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Sports

Aug 21, 2009

Less than a month after telling the Minnesota Vikings he was retiring from football for good, quarterback Brett Favre changed his mind and surprised the NFL by suddenly signing a two-year contract with the Vikings this week. But money wasn't the only way they enticed Favre to change his mind...

Additional Perks the Vikings Used to Lure Brett Favre Out of Retirement

—All offensive lineman will gain an extra 15 pounds of "Favre Fat" for better pass protection. (Brandon)

—Once a day, a player of Favre's choosing will be "bitch-slapped" by ESPN's Ed Werder. (Mike)

—Unlimited Booty calls (he can call backup quarterback John David Booty at any time, from any location, free of charge). (Brad)

—Would arrange for him to be mentioned on PoopReading.com like every fucking day for a week. (Jameson)

—Special lighting in the locker room that will enhance the length and curvature of his penis (just ask Visanthe Shiancoe). (Matt)

—Told him he doesn't have to throw a pass until Week 6. (Sean)

—Full-time access to the greater Twin Cities area's finest stubble wrangler. (Joe)

—Will only have to compete against Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels for starting job. (Mike)

—Complimentary surgery to attach Viking horns. (Brad)

—Several "tight ends" that are very good "receivers," if you get my drift... (Matt)

—Viking attorneys would lobby the editors at the Oxford English Dictionary to add a new variant for the definition of "retirement." (Jameson)

—Free Twins playoff tickets...oh, wait... (Mike)

—Dropped hints that they may charter another one of those sex boats. (Brandon)

—A professional white tiger groomer to take care of all of that crazy white-grey hair he's got on his body. (Matt)

—Favre to get a choice spot on one of Obama's new death panels. (Jameson)

—Vikings helmet to be replaced by a well-worn salmon-colored baseball cap. (Mike)

—The Vikings new "Wildcat" offense will feature actual wildcats, as is Favre's preference. (Brad)

—Former coach Mike Tice will be re-hired by the team to provide shade for Favre on the sidelines with his enormous head. (Matt)

—Prior to a game of Favre's choosing, can give head coach Brad Childress a Hitler mustache. (Mike)

—To help Favre really stick it to his former Wisconsin fans, they had the mayor of Milwaukee beaten with a pipe. (Joe)

—Would make him an honorary Viking, with full raping, looting, and village burning privileges. (Jameson)

—As per Favre's request, Minnesota video stores will destroy all copies of The Talented Mr. Ripley. (Mike)

—Nothing. It's all just a scam so Favre can screw over the Vikings (and more importantly, their fans) at the most inopportune moment. Once a Packer, always a Packer! (Sean)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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