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Why just settle for rooting for Oscar-nominated actors when you can use them as pawns in your own diabolical chess game?

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The original Man of Steel, Christopher Reeve, is both quadriplegic and dead. You'd still have more fun spending two hours with him than watching this movie.

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Is it possible to mine an iota of excitement from this year's Oscars? Is Rooney Mara the name of a female person? Can a chat room transcript still make for captivating reading even if nobody in it is impersonating a 15-year-old girl? We aim to answer all these questions with a hearty "Indeed, sir!"

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It's just like our Movie Draft, but with twice the rules and half the fun. Oh dear lord, what have we done?

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In which all of our lists, combined, tell you all you really need to know about what you should be watching.

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Thank God for Bob's Burgers, or this would be just another list of things that me and my friends have said about the same set of shows for years.

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Christian Bale has made a new movie about being kicked in the balls: an experience vastly preferable to watching his movie.

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What were you going to do with the Oscars on Sunday – just watch them? We remixed the sumbitches! Welcome to the future!

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If you don't watch these shows, you're bad and wrong.

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If you can stand it, another pasty white nerd will celebrate 30 Rock, Louie, and Modern Family. (Also, I proudly present the only list in which cable shows outweigh the networks!)

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If you thought you'd seen everything Woody Harrelson would do with a dead person, you were wrong.

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Pretty much the same list of predictions you can get anywhere else online, with a lot more crazed ranting about the meaninglessness of it all.

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We did this last year and you shit your pants from its awesomeness. All we can say is, we hope you bought at least two new pairs of pants this year.

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Brandon wants to shoot DVDs into space. Mike wants to shave Morgan Spurlock. Joe threatens to punch Jameson in the face. Jameson threatens to burn down the Internet. But in the end, the love is just too strong...

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Deconstructing the Nicolas Cage apocalypse movie Knowing. Now that we have an inkling why he made it, why the hell was it ever America's #1 movie?

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You've read the top ten lists that make no mention of Psych – now read the one that mentions it constantly!

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Can you guess which shows the TV networks just announced for the fall season? The answers may be more ridiculous than you think.

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Joe and I don't always agree – as Isaac (Robert Guillaume) said on Sports Night, if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you. Last Friday was like Isaac Day here at Poop Reading.

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If you read Joe's Oscar picks and thought to yourself, "These are entertaining and insightful, but I prefer fewer laughs and more spittle-spewing rants," then you are in luck, my friends!

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The fourth of four reviews of the films from the 2009 Movie Draft gives a taste of rural politics, steamy sexual intrigue, and family secrets with Josh Brolin, Sean Penn, and who else but Angelina Jolie?

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Fire. Sliced bread. The automobile. Flight. Landing on the moon. These were some of mankind's greatest achievements. Until now.

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While everyone debates which movie deserves to win at this year's Oscars, we take a look at who should have won in 2003. Be warned: the Academy's choices don't look any better in the long view.

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In which we examine some films that are shoo-ins for Academy Award nominations, and why they shouldn't (necessarily) be.

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These people are smart, funny, and hardworking. What do they have to do to get the recognition they deserve? Be smarter, funnier, and hardworkinger?

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A gesture of friendship takes an unexpected turn.

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Joe said it more succinctly: The Daily Show is very likely to survive Obama's presidency. But in case you're curious why it will, read on.

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Splitting lists is for cowards trying to pad out their archives. My archives speak for themselves!