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Baron von Funny

Sports

Nov 28, 2008

Dallas Cowboys defensive back Adam "Pacman" Jones, who has missed most of the last two football seasons due to suspensions for alcohol, fist fights and a role in a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club, was warned this week by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell that any further "missteps" on his part – even a missed rehab appointment – will result in a lifetime ban from the league. Documents obtained from the NFL better clarify what those potential missteps include...

Other Missteps That Will Result in a Lifetime Ban for "Pacman" Jones

—Failing to journal about the most recent episode of ABC's Brothers and Sisters. (Mike)

—Saying that the fundamentals of the U.S. economy are strong. (Brad)

—Reading "Tuesdays With Morrie" on Wednesdays. (Matt)

Dogfighting Getting caught dogfighting. (Jameson)

—"Partying like it's your birthday" on any day other than his actual birthday. (Sean)

—"Making it rain"; be it in a strip club way, an R. Kelly way, or even in a Native American tribal dance way. All are now off limits. (Joe)

—Punching a horse, like that no-good former Detroit Lion Alex Karras did that one time. (Brandon)

—Wearing white after Labor Day. (Mike)

—Impregnating John Madden. (Brad)

—Uttering the words "Las Vegas" and "strippers" in the same month. (Matt)

—Showing up at a rehab appointment disguised as someone else. (Jameson)

—Scheduling two rehab appointments at the same time, and comically dashing between them while frantically switching clothes. (Jameson)

—Making an appointment to miss a rehab appointment, thereby missing the appointment if he shows up or if he doesn't, and forcing Goodell to question the fabric of logic and reason. (Jameson)

—Getting plastic surgery that mimics the work Jerry Jones had done. (Mike)

—If he and his fraternity brothers fail one more class during a non-sanctioned campus party while trying to pull off an elaborate scheme to get "Pee-Wee" laid. (Brandon)

—Using up all of he and Goodell's shared "anytime" minutes. (Matt)

—Continuing his self-funded community outreach program: "Hey, You Look Like You Could Be A Dancer". (Sean)

—Watching Leno. (Brandon)

—Refusing to use league-mandated steroids. (Matt)

—Hanging toilet paper in non-NFL-sanctioned underhand manner. (Brad)

—Contending with a straight face that the BCS system is the best way to determine a college football champion. (Jameson)

—Failing to convince an attention-starved Terrell Owens not to legally change his name to Q-Bert. (Sean)

—Admitting that he was the "who" that "let the dogs out". (Matt)

—Wearing an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt and always making a special effort to stand beside Goodell. (Jameson)

—Eating a power pellet, but then failing to score any points off of any of the four "ghost monsters" before they stop blinking again. That's a weak move, dude. Seriously weak. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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