POOP READING
Aug 14, 2009

General Motors announced this week that the Chevrolet Volt, a new extended range gas-electric hybrid car which will be ready for purchase in 2010, gets an astounding 230 miles per gallon in the city. But the benefits of owning a Volt won't stop there...

Other Ways the Chevy Volt Will Improve Your Life

—Running ticker on bumper tells tailing Prius drivers to "suck it!" (Mike)

—GPS comes programmed with the addresses of all local sexy dames. (Joe)

—The utter silence of all-electric driving allows you to sneak up on cats, squirrels, and the elderly. (Jameson)

—Ever wished your car had a toaster oven in it? Well, look in the glove compartment my friend, because there's a 10% off coupon for Kohl's that'll help you buy it! (Matt)

—Will take Jon & Kate Gosselin for a ride in the country and abandon them in the woods. (Brandon)

—As part of the new Obama health care plan, it will serve as your primary care physician. (Brad)

—Air bag has two settings: 1) saving you during an accident, and 2) auto-erotic asphyxiation. (Mike)

—Will host next year's Academy Awards, and bring the entire ceremony home in under two hours. (Joe)

—Tweets while you drive, so you can focus on other things, like "sexting" or updating your Facebook status. (Jameson)

—Optional "Smiting of Enemies" feature, with voice recognition capability. (Brandon)

—Can hit four different congressional town hall meetings on one tank of gas. Think of all of the hard-hitting questions about Obama's birth certificate and the government's plan to murder the elderly that you can ask of our nation's lawmakers! (Mike)

—It won't tell anyone about that time you jerked off to a Lebron James dunk compilation on YouTube, unlike your mom. (Matt)

—Gets 650 miles per gallon in the country – like you'd ever go to the country, you latte-sipping yuppie. (Jameson)

—Large, secure trunk guaranteed to be "abductee-proof." (Joe)

—Will teach tough, angry minority youths in your city to love poetry, la Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. (Brandon)

—Backseat good for impregnating your strength coach's wife (Rick Pitino only). (Mike)

—Won't transform into a fancy robot that fights crime, but if you drive it off a cliff it will transform into a piece of modern art. (Jameson)

—Rather than exhaust, its tailpipe emits a constant stream of ego-boosting compliments shouted by beloved talk show host Regis Philbin. (Brandon)

—Steering wheel programmed to give you an electric shock every time you attempt to get fast food drive-thru, you lardass. (Joe)

—Will give a man 230 miles per gallon in the sack, if you catch my meaning (if you don't catch my meaning, I mean it will give men longer sexual stamina). (Mike)

—Driving it that first 40 miles will make you forget all about the fact that your recently foreclosed home was the only place you could plug it in. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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