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Baron von Funny

Sports

May 14, 2010

The NASCAR Hall of Fame opened its doors this week in Charlotte, NC. The museum celebrates the long history of stock car racing in the U.S., including exhibits honoring past and current tracks, enshrined drivers, and a look at what goes into an actual race week. But there are some additional portions of the Hall of Fame that are a bit more off the beaten path...

Lesser-Known Features of the New NASCAR Hall of Fame

—A high-pressure nozzle that can get 14 gallons of ranch dressing into a NASCAR fan in under 1.1 seconds. (Jameson)

—Full-day program where, in a nod to the sport's origins, you can make and bootleg your own moonshine while trying to outrun the cops. (Brandon)

—Richard Petty's In-Car Chamber Pots: A Four-Decade Retrospective (Mike)

—An Arby's with a Taco Bell inside it that has an Arby's in it. (Jameson)

—A two-story Dick Trickle trickling dick fountain in the atrium. (Matt)

—The "What It Smells Like Inside the Fire Suit By Mile 190" Pavilion (Joe)

—Tom Cruise and Robert Duvall performing scenes from Days of Thunder every hour, on the hour. (Tenessa)

—A gallery of the best New Yorker NASCAR covers over the years. (Jameson)

—The "Experience a Driver Concussion" Kidz Rockin' Fun Zone (Brandon)

—Pit Row post-race punch simulator. (Matt)

Tradin' Paint with Jeff Gordon, a film featuring some of Gordon's most exciting career moments. (Due to the title, however, only about 3% of the men who come to the NASCAR Hall of Fame end up seeing it, and most of them feel bitterly disappointed and misled afterwards.) (Joe)

—Windowless basement room with a couple racks of clothing from Sears – you know, something for the ladies. (Tenessa)

—A ring in the middle of the gift shop where patrons who get there early can sit on the roofs of their RVs and watch other people buy key chains and T-shirts. (Jameson)

—The Racetrack Area Wildlife Driven to Extinction Memorial (Brandon)

—A display of past Daytona 500 winners' race day butt plugs. (Matt)

—Self-service defibrillator stands. (Jameson)

—Negroes and Broads: A Tribute to NASCAR Diversity (originally intended to be an exhibit, but now just a pamphlet) (Joe)

—The place is surrounded by a moat full of alligators to keep the Democrats out. (Tenessa)

—A 22-minute documentary film about TruckNutz, including the left nut's battle with testicular cancer, and its replacement with a silicone prosthetic. (Jameson)

—They don't have a display where you can kiss bricks from the Indianapolis Motor Speedway the way the drivers do, but, for a couple bucks, they'll let you dry hump an old race-used tire. (Brandon)

—All patrons 21 and over receive a free Dale Earnhardt memorial "That Was the Only Time I Ever Seen My Daddy Cry" foam rubber beer cozy. (Joe)

—The NASCAR Hall of Flame: an extensive, four-room exhibition devoted to the sport's greatest crashes and explosions, with highlight footage, scale models, and re-enaactments. (Actually, all the other rooms and hallways are just faked perspective paintings on the doorways leading away from the crash exhibits, because the only reason anyone pays attention to NASCAR is for the crashes.) (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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