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Remember when the Oscars happened? Like, months ago? Well, this happened too! And finally, we got our stuff together and got it published. Featuring extra-special contributions from Holly Moyer and Betsy Rosenblatt! Enjoy!

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It's BAAAA-aaaack. Wait, that's a typo: it's back. Featuring special guest movie drafter Alicia Kirk.

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Why just settle for rooting for Oscar-nominated actors when you can use them as pawns in your own diabolical chess game?

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This is not a romantic comedy. It is a pornographic detour from the promise of human evolution.

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Is it possible to mine an iota of excitement from this year's Oscars? Is Rooney Mara the name of a female person? Can a chat room transcript still make for captivating reading even if nobody in it is impersonating a 15-year-old girl? We aim to answer all these questions with a hearty "Indeed, sir!"

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It's just like our Movie Draft, but with twice the rules and half the fun. Oh dear lord, what have we done?

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In which all of our lists, combined, tell you all you really need to know about what you should be watching.

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I really need to stop spending so much time with my family to make room for better TV.

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Just once it'd be nice to see a movie with a title like a hipster absinthe beverage, a plotline involving murder and forcible rape, and a naked Annette Bening on a piano, and have it turn out good.

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What were you going to do with the Oscars on Sunday – just watch them? We remixed the sumbitches! Welcome to the future!

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If you don't watch these shows, you're bad and wrong.

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If you've been waiting for somebody to compare Modern Family to The Sopranos, you're in luck!

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Moviegoers who see Once Upon a Time are not likely to live happily ever after.

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We did this last year and you shit your pants from its awesomeness. All we can say is, we hope you bought at least two new pairs of pants this year.