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Baron von Funny

Sports

Dec 3, 2010

The New York Yankees and their aging superstar shortstop Derek Jeter have been at odds over a new free agent contract, with the two sides reportedly tens of millions of dollars apart. But rumor has it that money is not the only issue involved...

Additional Contract Demands Being Made by Derek Jeter

—Wants his own private clubhouse and locker inside the "Ground Zero Mosque." (Joe)

—Post-game clubhouse spread must always include peaches stuffed with kielbasa, as that reminds him of "doing it." (Brandon)

—If he promises a sick kid that he'll hit a home run in his next game and fails to come through, the Yankees will have that kid summarily executed. (Mike)

—The grounds crew must also maintain the cut of his pubes. (Matt)

—The rest of the team has to sing that "Heigh Ho" song from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs every time they take the field. (Tenessa)

—Prefers not to be asked to return as host of Saturday Night Live until it gets good again. (Joe)

—For the good of everyone, C.C. Sabathia should really have a private bathroom stall annexed to a different part of the building. (Brandon)

—One night, no questions asked, with the corpse of Leslie Nielsen. (Mike)

—In accordance with his strict rules about never using a condom when having sex, there shall no longer be a pitching rubber on any mound in Yankee Stadium. (Matt)

—Something has to be done about Justin Bieber. Jeter doesn't really care what, and he doesn't want to know about it. But something most certainly has to be done. (Joe)

—Wants to be assisted by a secondary shortstop who will cover ground balls that he feels are "extra bouncy" or "too far away." (Mike)

—I don't know if the feeling is mutual, but my husband keeps demanding that I sign a contract allowing him to have sex with Jeter. (Tenessa)

—If they ever put a statue of him outside Yankee Stadium, sculptor is required to be really generous between the legs, if you know what I mean. (Joe)

—Yankees must hand over any remaining backstock of Reggie Bars. Them things was TASTY! (Brandon)

—Wants Leno to replace Conan on TBS. (Mike)

—A guarantee that A.J. Burnett will stop using Jeter's glove as a semen receptacle. (Matt)

—Wants to be digitally inserted into all Friday Night Lights love scenes featuring fiancée Minka Kelly. (Joe)

—Yankee Stadium loudspeaker must broadcast a sexy female voice saying "Ooo, Derek!" every time he touches second base. (Brandon)

—Would like confirmation about whether the rumors he's heard about getting a "Kruk Job" are true. (Mike)

—The legal right to punch one random Red Sox fan right in the face, even if it's an infant. (Matt)

—Mariano Rivera shall cease and desist delivering "Yokozunas." (Joe)

—Wishes to be buried as the meat in a Steinbrenner/Ruth "man sandwich". (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Mike Wagner

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