POOP READING
Apr 3, 2009

At 90 years old, Andy Rooney is still making regular appearances on 60 Minutes, but his installments have grown increasingly stale, bizarre, or downright inappropriate. As a result, the producers of the show have been forced to cut a few of his more unwatchable entries...

Andy Rooney Commentaries That Were Rejected By 60 Minutes

—I Don't Know Why I Keep Finding Things In My Ear (Joe)

—Here's a Picture I Took of My Stool That Looks Just Like the Kaiser (Sean)

—Has Anyone Else Ever Been Disappointed to Found Out That Turtle Cheesecake Contains Little, If Any, Turtle? (Matt)

—Have You Ever Looked Really Closely at a Black Man's Penis? (Brandon)

—I've Been Thinking About the Four Women I Killed in 1965 (Jameson)

—Boy, That Diane Sawyer Sure Is a Hot Piece of Ass (Brad)

—Not Shaking Babies Is What's Causing Today's Sassy Teenagers (Matt)

—Here Are Some Interesting Things My Neighbors Do When They Don't Know I'm Watching (Sean)

—Lately My Wife's Vagina Has a Really Weird Smell (Jameson)

—After All These Years, I'm Still Not Used to "Talkies" (Joe)

—I Sure Would Like to Punch One of Those Koala Bears in the Face (Matt)

—I Always Thought Salvador Dalí Had a Shitty Attitude (Jameson)

—Dan Rather Is a Sandwich-Stealing Bastard (Matt)

—There Are Five Things I'd Like to Do to the New Editing Room Intern (Jameson)

—It Was My Understanding That There Would Be More Pleasure Robots By Now (Brandon)

—Six Times a Month, I Shit in Steve Kroft's Office (Jameson)

—Why Do They Still Let All These Hispanics Play Baseball? (Joe)

—Am I the Only One Who Spends Hours Thinking About Making Love To Connie Chung? (Matt)

—Sixty Years Ago, Being Mistaken For Mickey Rooney Used to Help Me Get Laid (Sean)

—I Hear Some College Campuses Have Computers Now (Jameson)

—Here's a List of Things You Used to Be Able to Put in a British Hooker For a Sixpence (Matt)

—I Think My Neighbor's Dog Is Telling Me to Kill Obama (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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