POOP READING
Oct 2, 2009

At a recent summit on "distracted driving," U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood described the phenomenon as an epidemic in America, leading to a record number of crashes, injuries, and fatalities last year. And while phone calls and texting are two of the biggest distractions, the problem doesn't stop there...

Other Reasons Americans Are So Distracted While Driving

—Can't stop picturing U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood naked. (Brandon)

—Keep worrying about Jon Gosselin's future. (Mike)

—Probably the picture-in-picture feature on the new portable TV. (Matt)

—The typical commuter is driving two or three cars at the same time. (Jameson)

—Those goddamn kids. (Joe)

—Busy reading The Lost Symbol, then busy being disappointed in it. (Sean)

—In a constant stupor since Jay Leno invaded primetime. (Brad)

—Hard to text with one hand and drink with the other while making an illegal U-turn. (Mike)

—On the lookout for vampires. (Jameson)

—They're eating with their feet. (Matt)

—Blogging. (Sean)

—Some guy up there has had his blinker on for literally ten fucking minutes! (Jameson)

—Are attempting in vain to decipher needlessly inscrutable vanity license plates. (Joe)

—Keeping an eye peeled for them "death panels" they keep hearing so much about on the radio. (Mike)

—Reading reports about the perils of distracted driving while driving. (Jameson)

—Fishing while driving. (Matt)

—Thought they saw Elvis at that Arby's drive-thru window. (Mike)

—On fire, or preparing to set themselves on fire. (Jameson)

—Reading transcripts from old episodes of 20/20. (Matt)

—Pretty sure that dude in the Lexus just gave them the "skunk eye." (Brandon)

—Thinking about Paul Rudd. (Jameson)

—Trying to pee in a Mountain Dew bottle at 75mph is tougher than you think. (Mike)

—"Birther" outrage. (Jameson)

—I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm always checking to see if that "Show Me Your Cans" sign in my back window is having any effect. (Sean)

—Ten pound sack of jumbo crab legs to go, four hour drive roundtrip to Red Lobster. (Matt)

—Watching The Princess Bride on the built-in DVD player of the Escalade one lane over. (Jameson)

—Still having a hard time believing it's not butter. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Sean Hecht, Brad Kruse, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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