)

—Any political debate can be settled with one bumper sticker. (Jameson)

—There sure are a lot of songs about doin' it. (Brandon)

—The 5th amendment provides protections for those who smelt it from having to admit that they dealt it. (Mike)

—Where else in the world would Mitch McConnell be tolerated? (Matt)

—You can do anything you want with your life, as long as Jay Leno doesn't also want to do that thing. (Jameson)

—No matter how much you sag, no matter where you sag, you can mow the lawn shirtless without penalty. (Mike)

—I wrote this joke by dictating it to the computer on my phone while riding on a captive killer whale, firing a pistol in the air, and drinking a mixture of beer and cheese through straws connected to my helmet. U-S-A!! U-S-A!! (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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