POOP READING
Apr 6, 2018

This weekend, Augusta National Golf Club will host the final rounds of The Masters, arguably the world’s most famous golf tournament. The event is televised each year by CBS, with the slogan “A tradition like no other.” The Masters is indeed rich with tradition, from its green jacket ceremony to its honorary opening tee shot. Some traditions, however, don’t make the headlines...

Lesser-Known Traditions at The Masters

—Tiger Woods has sex with a Hardee's biscuit maker under the big oak on hole number 8. (Matt)

—While the lowest amateur wins a silver cup, the "highest" amateur wins a crystal bong. (Mike)

—Once you tee off for Round 1 on Thursday, the only thing you're allowed to eat for the duration of the tournament is leftover Easter candy. (Joe M.)

—The runner-up gets to make up a new ridiculous nickname for a five-iron. (Joe W.)

—Yelling "Inherited wealth is the best kind of wealth!" after your tee shot on the third hole. (Brandon)

—Participants who are also Juggalos get priority parking. (Jameson)

—Champion's Dinner attendees wear their green jacket and nothing else.
*From 1971-1993 golf spikes were optional at the dinner. The option ended after Lee Trevino accidentally tore the low-hanging nuts off of an aging Sam Snead. (Mike)

—No girls allowed. (Joe M.)

—One fan per day who disrupts play can be ritually sacrified. (Matt)

—Winner gets the green jacket, everyone else gets a muumuu with "I Was a Disaster at the Masters" printed on the back. (Brandon)

—Golfers not shaving their beards all week if they're having a hot streak (or, if they're slumping, shaving after every drive). (Jameson)

—What happens in Butler Cabin stays in Butler Cabin. (Mike)

—In addition to the racism, sexism, and classism, they also hate the Belgians for some reason. (Joe W.)

—On hole No. 12, any competitor who misses a putt that's less than a foot long must immediately perform the "truffle shuffle" from The Goonies. (Joe M.)

—As a sign of reverence for the legends of golf, every player must "kiss the ring" of Jack Nicklaus. Unbeknownst to first timers, it is his cock ring. (Matt)

—If a former champion dies within 48 hours of the start of the first round, he must be "Weekend at Bernie'd" through the entire tournament by an amateur player. (Brandon)

—The first golfer to miss the cut has his right pinky finger ceremonially cut off by Augusta National Chairman William Porter Payne. (Mike)

—Marshals holding up those "Quiet, Please" signs at the refreshment tent whenever Charley Hoffman goes to town on a big plate of potato salad. (Jameson)

—Switching your wallet to your front pocket and keeping your hand on it whenever you see "a black." (Joe M.)

—Hiring a drifter as your caddy so you can discreetly beat him to death with a nine iron and dump him in the water hazard on the 15th hole if you get frustrated with the quality of your play. (Brandon)

—Underwear swapping. (Matt)

—For every triple bogey a player records, he is given a (filled) chamber pot from the collection of golfing legend and Augusta National designer Bobby Jones. (Mike)

—Being "master of your own domain" for the entirety of the tournament. (Did not apply to former player Craig "The Walrus" Stadler, who was allowed to "jack it until he couldn't hack it".) (Brandon)

—If it rains, everyone heads over to Fuzzy Zoeller's house for Twister and Hot Pockets. (Jameson)

—When crossing Hogan's Bridge on Sunday, players within two shots of the lead have to take a dump into Rae's Creek. (Mike)

—Any hole-in-one must be followed by saying "Holy macaroni!" (Matt)

—Jim Nantz? Sans pants. (Joe M.)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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