POOP READING
May 11, 2018

People continue to get sick from an outbreak of E. coli in romaine lettuce, as the total number of people affected has risen to 149 in 29 states. But that's not the only reason to dislike lettuce...

Other Things to Hate About Lettuce

—It's not cheese. (Tenessa)

—Didn't exactly go out of its way to prevent the cancellation of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. (Jameson)

—It's an enabler, looking the other way while you pour on all of that delicious, unhealthy salad dressing. (Matt)

—It really is the least fuckable vegetable. (Brandon)

—Lettuce co-wrote most of Matchbox Twenty's hits. (Joe M.)

—Palling around with bacon is fine, but sliced tomato? No thank you. (Joe W.)

—If lettuce had voted, Hillary would've won Wisconsin. (Mike)

—Never looks as good in person as it does in Burger King ads. (Jameson)

—You can't fit a head of lettuce into your pants to sneak into the movie theater like you can a chili dog or jambalaya. (Matt)

—Makes an inferior substitute for toilet paper. (Brandon)

—Despite the clear risks, there's still no background check required to buy it. (Jameson)

—Given the absence of any evidence to the contrary, it’s impossible to prove that lettuce didn’t kill my sister. (Joe M.)

—This E. coli outbreak is going to bring kale back with a fucking vengeance. (Mike)

—Is the same color as money, but my psychiatrist won't accept it in exchange for the pills I need. (Jameson)

—While everyone knows that lettuce is like 95% water, what they don't know is that the other 5% is ground-up mouse dicks. (Matt)

—Lettuce gave us salad, which gave us salad dressing, which consumed Paul Newman so much that he never made Fat Man and Little Boy 2: Little Man, Fat Boy. (Brandon)

—Knows how to photosynthesize, but won't tell. (Jameson)

—Rumor has it that lettuce is the only thing preventing San Antonio Spurs assistant Becky Hammon from becoming the first female NBA head coach. (Joe M.)

—It thinks it's better than us. (Tenessa)

—I always get Lettuce in the BuzzFeed "Which vegetable are you?" quiz, but I'm trying to get Asparagus because that's Beyoncé's favorite! (Jameson)

—Lettuce shot JFK from the grassy knoll. (Matt)

—Grows in the dirt, tastes like nothing, and only stays crispy and unwilted for about 15 minutes—what's not to hate? (Jameson)

—The most you can make by calling it "le-tooce" is 10 bucks. (Mike)

—The Simpsons were right: you don't win friends with salad. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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