Dec 5, 2008

Executives from Detroit's Big Three car manufacturers (Ford, GM, and Chrysler) were back in Washington, D.C. again this week, asking Congress for a $34 billion dollar bailout package to save them from the brink of financial collapse. What do they plan to do with that money?

Ways the Big Three Automakers Plan to Spend $34 Billion

—Mileage reimbursement for the trip to D.C. (Brad)

—Make use of their coupon to "Buy One $34 Billion Executive Retreat, Get a Retreat of Equal or Lesser Value Free." (Jameson)

—The can't-miss new Carumpster: the car that's also a dumpster! (Brandon)

—You know how you always hear people say "nowhere in the world is there a 450-foot-high solid gold waterslide"? Well, don't expect to be hearing people say that for very much longer. (Joe)

—Pay Mellencamp to sing that "This is Our Country" song at photo op where Congress hands the CEOs the oversized novelty check. (Mike)

—Purchase Chicago Bears and relocate them to Detroit so that the area sports teams would be the Lions, Tigers, and Bears. Oh My! (Sean)

—Hey America, get ready for up to two additional miles per gallon! (Matt)

—Try to find a way to produce cars that don't have that "Detroit smell." (Joe)

—Computerized talking passenger seat that will keep solo drivers company on long hauls with jokes, anecdotes, and sing-a-longs (just as soon as the tech guys can fix the glitch that's causing all those long, uncomfortable racist diatribes). (Brandon)

—Massive ad buy during ratings juggernaut Kath & Kim. (Mike)

—Indecent proposals to Woody Harrelson's wife every night through 2079. (Jameson)

—Goodbye assembly line robots; hello assembly line monkeys! (Brad)

—Continue making expensive, shitty cars. Go ahead and sue us, suckers! (Mike)

—Make a "ride" so "pimped" that it will literally make you shit yourself. (Joe)

—More robots; not to build cars, but rather to stand behind lazy, shiftless, unionized auto workers and poke them with a stick, thus ensuring increased productivity (at least until the inevitable Robo-UAW War, which will somehow result in the death of Gary Busey and leave most of Lake Erie in flames). (Brandon)

—Can finally afford Yakuza hits on Honda CEO Takeo Fukui and Toyota CEO Katsuaki Watanabe. (Brad)

—Invent a car that runs on $34 billion. Return to Congress to ask for another $34 billion. Repeat. (Jameson)

—A nationwide "Flying Gives You Gonorrhea" public service campaign to really stick it to those douchebags over in the airline industry. (Brandon)

—Begin privatized space program aimed at locating intelligent life on other worlds and selling inferior, gas-guzzling cars to them. (Sean)

—Go back to installing actual brake pads in new cars instead of Eggo waffles. (Brad)

—Partner with "Girls Gone Wild" to sell cars via their TV ads, forcing millions of men to explain why they have six Chevy Cobalts and 34 titty movies in the garage. (Matt)

—Exhumation and zombiefication of Henry Ford. He'll tell us what to do. (Brandon)

—I'll tell you what they aren't going to do, give us the flying car, that's what! Where's my damn flying car?! (Sean)

—Research and development toward aesthetically appealing, fuel-efficient, environmentally-friendly vehicles that will succeed in both domestic and international markets, and help ensure America's role as a leader in emerging energy technology. Psych; they'll spend it on golf vacations, lobbying, and whores. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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