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Baron von Funny

Sports

Feb 1, 2013

Since 1987, the player from the winning team in the Super Bowl that is named Most Valuable Player for the game has typically been offered a free trip to Disney World as part of a promotional campaign. But that's not all the Super Bowl MVP receives for his triumph...

Additional Perks of Being Named Super Bowl MVP

—Helps you escape the shadow of your stupid dumb jerk brother Peyton. (Joe)

—MVPee status at all NFL stadium urinal troughs. (Jameson)

—Thanks to an agreement between the NFL and the Players Association, the MVP is the only Super Bowl participant who is NOT forced to dunk his genitals in hot soup after the game. (Brandon)

—A blow job from all the previous MVP winners. It's what killed Bart Starr, yet it's also what keeps Joe Namath alive. (Dan)

—You can wear whatever hat you want, and Judy has to SHUT THE HELL UP. (Tenessa)

—A one year pass to not have to appear on the "Jay Mohr Sports" radio show. (Mike)

—The fact that you were Super Bowl MVP will be mentioned in your obituary no matter how many hitchhikers they find buried in your yard. (Joe)

—Granted access to next year's best experimental performance-enhancing drugs. (Jameson)

—In the next NFL season, you're allowed to rough as many kickers as you like. (Brandon)

—3,000 free AOL minutes. (Dan)

—When the winning team visits the White House, only the Super Bowl MVP gets to use the President's shitter. (Joe)

—I imagine some ladies will have sex with you? Maybe? (Tenessa)

—You get to sign a huge contract with the Raiders before you start really sucking at football (Larry Brown only). (Mike)

—Get to murder people and no one particularly cares. (So far only Ray Lewis has taken advantage of this.) (Joe)

—Your wife will give you a free pass to "ice the kicker" for one night only. (Jameson)

—Get an opportunity to meet and hang out with Bernie, Mack, and Louie, the chimpanzees who starred in MVP: Most Valuable Primate. (Brandon)

—Unlimited Terry Bradshaw back rubs. (97% of recipients stop halfway through the first one.) (Dan)

—Can hit on chicks by asking if they want to see the Most Valuable Penis. (Joe)

—We're not sure how this works, or why it came to be, but you get one night with the corpse of Conrad Bain, no questions asked. (Mike)

—Your mom will throw a pizza party for you and 9 of your best friends! (Tenessa)

—NFL pays for one ad to promote your Etsy site. (Dan)

—50/50 chance that people will finally stop mispronouncing your name as San Antonio Holmes. (Joe)

—Get to meet Roger Goodell in person. (Jameson)

—A certificate from the NFL guaranteeing that you will never have to go to Euro Disney. (Dan)

—They totally put your name in the paper! (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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