Apr 20, 2018

This week, it was revealed that the mystery third client of Trump lawyer Michael Cohen–whose office was raided by the FBI–was none other than Fox News personality Sean Hannity. Hannity claims that his contact with Cohen was merely for some "real estate advice", and while this surprise had to be forced out of him, there are some other transgressions Hannity is now ready to admit to...

Other Secrets Sean Hannity is Ready to Confess

—Yells, "Thank you, President Trump!" when climaxing. (Mike)

—Buys Secret brand deodorant; not to wear, but to eat. (Brandon)

—He's actually Al Franken in an elaborate, Tony Clifton-style performance character. (Jameson)

—He totally killed Alan Colmes. (Joe W.)

—His conversations with Michael Cohen consisted exclusively of inquiries regarding the legality of importing, cooking, and serving penguin meat. (Joe M.)

—He greases himself up with baby oil before every broadcast. (Matt)

—Once, after a few drinks, he and his wife tried something other than the missionary position. (Mike)

—He giggles whenever he eats papaya. (Jameson)

—Has always been embarrassed that name isn't spelled "Shawn" like a real American. (Joe W.)

—Sometimes when he says he'll "try to make it" to your party this weekend, he has no intention of trying to make it to your party this weekend. (Joe M.)

—Once spanked it to a picture of Francis Scott Key. (Brandon)

—He spent 2001 as a roadie for the Grateful Dead. (Mike)

—Never misses opening night for a new Nicolas Cage movie. (Jameson)

—Has a sneaking suspicion deep down that he can't shake that Donald Trump might not tell the truth 100% of the time. (Joe W.)

—He often retrieves ugly people's coins from fountains so that their wishes won't come true. (Joe M.)

—The only website he visits every day is eroticmatlockfanfiction.com. (Matt)

—Up until a few months ago, he really did think FBI stood for Female Body Inspector. (Mike)

—Once filled his car's fuel tank with sour cream, and ended up getting pretty decent mileage. (Jameson)

—It's actually pronounced "Faux" News. (Joe W.)

—His Twitter profile photo was not taken in 2018. (Joe M.)

—Pees with the seat up... standing on top of the seat. (Mike)

—Has never once, even accidentally, said something truthful into a broadcast microphone. (Jameson)

—That even though he's often called a "shitbag", he would be the first to admit that an actual bag for picking up and/or holding shit makes a greater contribution to society than he does. (Brandon)

—Voted for Hillary. (Joe W.)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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