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Sports

Aug 27, 2010

The divorce between pro golfer Tiger Woods and his wife Elin was made official this week. Among the agreements reached in court are that the couple will share custody of their two children, and that Elin will revert back to her maiden name of Nordegren. But a closer look at the court documents reveals some unexpected additions...

Surprising Stipulations Found in the Tiger Woods Divorce Settlement

—She gets to keep the house; he gets to keep the texting plan. (Jameson)

—Tiger is now forbidden to use the words "shaft," "hole," "driver," and "balls" to refer to anything other than his golf game. (Joe)

—Under no circumstances is Tiger allowed to use his two sons as wingmen. (Tenessa)

—Both parties are hereafter required to refer to large sandwiches as subs, and not as heroes, grinders, or, god forbid, hoagies. (Brandon)

—Elin gets Tiger's caddie. (Mike)

—The children must also be given ridiculous animal nicknames, like "Cobra" and "Goat." (Joe)

—Tiger is no longer permitted to wear polo shirts, and instead will be forced to wear an orange muumuu adorned with the tastefully bejeweled word "Mimbo" at all future golf competitions. (Tenessa)

—If Tiger should consider re-marrying, Elin reserves the right to four counseling sessions with the bride-to-be, to make sure she has really thought it through. Whether or not these sessions will be a reality show on Bravo is yet to be determined. (Jameson)

—As punishment for his misdeeds, Tiger agrees to spend one night in the bed of an off-the-wagon John Daly. (Brandon)

—Elin is prohibited from writing a tell-all with a "tiger metaphor" in the title, including but not limited to Defanging Tiger, Taming a Tiger, A Tiger's True Stripes, and I Wish That Tiger That Ate Siegfried or Whoever Would Also Kill Tiger Woods. (Mike)

—Tiger gets half of Elin's money back if he's ever found banging a girl who wouldn't match a police sketch artist drawing of Tara Reid. (Joe)

—Tiger must legally change his last name to "Shit in the Woods," while also adding "Does a" to the beginning of his first name. (Brandon)

—Before splitting, the couple will perform the final number from Dirty Dancing in heartfelt tribute to Patrick Swayze. (Tenessa)

—Both parties will agree that The Office really went off the rails last season. (Brandon)

—Elin gets one hundred dollars for every skank Tiger nailed while they were married. Pursuant to Paragraphs of Stipulated Facts numbering from 3(c) to 4,000,444(section f, footnote 4), that totals just north of $400 million. (Mike)

—Elin gets to dig up his dead dad – no questions asked. (Tenessa)

—Money will be set aside for laser surgery to remove the Nike swoosh that was contractually tattooed on Elin's vagina. (Brandon)

—Once Elin remarries, the children will refer to her new husband as their "stepfather," and Tiger as their "biological whoremonger." (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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