May 25, 2012

Scott Pelley has been the anchor of the CBS Evening News since June 6, 2011, and has been using the same sign-off for all of his broadcasts: "And that is the CBS Evening News for tonight. For all of us at CBS News all around the world, good night." With his one-year anniversary approaching, perhaps it's time for Pelley to shake things up a bit...

New Ways That Scott Pelley Could Sign Off the CBS Evening News

—"What up, news? Looks like I just made you my bitch again!" (Matt)

—Name one intern each night that he will be trying to bang after the broadcast. (Jameson)

—"I'm Scott Pelley and I'm on TV, Aunt Carolyn, so suck it." (Joe)

—"Whoooo lawdy, that sho was INTerestin'! Night, y'all! (Brandon)

—"And that's one more for the spank bank." (Tenessa)

—Say "And that's the way it is... for liberals" followed by evil laughter as they go to commercial. (Mike)

—Punching, roundhouse kicking, and leg sweeping cardboard cutouts of the other nightly news personalities. (Matt)

—"If anyone's interested, I'm just gonna be hanging out here in the studio, busting up a shitload of Domino's cheesy bread." (Brandon)

—"Thanks for watching the CBS Evening News. I'm Scott Pizzle, and y'all my nizzles." (Joe)

—By singing "Goodnight, Sweetheart" with Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg, and Tom Selleck. (Tenessa)

—"Who's laughing at 'Smelly Pelley' now?!" (Matt)

—Say "Good night, and remember: the CBS Eye is always watching" in an ominous voice and then stare into the camera, silent and unblinking, for a full minute. (Brandon)

—"Let's see you top that, Williams!" (Jameson)

—Jerking off a "news monkey". (Matt)

—Give the camera a panicky look, scoop up anything valuable in his immediate area, and take off running. (Brandon)

—"Take that, high school guidance counselor!" (Mike)

—Wave as he takes the fake stairs behind his desk down to the "News Cave". (Matt)

—Give the viewers a little taste of the ol' Pelley Belly. (Brandon)

—"I'm Scott Pelley, and keep fucking that chicken." (Joe)

—"Aaaaannnnnddddd...SCENE." (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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