POOP READING
May 22, 2020

Baron von Funny Memorial Memorial Day Baron von Funny

It has been approximately two months since Americans began staying at home to help flatten the curve and slow the spread of the Covid-19 virus. For most of us, this has dramatically altered our daily existence, in ways good, bad, and unexpected...

Pros and Cons of Life Under Quarantine

—Having direct proof of what you've always suspected–homeschoolers are out of their goddamn minds. (Joe W.)

—Since only two months of movies were released in theaters in 2020, you can cash in huge at the next Oscar party by putting all your money on Jim Carrey for Best Actor in Sonic the Hedgehog. (Joe M.)

—Ample time to second-guess the poorly-timed March opening of my new restaurant where the waiters serve your food "baby bird-style". (Brandon)

—Out of TP since March 23rd, out of socks since March 27th, plumber has had my number blocked since March 28th. (Sean)

—Getting so deep into the pantry and fridge, you’re discovering cereals and yogurts from a bygone era. [SQUINTS] Frisky Crispies? (Jameson)

—Can’t tell if Sheila from work is having a stroke, or if it’s just that her Zoom froze. (Mike)

—Nude lunch. Deal with it, kids! (Matt)

—Ordering takeout is now an act of local business solidarity instead of an irresponsible expense. (Tenessa)

—The wave of disgust that comes from seeing acquaintances enjoy fun activities on Instagram is now due to the fact that those activities are, if not illegal, certainly morally reprehensible, and not due to the fact that you are a joyless husk. (Joe M.)

—I've taken the opportunity to get some home improvement projects done... primarily evening out the indentations in my couch cushions. (Sean)

—Who's laughing at my Lysol and TP bunker now, Jennifer?! (Joe W.)

—Not only is the cat talking to me, he won't shut up about former Kansas governor and 1936 GOP Presidential candidate Alf Landon. (Brandon)

—At last, an opportunity to hear how the virus situation is being handled by the head of a company you bought food dye from in 2004! (Jameson)

—Watching everybody with their sourdough starters makes you feel superior about not giving a shit about sourdough starters. (Tenessa)

—It's illegal to see the in-laws. Sorry, honey, I'm just obeying the law! (Mike)

—My daily threesomes with pillow Peter Frampton and the ghost of Phil Donahue are increasingly ending with arguments about the amount of time I'm spending on the Xbox. (Matt)

—Two months ago you had never even heard the word “hydroxychloroquine;” now you’re essentially unbeatable at Scrabble. (Joe M.)

—Plenty of time to prep my beehives for the murder hornets. (Sean)

—If you set up two or three TVs for simultaneous viewing, you can finally watch new Netflix content as fast as they’re releasing it. (Jameson)

—The people at Walgreens touch you 15% less often. (Tenessa)

—A chance to spend more time with the people I love mos– WHY IS THERE UNDERWEAR IN THE GODDAMN FRIDGE?!? (Brandon)

—Killing the inhuman monsters on “Walking Dead” always looked super cool and virtuous, but I hit one non-mask-wearing yoga mom with my car... (Joe M.)

—You can use baby pictures of your least favorite kid for toilet paper. (Mike)

—Turns out I've been social distancing since 2015. (Sean)

—The president sucks, but the governors are a semi-hopeful mixed bag, so... yay? (Tenessa)

—You can draw all the pictures of Mohammad you want now that nobody is allowed to leave their house to murder you for it. (Joe M.)

—Having to follow through on the promise to the kids that "I'll get an orca for the backyard pool when we're home every day to take care of it!" (Matt)

—Expecting your depression, ennui, and stress-eating to battle it out, but instead they join forces and implode your self-worth. (Jameson)

—Finally finding The Shining's Jack Torrance relatable. Very. Relatable. (Joe W.)

—2019: Never leaving the house except for biweekly trips to the grocery store, eschewing haircuts, refusing to socialize? Signs of persistent depression. 2020: Never leaving the house except for biweekly trips to the grocery store, eschewing haircuts, refusing to socialize? Being a good American! (Joe M.)

—Too much time spent hardening our hearts and swallowing our tears. Oh wait, sorry, that's life under Quarterflash. (Brandon)

—All this and everything that followed. (Sean)

—It. Is. Never. Going. To. End. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Sean Hecht, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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