POOP READING
Apr 27, 2018

This weekend marks the opening of the latest Marvel superhero movie, Avengers: Infinity War. It features the Avengers joining forces with the Guardians of the Galaxy and others, meaning the movie will contain 20 or more superheroes. And with an estimated budget between $300–400 million, it's one of the most expensive films ever made, and the most costly in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (as well as the longest, at 149 minutes). And there are many surprises waiting to be discovered by moviegoers...

Surprises Found in Avengers: Infinity War

—Iron Man actually mostly made of zinc and molybdenum. (Joe W.)

—A 17-minute sex scene between the Hulk and a Volvo. (Brandon)

—It’s two hours of Dave Letterman saying, Loki?...Groot. Groot?...Loki. (Mike)

—The war is literally infinite, meaning anyone who goes to the movie will be watching it until they die. (Jameson)

—Star-Lord's Zune? Nothing but Brahms. (Joe W.)

—Sebastian Stan is back; not to play former Captain American sidekick Bucky Barnes, but rather to reprise his recent role as Jeff Gillooly in I, Tonya. (Brandon)

—Rocket Raccoon will not stop talking about the Eagles' Super Bowl victory. (Jameson)

—The Infinity War is started by arguments over which set of The Dukes of Hazzard characters were superior: Coy and Vance, or Bo and Luke. (Mike)

—Stan Lee's cameo as "handsy old weirdo" is just Starbucks security cam footage. (Joe W.)

—Constant product placements for Lean Cuisine. (Brandon)

—They had to squeeze in so many characters, they slipped up and put in two different Captain Americas. (Jameson)

—New identical superheroes Minnie and Paul defeat a New York-based set of supervillans, which finally allows the Twins to beat the Yankees. (Mike)

—For the middle 90 minutes, they just inserted the entirety of My Dinner With Andre. (Joe W.)

—Due to massive popular demand, they created a digital Garry Shandling to keep his character in the movie. (Jameson)

—Whenever anyone talks to Pepper Potts, they do so in Billy Crystal's "pecan pie" voice from When Harry Met Sally. (Mike)

—Nicolas Cage as Bill Clinton, for some reason. (Jameson)

—Thor's odd new catchphrase, "Won't you lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?" is just blatantly stolen from the chorus of the Fleetwood Mac song "Second Hand News". (Brandon)

—Despite the spectacular interplanetary scope of the movie, the final battle takes place in the storeroom in back of a Red Lobster. (Jameson)

—Captain America’s pee pee tape. (Mike)

—The third act is mostly Daniel Stern narrating the action as an older Tony Stark looking back on the best part of his life. (Jameson)

—Darth Vader is Iron Man’s father. (Mike)

—Newest member of the team? SuperMueller. (Brandon)

—Turns out all this shit is just made up. (Joe W.)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

© poopreading.com, all rights reserved – advertising info